Alison Osborne - The Post-Baby Conversation: What new parents need to say to each other

When my first child, Heidi, was 20 months old and I was 4 months pregnant with our second child, my husband Stewart and I had a transforming conversation. That conversation marked the end of a period of intense mental and emotional confusion for me, and the beginning of a fulfilling post-baby relationship for us. Until that time, our postbaby relationship had been struggling: there were powerful new emotions, unspoken expectations and relentless demands. I felt that we were two people adrift at sea in the dark, waiting for something or someone to tell us what had happened to our previous life. We were waiting for instructions as to how we could navigate ourselves back to the music and magic of our pre-baby days. Each of us wanted a glimpse of the person wed married and to remember what was so special about them. We wanted to have fun and laugh together again.

The transforming conversation took place one evening after Heidi had been put to bed. I was nervously and excitedly sitting on the couch in front of the television. Stewart was reading the paper and also trying to listen to what was on the television. I said that I had something really important to tell him and that what I had to say signified a real change in my life. When he finally looked across at me (and I admit he looked a little fearful), I remember telling him that I had finally accepted my new job my role as a mother and all the work that role entailed, and that I was happy (well, mostly) to do it.

It was that exchange which ultimately inspired this book. And although that conversation reflected a major change in my attitude and thinking, Stewart recently admitted that his recollection of that discussion was a little hazy; clearly, the event could hardly be described as life-changing for him.

I remember that earlier in the day on which that conversation took place, I had been standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, and for the first time in 20 months I wasnt resenting what I was doing and wondering why was it me who had to do this. I accepted that this was part of my job now. For the previous 20 months I had been immersed in confusion, mostly about my new status, both in the world and in my relationship. I was confused about having to do so much more of what had previously been shared tasks, but even more about the sudden and abrupt end of my freedom. I was either stuck at home or had a child attached to me on a permanent basis. Everywhere I went I took not only my baby, but also nappies and wipes and changes of clothes for her, and changes of clothes for me, and later on a little esky bag which contained milk and biscuits and a water cup, all of which had to be prepared every time we stepped out the door.

And what really ate away at me initially was that I was totally sure my husband just didnt get it, as he would kiss me goodbye in the morning and take off for work. I would look through the window after him as I stood holding our baby, full of resentful resignation. For me to do what he just did would take hours of organisation. He couldnt possibly understand how severe the impact of suddenly losing almost total freedom was just as I couldnt possibly have imagined it before I became a mother. We were both besotted with our new baby girl, but my life had changed dramatically, while the life of the adult I lived with had not.

In that supposedly wonderful and exhilarating post-baby phase, I began to feel not only confused, but also less understood by my partner. The differences between us were growing; our experiences of parenthood diverged dramatically right from the start.

Our conversations became fragmented, emotional and humourless. They became less about understanding and more about logistics. They changed from being supportive and encouraging to being spiteful gripe-fests. When I eventually came to accept my new role and was able to talk about it with him, our lives stopped diverging, the battleground ceased to exist and I started to feel that we were in this together.

A number of factors got me to the point of accepting my role as a mother:

Being a mother is a 24/7 job; it demands many more hours than a full-time paid job. In my view, it isnt fair for one parent to take on that complete burden. Parenting is a shared domain, and Stewart and I do share the out of work hours childcare. He has always been 100 per cent in agreement with that. I do most of the during the day stuff, but Stewart helps through the nights, in the mornings and in the evenings and also on the weekends. He works all day, but so do I. Occasionally we get a babysitter and I help him with some cattle work for the day, which is a wonderful treat for both of us (I think!).