Richard Carlson - The Dont Sweat Guide for Couples: Ways to Be More Intimate, Loving and Stress-Free in Your Relationship

Copyright 2001, Carlson, LLC.

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information address Hyperion, 1500 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.

Original print edition ISBN 978-0-7868-8720-0

eBook Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-0587-1

First eBook Edition

Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America.

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The Big Book of Small Stuff

What About the Big Stuff?

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff for Men

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff in Love

(with Kristine Carlson)

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff at Work

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff About Money

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff and Its All Small Stuff

Slowing Down to the Speed of Life

(with Joseph Bailey)

Handbook for the Heart

(with Benjamin Shield)

Handbook for the Soul

(with Benjamin Shield)

Shortcut Through Therapy

You Can Feel Good Again

You Can Be Happy No Matter What

Being part of a couple, in a committed relationship, is one of lifes greatest treasures. That is, if its a good one! All kidding aside, being a couple is a true gift. It provides the opportunity for love, companionship, friendship, family, and security. But, no matter how great your relationship may be, there is probably going to be at least some stress associated with it. The very fact that two people are together lends itself to some inherent issuesthe need to compromise, forgive, accept differences, and sacrifice. Sometimes you disagree or have different wants, needs, and desires. You may have different goals and priorities, and must deal with each others issues and moods.

The editors of Dont Sweat Press have done a beautiful job in creating a guide to overcome much of the stress usually associated with being a couple. The Dont Sweat Guide for Couples is a simple, practical collection of strategies designed to give you and your partner tools to work together better, let go of things easier, and focus your attention on the love you have for each other. Often in our relationships, we use our minds in self-defeating or negative ways that encourage our love to drift away. Becoming aware of this tendencyand the power of our own thinkingis a magical tool for enhancing the love we have for our partners. It helps us eliminate any negative habits that may have crept into our relationships.

I encourage you to read this book alone, or side by side with your partner. Either way, Im guessing youre going to learn some very helpful tools.

My relationship with my wife, Kris, is such an important part of my life. The two of us are committed to doing all we can to enhance the quality of our own relationship. Many of the ideas in this book resonated in our hearts, as I hope they will in yours.

Thank you for being committed to the quality of your relationship. I hope this book is of tremendous service to you and to your partner.

Treasure the Gift of Love,

Richard Carlson

Pleasant Hill, CA, June 2001

There is a period close to the beginning of most long-term relationships when were so swept up in the excitement of the chemistry of being in love that we dont mind the things in our partners that will later become ingredients for stress. Most of us eventually get over this rosy view. But in the process of descending from the heights of infatuation, we can sometimes move too far in the opposite direction. We are no longer blinded by love, and have to grapple with the reality of another flesh-and-blood person. Its a natural, necessary, and healthy part of love, but it feels like a loss, and it causes pain.

Theres no easy cure for the stresses of life as a couple. But your view of the person with whom you share those stresses can go a long way toward affecting how important you allow the stresses to become. When you remember the hows, whys, and wherefores of falling in love with your partner, you maintain a sympathetic, appreciative perspective of that person.

The process of remembering the one that you fell for starts within you. Think back to your first glimpse of your partner. Remember the details of your partners personality, appearance, preferences, and habits. Think about how those aspects affected you when they were all new to you, and remember what you found attractive.

Remembering the one that you fell for can also be a two-way street. Take walks with your partner down Memory Lane. In the early days of romance, you shared some powerful emotions and exciting times. Recalling them together can bring them back into focus and even spark new life in the here and now. Celebrate special occasions by returning to old haunts that have significance for you as a couple. Pull out old photographs, laugh about happy times, and plan activities that you used to enjoy doing together. Dont seek to recreate the past, but let it feed a richer experience in the present.

In short, make your shared history a powerful tool for a happier, more satisfying life with your partner. In the process, youll free up room for a love that continues to grow and deepen.

It takes time for people to grow apart. It is the culmination of hundreds of separate choices made without reference to the health of the relationship. The partners go their own ways in activities that are most engaging, and save the mundane things for togetherness. The relationship can become associated with boredom and tedium.

In the same way, it takes time for people to build a strong foundation of mutual growth and vitality. This is meaningful time that a couple chooses to spend together in pursuits that are stimulating and challenging. Growing together instead of apart requires that you share lifes learning curves with your partner, day after day, in a variety of ways.

Perhaps your partner plays golf, runs, skis, or boats. You may not have any background in these activities, but you can certainly learn. You may not have the physical ability or find that an activity doesnt grow on you. But you can appreciate what it takes, and be an active supporter in a variety of ways. Your partners area of strength may be intellectual; it may be artistic; it may lie in home maintenance. Just participating alongside your partner gives you the opportunity to learn new skills and appreciate more about your loved one.

By the same token, share your own strengths. It may seem easier and more efficient to avoid the explanations and coaching time involved in sharing your strengths with your partner, but ease and efficiency dont necessarily feed mutual growth.

If youre both readers, read the same book, either separately or aloud to one another. Talk about your reactions to it. The content of the book becomes a shared experience that draws you together. Take up a new activity that neither of you has tried or mastered already. Sign up for dancing lessons or join a bicycling group. If you enjoy travel and have the means, plan trips to places neither of you have visited. If youre social types, make new friends in common.