Jane Middelton-Moz - After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Middelton-Moz, Jane, 1947

After the tears : helping adult children of alcoholics heal their childhood

trauma / Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1513-8

ISBN-10: 0-7573-1513-5

1. Adult children of alcoholicsPsychology. 2. AlcoholicsFamily relationships.

I. Dwinell, Lorie, 1939- II. Title.

HV5132.M53 2010

362.292'3dc22

2010023155

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9337-2 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-9337-3 (ePub)

1986, 2010 Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Poem on page 62 reprinted with permission.

Interior illustrations by Carol Hobart. 1986

Back cover photo of Jane Middelton-Moz by Beltrami Studios

Back cover photo of Lorie Dwinell by Bill Dwinell

Cover design by Justin Rotkowitz

Interior design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

Interior formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

ePub created by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

To the Adult Children of Alcoholics

who have taught us so much about the

strength of the human spirit

and to those ACOAs who have turned their pain

into the gift of helping others to heal.

FROM JANE:

My loving husband, John R. Fletcher,

the wind beneath my wings,

My brother, Alex E. Ward, who was always there for me, and

The memory of my parents, Jane and Bill,

who never had the opportunity to recover from alcoholism

or heal their painful wounds of the past. I thank them for the

gifts they gave me and for doing the best they could.

FROM LORIE:

The memory of my two brothers, David and Bill Dwinell,

and to my mother Betty Lou Archer.

Mom, I so desperately wish there had been avenues

for healing childhood wounds when you were the age many

of the readers of this book will be. In the face of

tragic losses and abuse, you tried so hard to heal and

not be broken by your history. God knows you tried

and tried again and I admire you for that.

IN MEMORY

Janet Geringer Woititz,

a giant in the ACOA field, whose books on

children of alcoholics and alcoholic families have

touched and are continuing to touch

the hearts of millions.

Della Hill, Judalon Jeffries, Vera Manuel,

and Dr. Rudolph Moz, who dedicated their careers

to working with ACOAs, alcoholic families, and

families affected by generational trauma.

DAUGHTERS OF THE BOTTLE

until i was twenty-two

i didnt think anyone else

had a drunk for a mother

then i met lori, joanie, and susan

i recognized them immediately

by their stay-away smiles

they were leaders in their work

competent imposters like me

who would say they were sorry

if somebody bumped into them on a crowded street

i call on them once in a while

they always come

children of alcoholics always do

Jane Middelton (Moz), from Juggler in a Mirror, 1980

CONTENTS

The Same but Different: Differences in Children from the Same Alcoholic Family
and Differences in Alcoholic Families

Validation of Trauma and Breaking Through Denial: Understanding the
Normal Response to an Abnormal and Painful Life

Building a Cognitive Life Raft: Developing an Intellectual Understaning of the
Effects of a Painful Life

Empowering Change in a Painful Legacy: Adult Children and
Sibling Relationships

ACOAs in the Workplace: I Can Be a Team Player as Long as Im the Only
Player on the Team

Acceptance and Forgiveness: Holding On to Resentment Is like Taking
Poison and Hoping the Other Guy Dies

Finding the Sacred in the Ordinary: Opening a Window
to Spirituality for Adult Children of Alcohlics

W E WOULD LIKE TO THANK all who have influenced and touched our lives through our careers as therapists, authors, public speakers, community interventionists, and teachers. Thank you for entrusting yourselves to our care and for teaching us so much about courage, strength, and resiliency.

We owe an intellectual and emotional debt to the following giants in our field: Bob Ackerman, Claudia Black, Joan Borysenko, Stephanie Brown, John Bradshaw, Patsy Carter, Stephanie Covington, Tian Dayton, Christina Grof, Harriet Lerner, Jerry Moe, Pat OGorman, Phil Oliver-Diaz, James Pennebaker, Daniel Siegel, Peter Steinglass, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Charles Whitfield, and Mary Lee Zawadski. The depth of intellect and passion for understanding the human condition you have brought to the important work we are all committed to is enormous.

A special thank-you to our editor, Candace Johnson, for her constant support, compassion, expert help, talent, and knowledge.

We would also like to thank Peter Vegso, Gary Seidler, Kim Weiss, Suzanne Smith, Lorrie Keip, Craig Jarvie, Terry Burke, Doreen Hess, Tanya Woodworth, Larissa Henoch, and the editorial and art departments, as well as the entire staff at Health Communications, Inc., for their continued support throughout the years.

We would like to thank Karen Bingham, Jeanie Ferguson, Lucille Harms, Ann Harrmann, Lenny Hayes, Tiffiny Hubbard, Marilyn Janzen, Ruth Mueller, Yvonne Rigsby-Jones, Sarah Aloupa, Kim Sebastian, Carol Hobart, and Phil Wells for their part in helping to make this book a success.

Jane would like to acknowledge the wisdom, love, heart gifts, and endless support of her loving family: my children, Shawn, Jason, Damien, Lisa, Forrest and Sarah Middelton, Annie Van Avery, Melinda and Michael Knight, Suzy Goodleaf and Diane Labelle, and Michael and Laura Fletcher, for sharing your uniquely wonderful selves and being the cherished gifts you are; my precious grandchildren, Logan, Canaan, Anastasia, and Mira Middelton, Christopher and Ryan Flannery, Sarah Potter, Lily and Emma Knight, and Sage and Jamie Goodleaf-Labelle, for their continual gifts of laughter, wisdom, and love; my mother-in-law, Rose Fletcher, and my sisters-in-law, Jeanie Ferguson and Kathy Medici, for your kindness, laughter, and loving welcoming. All of you make me a very wealthy woman.

Jane would like to give her heartfelt thanks to her office manager and friend, Diane Laut. Diane, I dont know what I would have done without you for the last twenty-three years. There are no words for the support, talent, and heart gifts you have given me.

Jane would also like to say a heartfelt thank-you for the love, friendship, and continual support of Rod Jeffries, Harold and Joy Belmont, Elaine Lussier, John and Sharon Krueger, Wanda Gabriel, Jimmy and Robin Nicholas, Terry Harrmann, Rebecca Martell, Annie and Don Popert, Jeannie May, Gina Delmastro and Alex Smith, Bob and Sharon Horr, King and Gayle Lyons, Shirley Walker, Jean Jacque Guyot, and Bill Laut. Your conversations, support, and prayers as I worked on After the Tears have been more meaningful than you can possibly know.

Jane would like to express her gratitude to her coauthor, Lorie Dwinell. You have offered so much to our field from the earliest days. You truly are a pioneer. I am grateful for our journey together developing the thoughts, insights, and compassion that went into the writing of After the Tears and for our continued work together to give a voice to Adult Children of addicted families who may have lost their own.