Case - Boomer And Me: A Memoir of Motherhood, and Aspergers

Vanessa and I collide at the school gate, in a tangle of dog leads and frantic barking. Her dog is a waist-high German Shepherd with a glossy coat and a fractious nature. Privately, I nickname him Cujo. Our small dogs bounce and bark below him, like mice agitating a cat.

Um, I saw Leo baring his bottom by the monkey bars just then, she says. I told him that it was dirty and to pull his pants up, but I thought I should let you know.

Thanks, I mumble, quickly changing the subject. So, Im still picking up Angus tonight?

Thatd be great. Ive got a big essay to write and Ive hardly done anything. See you at six?

Ill need to tell Santa that there are no Bionicles for Christmas.

Again and again, the note comes back to us in Leos Communication Book: Sorry to say, but Leo pulled his pants down at lunchtime again. He seems to be imitating Bart Simpson. Unfortunately, it has the desired effect of making the other kids laugh.

Weve banned The Simpsons until further notice. (A pity: it was so much fun to watch it together.) Then we banned him from Lego Bionicleshis favourite toyfor a week, then a fortnight. The current threat for a repeat of this behaviour is no Bionicles for Christmas. I have no idea what to do next. Take away all his Bionicles? All his toys?

While Leo has largely learned how to behave in class, hes still getting into trouble in the playground, where there are no rules and no teacher regularly watches over him.

He loses his temper, he strays into out-of-bounds areas. And he pulls down his pants.

Angus pounces joyfully as I approach his classroom. He is bouncing on the spot with excitement, clouds of blue dust billowing at his feet and settling on his black lace-up school shoes.

My mum said I have to tell you every time Leo says something rude! he announces.

Rewind to two days ago. Youre early, Vanessa greeted me. Are you okay? You look terrible. She pulled me into the good sitting roomthe one they dont actually useto tell me about her afternoon. Apparently, she overheard Leo saying something about sucking a womans breast on the way home and told him that if she ever hears anything like that again, he is no longer welcome at their house.

I like Leo, she said, in a tone that screamed the opposite. But Angus is innocent, and Miles and I would like to keep him that way. I dont mean to judge, but I dont know where Leo has picked that up from. Do you? Hes a very advanced reader, so maybe he read it somewhere?

Yeah, I thought sourly, like all those Playboy magazines I keep in my bottom drawer. I apologised and assured her I would investigate and give my son a thorough talking-to.

I mean, it was one thing when he told Angus how babies are made, she continued. I didnt really mind that. I mean, I didnt really want him to know about it yet, but what can you do? I did have to put up with him saying penis and vagina all weekend, but but that was okay, I guess.

What exactly did you say? I growled, as soon as we were out of the house.

I said that Supergirl was the stupidest movie Id ever seen and Angus said Supergirl was beautiful. So I asked him if he wanted to suck Supergirls breast.

Where did you get that from?

From when you get born. You know, breastfeeding!

Rachel is breastfeeding Leos baby brother Quentin. I breathed a sigh of relief and told him never to say anything like that again.

Seven-year-old boys love to dob on each other. I have a magic formula that I recite to all visiting children. I dont want to hear about it unless someone is hurt, someone is in danger or about to get hurt, or something is being wrecked. I fill the gaps by keeping my ears tuned while they play, pouncing on bad words when they least expect it.

Vanessa has overridden my formula.

He keeps doing it because it makes the other kids laugh, says the deputy principal, Eliza. But they dont laugh so much anymore. They think its weird.

Were sitting in her office with the door shut, discussing the pantspulling-down behaviour that has become Leos speciality. Outside, in the corridor, Leo and Angus are providing a thudding, squealing soundtrack to our conversation. Its an effort to keep in the tears. I nod and agree, apologising for what seems like the thousandth time.

Leo is a great kid, she says. Hes come so far this year. Weve told him were really proud of him. Hes incredibly smart. Sometimes, perhaps, that causes problems. But we love having him around.

Really? You do?

Eliza hands me a tissue. Of course we do.

As we walk home through the park, I remind Leo about the message to Santa. And if he pulls down his pants in the schoolyard again, I warn, I will give all his Bionicles to his cousin, Jordan. The sky is dark with smoke from distant bushfires. I push through the heat and smog towards our street. Leo points to the wall of a nearby power station as we pass.

Thats graffiti, he says. Seth says that when he grows up, he wants to write graffiti.

The boys lean in to each other, giggling. Leo whispers something.

Excuse me, says Angus. Leo says that when he grows up, he wants to sniff vaginas.

WHAT? I interrogate the boys. It turns out that Leo said he wants to sniff bums. Which is bad, but Andy Griffiths rather than Hugh Hefner territory. Angus just wanted to say vagina. I growl at them both. My throat hurts, my eyes sting, the backs of my knees are sticky with sweat.

As I unhook the picket fence and push open the gate, Angus taps my arm.

Excuse me. Leo said that daisy is stupid. He points into the garden.

I look at him. And stupid is a bad word?

He nods.

Okay, I say, and determinedly busy myself with locking my bike to the verandah post. Head down, I fantasise about killing Vanessa, who has clearly condemned me to a long and painful afternoon.

I am cutting up honey toast and Granny Smith apples at the kitchen table. Angus wanders in to fetch his carton of Ribena, and stays to watch.

So, if Leo is rude again, his cousin will get all his Bionicles?

Yes.

Oh. You know, you could give them to me.

Thats an interesting idea, but I dont think so.

Oh. He takes a slice of apple from one of the plates. You could give half to me, half to his cousin?

No.

Maybe I could have just one?

I snap. Angus, if I were to give you Leos Bionicles if he was rude, youd tell me he was rude, wouldnt you? So I dont think its a good idea. Theyll go to his cousin. Pause. And hopefully, Leo will be good.

I wont say hes rude

No.

By 6.10 pm, I have a headache with trying to work out who is really being rude, who is making up stories, who actually deserves to be told off, and how to explain that I dont really care if someone said bloody. There are just as many complaints and rude words from innocent Angus as Leo. Next week, I plan to revert to my dobbing guidelines.

Vanessa arrives at 6.30 pm, breezily. She has, as usual, brought Anguss brother, Tom, with her. The three boys dash out into the backyard for a lightsabre duel. Tony shoots her a look and disappears. He is furious, as is Leos father, about all her fussing. They think she is a prude. Mark actually came out with a killer line when I told him how upset she was about the where babies come from chat. What would she prefer? he said icily. That Angus goes around saying