Jen Howver - Secret Survivors. Real-Life Stories to Give You Hope for Healing

YOUTH SPECIALTIES

Secret Survivors: Real-Life Stories to Give You Hope for Healing

Copyright 2008 by Jen Howver and Megan Hutchinson

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EPub Edition June 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-83314-7

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ISBN 978-0-310-28322-5

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We dedicate this book to all those who are on their way to becoming survivors. As you do the hard work of getting well, you will soon know the freedom that comes with feeling alive again! Its worth every single difficult and arduous step. We admire you already

From Megan: To Adam, who continually encourages me to share my story to help others heal. You continue to show me what it means to live freely and humbly, trusting in God all the while. I love our journey! And to Doug Fields, whose endless belief, encouragement, and humility spur me on.

From Jen: To Jay, for being a source of encouragement and strength that allowed me to tell my story in the first place. Without you, I would not be the survivor I am today, and I wouldnt have the courage to help other survivors on the journey. And to R and A, for the work youre doing today to heal and the power your stories will have to help others.

BECOMING A SECRET
SURVIVOR

Secrets. Everyone has them. Some may be as simple as I lied when I told my best friend I liked her new haircut. Others may be much darker and more painful: I told everyone I tripped and broke my arm, but actually my dad pushed me down the stairs.

Perhaps youve heard the rhyme little kids say, Secrets, secrets, are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone. When were younger, we dont like it when our friends keep secrets from us because we feel left out. But as we get a little older, the secrets people keep are not so much about others as they are about themselves. Our secrets involve the things we dont like about ourselves, or the things we do that were ashamed about, or things that have happened to us that were afraid to let anyone else know about.

No matter what your secret is, theres no doubt its hurting someoneyou. Our secrets carry with them feelings of shame, unworthiness, regret, and fear. As we hold on to our secrets, those feelings eat away at us. Eventually, we begin to believe the lies our secrets are telling us. For instance

THE GIRL WHO IS BEING PHYSICALLY AND

EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BEGINS TO BELIEVE IT

WHEN SHE SAYS TO HERSELF, YOU DESERVE TO

BE TREATED THIS WAY. YOURE NO GOOD.

THE GIRL WHO IS STARVING HERSELF BELIEVES

THE VOICES IN HER HEAD THAT TELL HER, YOU

ARENT AS THIN/BEAUTIFUL/SMART AS YOU

SHOULD BE.

THE GUY WHO IS STRUGGLING WITH PORN

ADDICTION THINKS, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING

WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU CANT STOP YOURSELF

FROM DOING THIS.

THE GIRL WHO WAS RAPED STARTS TO BELIEVE ITS

TRUE WHEN SHE THINKS, YOU DID SOMETHING

TO BRING THAT ON YOURSELF. YOU MUST HAVE

ASKED FOR IT.

THE GUY WHO CANT STOP USING DRUGS AND

ALCOHOL BEGINS TO BELIEVE HIS OWN LIES: GOD

DOESNT LOVE YOU. HOW COULD HE AFTER ALL

YOUVE DONE?

Whatever secrets you are carrying, you are not alone. Maybe you dont know anyone else who feels the way you feel, or who is struggling with the problem you have. Thats probably because other people who are dealing with those issues have hidden them away as their own dark secrets, too. Our culture is a place where performing, pleasing, and perfection are of the highest value. They are touted in movies, on TV, in ads. As a result, people appear perfect; they act like everything is fine. It makes us think we have to be all put together, too. We think that if anyone ever knew about our deepest secrets, then wed be hated, mocked, talked about, and humiliated. So we think its easier and safer to just keep our secrets to ourselves and try to survive them.

But the reality is that our secrets eat away at us. Secrets break us down emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally. The only way to really survive is to break the power our secrets have over usby telling someone else.

Survivors. Youve seen the TV show, or youve heard stories of people who managed to escape death when their plane crashed or they were trapped in an avalanche. Theyre called survivors. But you dont have to go to a deserted island or have a near-death experience to be a survivor.

Those of us who are brave enough to share our secrets are also survivors. When we tell someone else about the pain weve been hiding, we break free of the power that secret had over us. We begin to heal. And we realize there is strength to be found when we share our secrets. Many people discover that when they finally take the courageous step of sharing secrets theyve kept hidden, they experience new life and hope for who they are, and who they can be.

Like most of those survivors you hear about in the news, these secret survivors want to tell others about their experiences. They want to make sure others know so they dont have to be trapped by their personal secrets. They want others to find healing, to break the power of the secret, and to escape the pain and shame that holds them captive.

As you read Secret Survivors, youll encounter eight true stories of people like youpeople who once had a secret; people who carried a great deal of pain from what they held inside. Each of those people found a way to share that secret with someone and begin the journey toward healing. While all the stories are true, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

We (Jen and Megan) have included our own stories in these pages because we, too, are Secret Survivors! We know personally the destructive power secrets can hold over us. We know how secrets can kill the very lives we are intended to live. But we also know the freedom you find when you reveal your secret. Surviving a secret will make you feel empowered, alive, and courageous. It will make you believe in yourself again. Like the other people profiled in this book, weve found that sharing our secrets with a trusted, caring confidant was the beginning of the journey toward surviving.

Of course, the healing doesnt happen overnight. For most people, the struggle doesnt end the minute we find the courage to speak out. Healing takes time. Weve also found there are some who share their secret with someone, or even with lots of people, but still never move to any deeper level of hope and healing, because they just werent truly ready to walk the hard road to healing. But in most cases, sharing ones story can play a dynamic and life-changing role if the secret carrier is ready and willing. One thing is certain: Staying silent is never the answer.