Mandel Howie - Heres the deal, dont touch me

I was devastated. I was humiliated. And I was probably finished, both professionally and personally. Those thoughts were racing around my head just minutes after doing Howard Sterns radio show.

This is not a joke, nor did it feel funny. It was sometime in the late 1990s, and I was in the middle of a national press tour. Either I was promoting my dream come true, a nationally syndicated daytime talk show, The Howie Mandel Show, or it might have been right on the heels of its cancellation, when I wanted people to know I was still out there, hopefully funny, and available for work. I cant remember the date or exactly what happened, but I will never forget my feelings.

I had been in the business for twenty years as a stand-up comedian, actor, and now host, so I pretty much knew what to expect from these interviews. Most people ask the same soft-ball questions.

But Howard Stern is a different animal. His show is about entertainment and controversy, sometimes at the expense of his guests. Even Steven Spielberg might have to sit between two midgets and a hooker and participate in Howards circus while hes trying to plug his Holocaust movie. You must bring your A-game and be prepared to roll with whatever is thrown your way.

Howard Sterns setup is unlike any other. Normally, you just sit face-to-face with the host and answer questions and focus on being informative and entertaining. But on Howards show, anyone can chime in at any time from anyplace in the room. Robin, a lovely young lady who has been his sidekick since he started in radio, sits in a glass booth off to the side. Fred, a longtime staple of Sterns show, usually sits someplace behind you. At that time, Jackie the Joke Man, who either provided comedic input verbally or passed along material to Howard, was also there. This was the regular irregularity of this show. Now add to this a guest whose name I cannot remember. I would have preferred two midgets and a hooker, because this interview would prove to be far more dangerous. It was tough enough as it was because of Howards setup.

The mystery guest was wearing a T-shirt and loosely fitting sweatpants. Howard was playing a game where listeners had to guess this guests special talent. I immediately became a radio show contestant, and I too had to join the guessing game. Being able to see him wasnt an advantage.

After many, many calls and repeated clues from Howard, nobody had guessed correctly. Finally, Howard revealed this guys special talent. The man stood up, loosened his sweatpants, and dropped them to his knees. It was like going to a show where the curtain is dropped and the main attraction is revealed. He had a huge penis, the likes of which I have never seen.

I dont know how to describe what I saw. You hear of men with large penises. The best way to describe this was a large penis with a small man on the end.

With Howard calling the play-by-play, the guy began doing tricks with his member. He wrapped his penis around his leg clockwise and tied it into something of a knot. This guy was an amazing talent. I have no idea where he is today, but hes probably hugenot as far as success goes, but wherever he is, hes huge.

The whole event was so Howard. He presents the biggest, craziest penis ever seenon radio.

I was awash with different emotions. The first was jealousy. That was followed quickly by discomfort. Im not a homophobe, but there is nothing more disconcerting than a man sitting next to you playing with his penis. I was supposed to be there promoting myself, but I felt as though I were sitting on a two a.m. train back to Brooklynnot that Ive been on a two a.m. train to Brooklyn, nor would I expect the man next to me to be playing with his penis, but I dont have any other point of reference for this experience.

When the penis manipulator finished his tricks, Howard said goodbye. The guy zipped up and headed toward the door. As a little boy, I had been taught to wash my hands after going to the bathroom, even if I had touched nothing but my own penis. This guy I had been sitting next to didnt piss, but I promise you he touched his penis. Wait, Im thinking, where are the hand wipes? As any person would, he grabbed the knob, pulled the door open, and was gone. He might have been gone, but in my mind, there was so much more of him still in the room than needed to be.

Now that he had left, it was my time to shine. My job would be to chime in from time to time with some witty repartee. That being said, I dont believe my repartee was witty, if even existent. My entire focus was on that doorknob that I knew I would have to handle.

As Howard went on, I felt like Charlie Brown in Peanuts when the teacher speaks and all Charlie hears is Waw, waw, waw. All I could think about was how I was going to get through the door without touching the knob.

The next thing I seem to remember hearing is Howard thanking me for stopping by. In fact, if you listen to a tape of the broadcast, it may not be anything like this. Im just telling you what was going on in my head.

After the goodbyes and thank-yous, I headed toward the door. When I reached the threshold, I very casually, and as naturally as I could, asked, Can somebody open the door for me? I dont want to touch the knob because the guy had his penis all over his hands, and his hands touched the door. I didnt think it would be an issue.

But Howard wanted me to open the door myself.

I didnt want to. He had touched his penis and then he touched the doorknob.

This back-and-forth lasted through the commercial break, and soon we were back live on the air. Howard announced that Howie Mandel wouldnt touch the doorknob because it had penis residue on it, and the drama escalated.

I stood there for what seemed like an eternity. Though I wasnt physically trapped, I was mentally trapped. At this moment, nothing else existed for me but this problem. I had no awareness that this back-and-forth was being broadcast nationally. I was making no effort to be funny or entertaining. I just wanted to get out of that room, so I lifted the veil of funny and went to honesty.

I said something to the effect of: The joke is over, I cannot touch this door. As much as I imagine this is entertaining, this is real. Its something that I cope with and talk to a therapist about. Its a real issue, and its part of a bigger condition called OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

That admission was a major event in my life. The fact that I had told Howard Stern that I have a serious mental issue and see a therapist for it may not seem like anything to you, the reader, but this was a big hammer that landed for me. It was like revealing my darkest secret.

I remember feeling heart palpitations, a shortness of breath, and an anxiety attack coming on, which is why my memory of the story is somewhat clouded. I could not touch that doorknob. Truthfully, I dont know what Howard was saying. I do know that I told him what I was suffering from was real. I do know that I was panicked. I do know that I wasnt in the mode to entertain. And I do know that it didnt feel good.