Dr. Debra Mandel - Dump That Chump!: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps--a Guide to Getting Over Mr. Wrong

Chapter 1
Cupids Mission

Chapter 2
When Cupid Goofs: Jasmines Tale of Woe

Chapter 3
Are You in Love with a Chump?

Chapter 4
Dr. Debras Nine-Step Success Plan

Chapter 5
Step One : Dump That Chump

Chapter 6
Step Two : Transforming Self-Downers to Self-Uppers

Chapter 7
Step Three : No More Pining for, Romanticizing, or Fantasizing About the Chump

Chapter 8
Step Four : From Mad and Sad to Glad

Chapter 9
Step Five : Givin Yourself Some Lovin

Chapter 10
Step Six : Accepting Your Own Screwups

Chapter 11
Step Seven : Time to PartyBe the Birthday Girl

Chapter 12
Step Eight : Sexy and SingleBut No Sex!

Chapter 13
Step Nine : Teaming Up with Cupid

W omen from all walks of life find themselves in dead-end relationships, knowing theyre never going to be happy by stayingyet they cant seem to leave. No, theyre not ugly or undesirable; nor are they vapid airheads unable to function independently. Rather, theyre smart, attractive, and interesting! Yet they dont behave as such. Often, even long after they recognize their guy isnt going to change, theyll continue making excuses for his bad behavior, trapped by feeling sorry for themselves, or by fear of being alone. Most tragically, theyre held hostage by the misinformed belief that theyll never find someone who will treat them any better.

Mind you, this is not a small group Im referring to; rather, this description applies to millions of women. Over the course of my professional and personal life, Ive met hundreds of women suffering from this condition. Frankly, far too many women sell themselves a whole bunch of crap by believing that this is simply the nature of the beast. Many women will say, Men are who they are and we women must lower our expectations, lest we wish to be alone for the rest of our lives. Or worse, theyll say things that make themselves the cause of their guys obnoxiousness, like, Oh, if only I were [ fill in the blank : nicer, prettier, skinnier, smarter, blah, blah, blah], he wouldnt be such a jerk. They believe they cant do better, and thus rationalize his bad behavior as acceptable.

The truth is the guys theyre stuck with are CHUMPS! And these men (if you can even call them that) arent going to change. In fact, the longer one stays with a chump, the more chumpy the chump becomesbecause he knows he can get away with it. Theres simply no incentive for him to change. But that doesnt mean his partner has to put up with him.

I say its high time this self-destructive behavior by so many wonderful women comes to an end. Women need to stop wasting their time settling for less than they deserve. They must stop putting up with the chronic disappointment and hurt that inevitably come along with staying with guys who mistreat them. Though these women dont believe it, good men do exist out theremen who will treat them right.

Of course, its hard to break these patterns. Believe me, I know. In fact, after many painful relationships with my own set of chumps, I think my personal experience may even better qualify me as an expert on this subject than my years as a practicing psychologisteven though Ive specialized in dating and relationships for more than twenty years. Plus, this syndrome of dating chumps cuts across women from all walks of life. So please know that if this describes you, youre in good company.

Lets face it. Even though the womens movement and all the hoopla about equal rights have put us firmly on the map as a recognizable species, we women are still being taught that were second-class citizens and that our needs dont matter as much as our mans needs do. Just turn on the tube for a few hours, open a newspaper, or examine the gender of those at the helm of major businesses and youll see that men still largely hold more power and receive more respect than women do. (Dont get me wrong. Im certainly not encouraging women to feel victimized, nor am I bashing men. I am just making a point that its understandable that many women do not take good care of themselves in their personal, intimate lives.)

God forbid we women put ourselves on an equal playing field with men, claiming our own needs first. Then were liable to be labeled selfish. And I dont know about you, but Ive never experienced that label as complimentary. So, if we become strong enough to break ties with a loser, in order to avoid such a noxious appraisal, we often spend monthsif not yearsidealizing the chump, blaming ourselves for the relationships failure, and unable to move forward. Or we follow the well-intended but not very effective advice of many self-help resources that tell us to spend enormous amounts of time and energy being angryas if demonizing the bum will actually make us feel better. What were not being offered are tools for how to get over these bad matches and move on. No revenge, no sulkingjust letting go!

Yes, I know this may sound harsh. But anyone who knows me would tell you Im far from insensitive and Im actually very compassionate. (Of course, you might find a chump or two whom Ive left behind who may beg to differ. But, consider the source!

J) Actually its because I have such empathy for women stuck in these futile cycles of staying hooked on the wrong guys that I can be so matter-of-fact. Remember, Ive been there myself many a time. So if my tone sounds harsh, I encourage you to stay with me for a while and understand that Im coming from a loving placealthough my approach is a kind of tough-love one.

I, along with so many other women, unfortunately had to learn how to dump a chump the hard way: by a painstaking process of trial and error. But it doesnt have to be this hard. Women simply need a better, far more efficient way to stop being doormats, get on with their lives, and create space for Mr. Right!

So how do you dump a chump with only minimal suffering? In the chapters ahead, I give you a unique approach proven to work with the hundreds of women whom Ive helped break up with chumps and never look back. And it doesnt take nearly as long as you might expect. In fact, the notion that it takes half as long to get over a breakup as was the length of the relationship is ludicrous. We dont have to dwell on bad relationships once we fully embrace the fact that we deserve better. Its just a matter of getting back our self-worthor developing it in the first place if its been lacking. And, hey, its just par for the course that Cupid is going to goof once in a while. This just doesnt have to be such a big deal.

Once we recognize that a relationship isnt going anywhere, we can lick our wounds and move forward, paving the way for a much better experience the next time Cupid comes calling. But like anything important, we have to build the muscles to develop the stamina to break free.

Using my years of clinical expertise specializing in relationships (and of course my years of wisdom acquired by dating chumps), I bring you a nine-step program to dump that chump once and for all and finally make room for Mr. Right. Featuring dozens of real-life anecdotes, quizzes, checklists, practical tools, and exercises, the book will get you into shape for passionate, nurturing love with a good guy. Youll learn to distinguish chumpy behavior from that which is workable, and youll learn what drives you to stay with such a loser.