Dave Carder - Anatomy of an Affair: How Affairs, Attractions, and Addictions Develop, and How to Guard Your Marriage Against Them

Humans arent perfect, and many stumble and fall. But Anatomy of an Affair is filled with loving, practical advice that reminds us that humans are willing and eager to reach back and help others avoid destructionfind their way around the landmines. It will help you avoid the danger of complacency and, even better, gives you the step-by-step path to protect your love, your marriage, your family, your dignity, and your integrity.

DIANE SOLLEE

Founder and Director, Smart Marriages

Ministering in a large church, I have seen where the similar interests and gifts that volunteers bring to service for Jesus often put spouses from different marriages on the same ministry team. These ministry friendships can easily become too personal over time, and Anatomy of an Affair addresses how to protect both the marriages and the ministry. As men and women interact more together at work, in the gym, in recreation, their childrens sports, etc., attractions often naturally surface that can highlight unmet needs in the individual. Rather than deny their existence, Anatomy of an Affair, drawing upon the difficult experiences of those who misused this attraction, provides direction on how to use these experiences to enrich your marriage.

BOB BAKER, MDiv., MFT

Director of Counseling Ministries, Saddleback Church

2008, 2017 by
DAVE CARDER

This is a revised edition of Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage by Dave Carder (2008). Some of the material in this book first appeared in Torn Asunder, Moody Publishers, 1992, 1995, 2008 by Dave Carder with Duncan Jaenicke and in Torn Asunder Workbook, Moody Publishers, 2001, 2008 by Dave Carder.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Charts may be reproduced for ease in completing the exercises and activities in this book. No further copying is authorized.

Names and details of some stories have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Edited by Connor Sterchi
Cover design: Erik M. Peterson
Interior design: Smartt Guys design
Cover image: copyright 2017 by Galyna_P/Shutterstock (96994943). All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8024-1673-5

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FORTY YEARS AGO I started listening to stories of unfaithfulness in marriage, and this book is about what those men and women have taught me. Most of the people Ive counseled in their recovery had thought they would be immune to betraying their spouse. At least they never married thinking that they would do that. Few realized they were even susceptible to falling into the arms of someone they werent married toor even thought it possible that they could come close!

Anatomy of an Affair is the result of years of listening to people who did just that. When I share what Ive learned with couples attempting to recover from an affair, the standard response is, I wish we had known this before

Well, now you can learn what they wish they had known before they experienced the heartache of an affair. You can recognize when you may be heading toward or having a close call and pull back before you cant stop yourself.

The material in this book will not only help you be more alert to potential marital disasterit will strengthen your marriage. The two of you will remember what you first saw in each other and why you decided to choose each other as marriage partners.

You and your spouse will discover what kind of person might fit each of your dangerous partner profiles, youll review your history as a couple, and youll learn to recognize the high-risk factors each of you bring to the table. You will find out how to recognize those high-risk seasons we all pass through and be vigilant in spotting how these times are affecting you.

Youll notice themes that recur in accounts from people who did fall into having extramarital affairs and greatly damagedor destroyedtheir marriage. Learn from them so you can avoid doing the same thing.

Finally, this book will also make you aware of how close you may have come to getting involved with another individual in the past. Youll learn that an affair needs certain components to thrive, and youll see how your close call didnt have all the components, and therefore did not result in an affair. That you even had a close call might startle you! Bad experiences are often created when people are not aware of their history. In this culture, more people than you might realize have close calls, and you might only recognize the close call for what it was when you look back on it. The better prepared you are, the better the outcome will be when the future relationship starts to develop an inappropriate level of attraction.

Some of you are already thinking, Im not sure I want to read this book. I understand. I am sure it sounds intimidating, but here is the encouragement: if you (or better yet, you and your spouse) tackle the material presented here

you will finish it feeling closer to each other than you have ever felt;

you will understand and bond with your spouse at an entirely new level that will support the two of you through all of your future adjustments;