Samantha Ettus - The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe for Success and Satisfaction

M y then five-year-old daughter Ella sat in the kitchen eating breakfast and talking excitedly about her upcoming school play. She looked up as she heard me gasp. Whats wrong, Mommy?

Oh, nothing, love.

How I wished that were true. Ellas first kindergarten performance was scheduled for the same day as a critical business event I had committed to six months earlier. While she would be singing her heart out on stage in Los Angeles, I would be in Boston speaking to 8,000 women gathered at the Massachusetts Conference for Women. I felt overcome with guilt; my daughter would be devastated to hear I wouldnt be there for her big performance. And I desperately wanted to attend. Of the many shapes and sizes of mommy guilt, this was Mount Everest.

This didnt mean I was prepared to miss my speech; it just meant that I needed to think of a backup planand fast. I contacted my mom friend who travels the most and she suggested the dress rehearsal. Of course! Why hadnt I thought of that?! I would attend the dress rehearsal and my husband would also video her part for me at the main event. With this plan in place, I delivered the news and Ella was surprisingly satisfied. Another messy moment had bitten the dust.

Ive coached thousands of women over the yearsworking moms, single moms, stay-at-home moms, on-ramping moms, stepmoms, C-level moms. Ive spoken to thousands more whove called in to my radio show. They have all experienced moments like this, times when they felt they just couldnt keep up. Sadly, many have reacted by changing or giving up on their careers because of these messy moments. Blaming their job for their imperfect personal life, theyve cut back their hours, looked for a more family friendly career, or left the workforce entirely. The thing is that stay-at-home moms have all had these moments too, but as working moms, we rush to blame our careers. When I asked journalist Lisa Belkin for her thoughts on this topic, having covered it in her now famous 2003 Opt-Out Revolution piece for the New York Times, she said, We go into jobs for rational reasons and leave them for emotional ones. I have seen this time and againwomen making snap decisions at challenging moments rather than taking a step back, letting things settle, and considering the big picture before acting.

Before we go any further, lets take that option off the table. If you feel squeezed between work and family responsibilities, please know that the worst thing you could do is give up your career. Research shows that the happiest among us, the ones who enjoy their lives most and feel fulfilled, are those with thriving personal lives and successful careers. This doesnt mean that our personal and professional lives wont conflict, or that we wont feel the pain of having to make constant sacrifices. Of course we will. It just means that the effort is well worth it.

When pharmaceutical executive and mom of three, Lauren Wilson returned to work after the birth of her youngest child, she found herself driving home on the freeway, pumping breast milk, and on a conference call, muted so no one would hear the pump. This hazardous multitasking could have pushed her over the edge, but instead, on tough days like this one, Lauren reminds herself that by working, I have decision power.

Some women reason that they dont have to work because they feel their spouses make enough money. They forget that the baby years are short and our lives are long. The sad statistical reality is that more than 70 percent of women who return to work after taking only two years off cant find a position comparable to what they had before. Their happiness plummets along with their paychecks. We women like to use our whole selvesour bodies, our minds, our energy. When we dont, we feel less fulfilled.

I attended a barbecue last summer hosted by a couple with a healthy six-month-old baby. The dad, a finance executive, talked about how hard it was for his attorney wife to decide whether to remain at her job. His wife worked from nine to six and then made it home to put their son to bed each night. On Fridays she worked from home. It sounded to me like she had won the working mom jackpot. Yet her husband was still grappling with whether she (not he!) should continue to work. Finally I turned to him. What would it feel like for you, I said, if beginning tomorrow, your entire life centered around Jacks sleep and feeding scheduleif you just focused on him all day long?

Stunned, he admitted he had never thought about it that way. Unprompted, he then launched into a description of his wifes background. He proudly described how she had been class president in high school, on the deans list in college, and a starter on the field hockey team. Then she had gone to law school, where she edited the law review. Youre right, he said. Theres no way she could give all this up any more than I could, no matter how much we love our son. As he subsequently told me, his conversations with his wife from that point on were never the same.