Jane Middelton-Moz - Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise

Finallya clear, understandable description of shame and guilt. Weaving fairy tales with everyday life examples of shame and its debilitating effects speaks gently to the child in each of us, providing a deeper knowledge. This book helps to name that what-is-wrong-with-me part of each of us.

Psychotherapist

Jane Middelton-Mozs finely crafted allegory of Giant, Chameleon, and Perfect profoundly touches her readers innermost beliefs and feelings. In this insightful text, Middelton-Moz sensitively takes her readers by the hand and leads them on a journey toward self-love and self-acceptance.

Management Consultant

This book in its entirety is a masterpiece. Jane Middelton-Moz is a gifted clinician, storyteller, and teacher.

Therapist

This helpful book offers an understandable way to learn to diminish the emotional hurts of a shame-based childhood. Middelton-Moz shows us the role of compassionate listening as she encourages us to give voice to the hurt and begin our healing.

High School Teacher

At last, an explanation of shame and guilt written in a way that I can understand as a lay person. Now I have something to work with in my recovery.

Stockbroker

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Middelton-Moz, Jane.

Shame and guilt: the masters of disguise / by Jane Middelton-Moz

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p.

ISBN-13: 978-1-55874-072-3

ISBN-10: 1-55874-072-4

1. Adult children of dysfunctional familiesMental health.

2. Shame. 3. Guilt. I. Title.

RC455.4,F3M53 1990 616.85822dc20

89-24730

CIP

1990 Jane Middelton-Moz

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-2404-8 (ebook)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-2404-5 (ebook)

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190

To: My husband, Rudolph I. Moz.

My sons, Shawn, Jason, Damien and Forrest Middelton.

My stepdaughter, Melinda Moz.

My brother, Alex E. Ward.

There is no greater wealth than the riches of the heart offered generously through the love, support, and warmth of a caring family. If heart gifts could be measured, I would consider myself to be one of the wealthiest individuals on the planet Earth.

To: Mary Carter, Susan Arthur Harris, Elaine Lussier, Kit Wilson, and Anna Latimerfive women who I have known at different ages and stages of my life who have offered continual love, care, and warmth and an honest lullaby.

T his book would not have been possible without the generosity of time, insights, loving support and contributions of many individuals. Their generous support and talents greatly contribute to the substance of this book.

A very deep and special thank you goes out to:

Jacquie Hope, a valued friend, who gave generously of her time, energy, and talents. Jacquie supported me in a hundred ways throughout the writing process.

My brother, Alex Ward, for his laughter, loving support, and work on the word processor.

Jason Middelton and Cindy Wescott, two talented creative artists who provided artwork for the book.

My husband, Rudolph Moz, for his incredible support and long hours of clinical input and feedback.

Alex Barker, Ken Carter, Gordon Dickman, Susan Gibson Breda, Jacquie Hope, Susan Irwin, Shawn Middelton, Damien Middelton, Forrest Middelton, Evelyn Mineo, Trish Pearce, Glenna Pinson, and Robin Wehl for their extremely valuable editorial comments, insights, and feedback at different stages in the writing process.

Diane Lout, my office manager, who consistently offers support and laughter and provides structure and order in my daily life.

Pat Huber, for her extremely competent work on the word processor.

Peter Vegso and the staff of Health Communications for providing long hours, talent, and creativity in the publishing of this book.

Luann Jarvie, Suzanne Smith, and Gary Seidler, for their warmth, loving care, and professional support.

Gershen Kaufman, Helen Block Lewis, Helen Lynd, Merle Fossum, Marilyn Mason, John Bowlby, Polly Crisp, Harriet Lerner, Melanie Klein, Janet Woititz, John Bradshaw, Lorie Dwinell, and other talented clinicians for their expert clinical knowledge and teachings that have challenged my mind and heart.

Lorie Dwinell, a valued colleague and friend, for her clinical and personal support.

Marie Stilkind, my editor, whose insight, talent, patience, and additional support was invaluable to me.

Michael Miller, a talented editor, for his insights, gift with words, and consistent help and advice.

A very deep and special thanks to my clients, consultees, and the participants in my seminars and workshops, without whose personal knowledge and sharing this book would never have been possible.

An Explanation

The individuals mentioned in the case examples are composites of many adult children whom I have seen in my twenty- three years of clinical practice individuals who grew up in shaming families and communities. The experiences of being reared in shaming environments are frequently similar. Any similarity of examples to specific individuals is only a result of these common characteristics.

T he impact of growing up in a shaming environment affects an individuals life. Debilitating shame affects our ability to form loving relationships, honor ourselves adequately, and may impact our future generations. Yet it has only been in the last ten years that the dynamics of shame have received attention in the field of psychology. Helen Block Lewis (1987), in her book The Role of Shame in Symptom Formation refers to shame as the sleeper. Earlier attention was focused on guilt, and frequently the two emotions were confused. Shame was ignored entirely. It makes sense that shame would be ignored in that it is one of the most difficult feelings to communicate. We are ashamed of our shame.

Books on shame are now being published. This is an important step in bringing it out of hiding. It is my feeling that debilitating shame and guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families. Our understanding of these masters of disguise will enhance our understanding of all adult children of dysfunctional families and/or communities. It will help explain why many adult children of depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, and parental and sibling death (to name a few) identify so readily with the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. All these adult children have one thing in common they grew up in shaming environments where the grief of the past was not resolved in the past and their parents in delayed grief could not healthily bond to children.

Some of the difficulties that we have faced in understanding the concepts of debilitating shame and guilt are that the concepts have been confused historically in the literature and that the theoretical information has been difficult to understand.

When I was asked to write a clear, easy-to-understand book on shame and guilt, I was excited by the challenge. I found that using fairy tales to portray shaming environments allowed readers to reach the shamed child in themselves and added clarity to sometimes difficult concepts. Throughout my research, I found that there were definable characteristics of shaming environments recounted by adult children who experienced debilitating shame in childhood. In this book, characteristics of shame-based behavior in relationships are explored and defined. I have listed these characteristics in several sections and have given examples that I believe will aid in the understanding of each characteristic on an emotional as well as cognitive level.