Tim Higgs - Emotional Judo: Communication Skills to Handle Difficult Conversations and Boost Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Judo

COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO HANDLE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS & BOOST EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Tim Higgs

Octagonal Base Productions

Sydney

Published by

Octagonal Base Productions Pty Ltd

52 Alexandra Crescent

Bayview

NSW, Australia 2104

Email:

Copyright 2016-2018 Tim Higgs

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without prior written permission of the publishers of this book.

Cover Design: Ilian Georgiev

www.octagonalbase.com

To

Hal and Zahra,

you inspire me.

Acknowledgements

So many people have helped me get this book to print in all manner of ways, and I am very grateful to all of you.

Thanks to my family and friends for the love, support, and encouragement you have shown, especially my mum, Kayzee.

Thanks to those who have taught me my skillsets along the way; the lecturers, the program leaders, authors, managers, colleagues, and staff. And, of course, my clients past and present who have given me opportunity, experience, and great insight.

To those that sold me, endorsed me, and gave me the opportunities to create content and strut the classroom or stage, thank you.

Thank you to those who have helped me physically produce the book, Jill, Ilian, Anton, Beenish, Tom, Fee, Joy, Nina, and Cathy.

To the fantastic people I have met through SPS, especially my launch team. I am so grateful for your support and assistance in getting this book into the hands of the public; thank you so much.

Special mentions and thanks to: Laura, Mary, Sandy, Peter, Patti, Anya, Kay, Jane, Jo, Craig, Nicky, Dick, Noella, Michael, Lulu, Tom, Lione, Nancy, Stevo, Pete, Natalie, Stu, Tim, Kate, Rodd, Virginia, Nic, Keith, Rahul, Girish, Ali, Joe, Mike, Vic, Lise, Sheri, Kylie, Trudi, Scott and Blair.

Publishers often look for one of three backgrounds in a self-help author: they have been there themselves and found a way through it (demonstrator); they have qualifications or have done extensive research on the topic (discoverer); they have helped others through the issue they are writing on (deliverer).

Tim Higgs has quite an uncommon background of coming from all three areas.

Although he calls himself a Communication, Confidence, and Command Coach, Tim has a degree in business and a masters in narrative psychology. He has helped thousands of people conquer challenges in their lives, from the communication issues dealt with in this book, to relationship problems, anxiety, depression, and self-sabotage. Tim has also experienced many of those challenges, which was part of the reason he shifted the focus of his post-graduate studies and changed his career. It took him from sales and marketing professional to private clinical practice and working in a private hospital as a family therapist. In the past fifteen years, he has worked as a corporate facilitator and coach with leaders and managers in many blue-chip organizations in Australia and in Asia.

Tim lives on the Northern Beaches of Sydney, Australia.

The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.Daniel Goleman

Many years ago, in the early era of the internet, I booked my first flight online for a lovely holiday in Bali.

On arrival at the airport, I walked up to the check-in counter and handed the flight agent my ticket and passport.

She examined my documents and said, "You can't fly out today. You don't have six months on your passport."

Very shocked, I replied, "What? That's ridiculous; I've got four months left on my passport, and I'm only going for two weeks."

"Well, don't get angry with me. It's not my fault; it's the Indonesian governments."

Thats when I started to lose my cool. I felt like she didnt care about my situation. I said, "I'm not angry with you; I'm angry with the situation, but if you speak to me like that, I can get angry with you, too."

Neither of us was using Emotional Judo on that day. Our emotional reactions had us arguing with each other instead of working together. We were not doing anything to defuse the situation. Instead, we were behaving in a way that kept us focused on being right instead of collaborating to solve the problem.

Emotional Judo is a set of skills I developed years later. It came from studying what good communicators do and forming that into a memorable and usable system. These skills help people to communicate effectively when strong emotions arise. Instead of taking things personally and overreacting, the structured tools you will find in this book, will help you handle difficult conversations, even if others are being difficult too.

When topics are important, we can sometimes be triggered into uncomfortable, frustrating, and anxious responses. We might retaliate and lose our cool like I did at the airport. Others may cope by avoiding conflict and not speaking up at all. Hence, we may not stand up for ourselves to assert our views, needs, or boundaries.

We dont even have to have someone else trigger us to communicate in a way that creates tension. We may place ourselves into a dominant position because we enjoy it. We might feel more in control when others fear or revere us. To avoid rejection, we may also place ourselves in a submissive position because people may not like us if we have opposing views.

Humans are emotional beings. So, it is easy to fall hostage to our own emotions or to the feelings or whims of another.

As a result, we need to find a way to feel more comfortable in stating our points of view. At the same time, others need to feel comfortable, too, even if our stance or viewpoint is different from theirs.

Emotional Judo provides you with structure that helps you feel more confident and calm. The structure also allows the other to feel safe. You can then work together without the conflict and drama to find acceptable outcomes.

The tools are powerful, simple, and memorable.

You can use these tools in almost any situation where you talk to people. You could be at work, with your family and friends, or even with strangers.

When emotions run high, such critical skills, can help you move to the best outcome safely and as quickly possible. Your health, your sanity, and your relationships all benefit, as a result.

I am not proud of how I handled the situation that day at the airport.

In my defense, I was shocked and reacting to the anxiety that I had somehow made a mistake. I was afraid that I would have to pay for a new ticket, which I could not afford at the time. So, if it was my fault, I was worried my holiday was going to disappear completely.

I'm not sure what was going on in the life of the woman who waited on me that day. I do know she could have been much more effective had she had better training in dealing with upset customers. And, now I know I could have handled the situation better too had I known then what I know now about managing the emotional space between us.

She ended up transferring me to another staff member. He did know many of the positive skills that now make up Emotional Judo. He empathized with the difficulties of booking on line and my disappointment in not being able to fly out that day. He was then competent in fixing the problem.