Molly Katz - 101 Reasons to Dump Your Man and Get a Cat

For Buddy,who never says hell calland then doesntMolly Katz
For ArthurMerle Nacht Well, the relationship news is worse than ever. Nobodys into anybody, and everybody is searching for somebody. Statisticians tell us the number of happy human couples is dropping faster than they can count. Ecstatic marriage counselors are buying Prada briefcases and limited-edition Ferraris. To get an appointment with a counselor, at least one member of the couple must be in intensive care. The shocking figures were revealed in a recent nationwide poll.

Four million people responded to the following questions: Do you love your spouse/partner? No: 94% Yes: 3% Dont Know: 3% Most Frequent Comment: I know I love my cat. Would you rescue your spouse/partner if he or she was about to get eaten by a bear? No: 89% Yes: 5% Dont Know: 6% Most Frequent Comment: Maybe, once I made sure the cat was indoors. Would you divorce your spouse and marry your cat if you could? No: 1% Yes: 99% Most Frequent Comment: Where can I buy a really small ring? How long have you been with your spouse/partner? Too Long: 39% Way Too Long: 61% Most Frequent Comment: I have no idea. But Ive had my cat for six years, two months, and five cherished days. Does your spouse/partner ever threaten to leave? No: 8% No, Damn It: 92% Most Frequent Comment: Fine with me, as long as he/she doesnt try to take the cat. What is your primary household expenditure? Rent: 4% Transportation: 2% Little Fuzzy Squeaky Toys: 94% What is your spouse/partners most irritating habit? Lying: 4% Stealing: 3% Buying Stupid Healthy Cat Food Instead of What Tastes Good to the Cat: 93% How many cats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Dont Know: 2% Dont Care: 3% I Would Never Bother My
Precious Cat with Such a Menial
Chore: 95% H usbands and boyfriends Ive had, you dont want to know how many.

Theyexcuse the expressioncome and go. But my cat, Buddy, aint goin nowhere. B uddy is a beautiful tuxedo with a delicious soft coat and an irresistible baritone purr. He does have his flaws. Buddy likes to lie down any time I do. Lie down means to fight me for every bit of couch or bed space, but slowly, so I dont notice until I realize my body is frozen, hanging at the edge of the furniture.

He believes any food Im working with is for him, including meat, eggs, butter, soup, salad, or substances that smell like food, such as lip balm or shampoo. He insists on being included in every activitymaking the bed, doing the laundry, taking a shower, throwing a party, writing. You wouldnt believe what four cat feet on a keyboard can do. B ut I never have to fight Buddy for the car keys when hes had too many mai tais. He doesnt head for the litter box carrying a newspaper. And I know he wont cheat on me with his baby mama.

I ve never had a man whose fur
I could bury my face in when
I was sad. S o, to the bottom line
Cats are the ideal species
preference if one is to cohabit.
And heres why W hen youre packing to go away,
your man wont climb into your
suitcase and refuse to get out. Y ou dont have to take your
cat-in-law to dinner on
Mothers Day. Y ou dont need to panic over how
to tell your cat your period is late. Y ou can talk for hours on the
phone without pissing off your cat. N o one has ever been stood up
by a cat.

Y our cats parents wont pressure
you to convert to their religion. Y our man cant scratch his ear
with his foot. T here are no cat lawyers. Y ou cant make the bed with your
man in it, and then giggle at the
little lump. Y our cat doesnt care if you
have an innocent little drink
with your boss. C ats expect love at first sight.

A man cant use his whiskers
to tell if his body will fit
somewhere. Y ou dont need to call four of
your girlfriends to analyze what
your cat said. C ats hunt alone, not out with
the guys. Y our music, always. Y our man doesnt have pink toes
and black toes on the same foot. Y our cats feelings wont be hurt
if you never put on the lilac garter
belt he gave you.

I f your cat is attracted to the cat
sitter, so what? C ats are supposed to
sneak around
go out alone
have back hair I f your man poops on the rug,
theres a much bigger problem. Y ou never have to remind your cat
to use deodorant. N o man can entertain himself
all morning with one rubber band. Y our cat really can hang from
the chandelier. Y our cat wont hang a stuffed
mouse head on the wall. Y our man wont get rid of the bugs
in the house by eating them.

Y our cat doesnt have to compare
his penis with other cats'. Y our man cant stretch his body
to twice its normal length. C ats never have difficulty
showing emotion. W hen you step on your mans
foot, you cant pick him up and
make it all right with a nuzzle. C ats dont go to the grocery
store and come back with marinated
elk hooves but no toilet paper. H air balls, not hairy balls.

Y ou dont have to stand on your
tiptoes to kiss your cat. Y our mother will never nag you
about which cat to marry. Y our man cant come and go as
he pleases through his own little
square in the back door. Y ou dont have to pretend
to your cat that you havent had
many other cats. Y ou dont get to call your man
affectionate nicknames like
Skunk Face and Pork
Sandwich. T wo words:
one dish.

Y ou never have to worry
about whether its okay to date
your cats ex. Y our cat doesnt scatter the
contents of his pockets on the
dresser every night. Y our cat doesnt take his wiener
in his paw and shake it after peeing. Y ou wont find suspicious numbers
on your cats cell phone. C ats never notice
when you have
a new zit. Y ou dont have to convince your
cat to wear a condom, or pretend to
like putting it on for him.