J. Mark Thompson - The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage is about the dynamics of intimate interpersonal relationships (dating and marriage)how and why human pairings occur, what helps them function optimally and how therapists can intervene when they don't. J. Mark Thompson and Richard Tuch employ a multidimensional perspective that provides a variety of lenses through which intimate relationships can be viewed. The authors also offer a new model of couples therapy based on the mentalization model of treatment developed by Peter Fonagy and his colleagues.

This book is aimed at those interested in the nature of intimate relationships as well as those wishing to expand their clinical skills, whether they are conducting one-on-one therapy with individuals struggling to establish and maintain intimate relations or are conducting conjoint treatment with troubled couples who have sought the therapist's assistance. Thompson and Tuch view relationships from a wide array of different perspectives: mentalization, attachment theory, evolutionary psychology, psychoanalysis, pattern recognition (neuroscience) and role theory. A mentalization-based approach to couples therapy is clearly explained in a how to fashion, with concrete suggestions about how the therapist goes about clinically intervening given their expanded understanding of the dynamics of intimate relations outlined in the book.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage will appeal to psychoanalysts, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage therapists and all those interested in learning more about the dynamics of one-on-one intimate relationships (dating and marriage) from a truly multidimensional perspective and how to conduct mentalizationbased couples therapy.

J. Mark Thompson is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Training and Supervising Analyst at The New Center for Psychoanalysis. He teaches at the Department of Psychiatry, UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He also teaches at the Department of Psychiatry at USC and the Department of Psychiatry at UC Irvine.

Richard Tuch is Dean of The New Center for Psychoanalysis and Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He is a Training and Supervising Analyst at The New Center for Psychoanalysis and at The Psychoanalytic Center of California.

THE STORIES WE
TELL OURSELVES

Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage

J. Mark Thompson
and Richard Tuch

With a contribution
from Lawrence Josephs

First published 2014
by Routledge
27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA

and by Routledge
711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business

2014 J. Mark Thompson, Richard Tuch

The right of J. Mark Thompson and Richard Tuch to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.

Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Thompson, J. Mark.
The stories we tell ourselves: mentalizing tales of dating and marriage/
J. Mark Thompson and Richard Tuch; with a contribution from
Lawrence Josephs.
pages cm
ISBN 978-0-415-63559-2 (hbk) ISBN 978-0-415-63560-8 (pbk)
1. CouplesPsychology. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Man-woman
relationships. 4. Storytelling. 5. Dating (Social customs)
6. Marriage. I. Tuch, Richard. II. Title.
HQ801.T476 2014
302dc23

ISBN: 978-0-415-63559-2 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-0-415-63560-8 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-203-76186-1 (ebk)

Typeset in Garamond
by Keystroke, Station Road, Codsall, Wolverhampton

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO OUR WIVES
JOANNE & SUNNYE
AND OUR SONS
ASHLEY, ELI, ALEXANDER AND ZACHARY

Marriage's Promise?

All marriages are challenging

But only some prove troubling

What troubles a couple varies

Some say they got a raw deal

That marriage itself, or their particular mate

Didn't pan out as planned

Plain and simple

Some complain they'd been jipped

That marriage promised much and delivered way too little

It was to have made a world of difference

Which it did, but not in the way one hoped

Rather than bringing the best out in one another

It somehow did the opposite

Much to the chagrin of each

Without either quite knowing who or what to blame

For love's demise

Marriage is meant to bring a couple closer

To make each feel both loving and loved

It offers a chance to know and be known

To feel touched by another and to feel our affect on that other

Such that each makes a difference in the other's life

Ideally for the positive

If not always

Marriage is meant to create a reassuring bond

That feels safe

Saving us from feeling isolated and alone

Lost in our singularity

Without the added definition

That comes from such warm and enveloping words as

We, us, our

Marriage delivers much, but it also demands much

That much it can promise

R. Tuch (2013)

SECTION I
Basic Science: Mentalization, Theory of Mind, Theories of Love, Attachment

SECTION II
Practical Approaches: Mentalization-Based Couples Therapy

SECTION III
Elaborations

J. Mark Thompson, M.D. is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA, a Training and Supervising Analyst at the New Center for Psychoanalysis and is in the private practice of psychiatry. He has taught and lectured widely regarding borderline personality disorder, attachment and the couple. He is the former Director of Education at the Los Angeles Psychoanalytic Institute and former Co-Dean of the New Center for Psychoanalysis. He has received the Edith Sabshin Teaching Award of the American Psychoanalytic Association for outstanding teaching and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is co-author, along with Candace Cotlove, of The Therapeutic Process: A Clinical Introduction to Psychodynamic Psychotherapy.

Richard Tuch, M.D. is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and a Training and Supervising Analyst at the New Center for Psychoanalysis, Los Angeles where he presently serves as the Dean of Training. He is also a Training and Supervising Analyst at the Psychoanalytic Center of California. Dr. Tuch has published articles in all three of the leading psychoanalytic journals and is a frequent presenter at meetings of the American Psychoanalytic Association. He is the author of