Richard Carlson - What About the Big Stuff?: Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes Are High

RICHARD CARLSON, P H .D.

What About
the Big
STUFF?

Finding Strength and Moving Forward
When the Stakes Are High

This book is dedicated to everyone who has gone through big or painful stuff in their lives, and the selfless heroes who helped them get through it.

You dont even have to say it. I admit it! Im the person who said Dont Sweat the Small Stuff and its all small stuff. Fortunately, a vast majority of it is small stuff. Most of the things that bother us on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis are of a relatively small nature. It still holds true that learning to deal with small stuff effectively plays a large role in creating a happier and less stressed life. I can make the argument that it might be the single most important ingredient.

However, theres no denying that big stuff exists. In fact, theres no escaping it either. Every single one of us will experience pain during our lifetimes. Some of the issues will be universalillness, death, injury, and agingwhile other issues will vary from person to person, such as drug abuse and alcoholism, financial pressures, divorce, or being a victim of crime, violence, or prejudice, and so forth. Big stuff will hit us at different times during our lives, with varying severity and in different formsbut it will be there. Some things are predictable, while others are totally unexpected.

On September 11, 2001, we saw how quickly life can change. Not only were thousands of innocent lives destroyed, but also our entire nation, and in some ways the entire world, was changed forever. Whether directed at a nation or at an individual, vicious acts of violence have this potential. The same is true regarding other big stuff such as an accident or a sudden diagnosis.

This book came about for a very special reason. Since 1997, when Dont Sweat the Small Stuff was released, I have received thousands of letters asking the same question: What about the big stuff? As Ive grown older and hopefully wiser, I find myself asking this question too. This book is my attempt to answer it. Writing this book has been a tremendous learning opportunity for me, an important part of a lifelong journey. Ive had the privilege of speaking to and learning from some remarkable people who deal with remarkably big things.

I approached this book as much from the perspective of a student as that of a teacher. Im not an expert in this particular field. In fact, some of the issues in life are so big that Im not convinced that anyone is really an expert or qualified to dish out advice. With that in mind, I want you to know that this is not a prescriptive book. Instead, my hope in writing this is that it touches a part of you where your own capacity for inner healing exists. I believe with all my heart that everyone, regardless of what he or she is going through, has the capacity to heal and to experience inner health. Ive seen it time and time again. What I offer you is my best attempt to point you in this direction.

This is intended to be a book of comfort and inspiration. My goal is that you will feel inspired and hopeful, in order to do whatever is necessary to find peace and move on. For some, that might mean seeking help or friendship. For others, it could mean reading additional books, taking a course, learning to meditate, or turning toward your religion. My hope is that this book sparks your creativity and nudges you in a helpful direction.

I want to say a few words about a delicate subject. I encourage you, while reading this book, to stay open to your own lightheartedness and to the predicament of being human. Though the subject matter is serious and the stakes are high, I believe its important to maintain a sense of humor and perspective. I say this not to minimize the severity of anything we must deal with as human beings, but as a way through it. When you look around at all the people going through big things, youll quickly notice that those who fare the best are the ones who somehow manage to keep their perspective and sense of humor. At times, its hard to see how they do itbut they do, and its genuine. Part of it is that the best antidote to pain is joy. The more we appreciate life and experience joy, the better able we are to balance the pain and keep things in perspective.

It seems to me that there are several ways to approach the big stuff in our lives, whatever it happens to be. First, we can prepare ourselves by creating a reservoir of inner health. We can learn about the ways that our thinking, attitude, and behavior can sometimes inadvertently make things even worse, and by knowing that, we can avoid exacerbating our pain, at least to some degree. In the same light, we can learn to be happier and more contented on a daily basis, thus providing much-needed balance to offset the pain in our lives.

We can learn to let go and become more accepting, therefore allowing our natural wisdom to take over. With practice, we can learn to access our mental health and experience inner peace, not only because it creates the immediate reward of having a happy and satisfied life, but also as preparation for the inevitable. To this end, I believe that learning to not sweat the small stuff actually prepares us for tackling the bigger stuff. As we get used to responding to life in healthy, effective ways instead of reacting to every little thing, its as though we are training for bigger things. It becomes normal for us to be healthy. And that health comes in handy when the stakes are high.

We can also learn to be proactively responsive. In other words, we can learn actual skills to apply in response to the painful events and aspects of our lives. We can, for example, learn to be more genuinely optimistic and to surrender and be open to our pain, rather than to fight it. There are skills such as meditation, yoga, and mindfulness that make surrender much more realistic. We can learn to pray, ask for help, and most importantly, to turn to God in good times and bad.

Theres no question that we can learn to practice compassion and kindness in our daily lives. This practice not only benefits everyone else but also creates an inner immunity to pain. When you observe the helpers who respond to a natural disaster, an act of terrorism, or a personal crisis, youll notice that they are the ones who fare the best by far. That is because they are focused not on themselves, but on what they can do to be of service. Their minds and hearts are filled with love. And love is the strongest healing force in our world.

As our wisdom deepens, so too does our capacity to deal with our own pain and to help others deal with theirs. I think its important to note, however, that one doesnt have to be going through a life-or-death crisis to benefit from a deepening of wisdom. By focusing our attention and efforts on the deepest aspects of our being and on the most important aspects of life, we not only prepare ourselves for dealing with pain, but just as importantly, we learn to treasure the gift of life. In some ways thats the most important thing to rememberthat life is a gift. Despite the pain, the troubles, and all the big stuff, life is still a magical experience. Keep in mind that any strides you make toward learning to deal with the big stuff will reinforce your resolve in not sweating the small stuff!