Dana Elken Terrell - When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong: Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come (Emotional Maturity 101)

PRAISE for

When I Do Relationships So Right

How Do They Go So Wrong ?

Books on improving relationships abound but few have the depth of consistent wisdom that is found on the pages of this book. Dana Terrell has achieved this through her applied knowledge of Bowen theory. She has made this theory her own with her unique integration of EMDR. This makes for a valuable book for anyone who cares about their relationship healthand lets face it, there is no way to improved well-being without finding ways to do our relationships better.

Jenny Brown, PhD, author of the excellent self-help book based on Bowen theory: Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life's relationships

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From desensitization to discovery: merging two unlikely psychotherapies: Not only has Dana Terrell found the nexus that connects EMDR with Bowen family systems therapy, she offers a delicious rendering of both approaches along with poignant time capsules of her own life, enticing case examples, and relationship ouches as entre points into individual work. Bowen has been one of my inner guides since reading an anthology of his papers in my twenties. Thank you, Dana, for bringing him back to life for a new generation of psychotherapists and seekers of personal growth.

Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT

Making Hostile Words Harmless

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This book touched my heart and life on so many levels. Im glad Dana explained her view that panic comes from untreated PTSD. It was true for me. I suffered with panic attacks for years. No one understood that it was from months in a hospital so far from home in a ward with very handicapped children, in a body cast strapped in a bed.

I am so thankful Dana Terrell was courageous enough to study and apply these beautiful principles to herself and came to understand human fears, behaviors, and patterns in order to teach the world. Otherwise, she could have become very frozen like her dear mother.

I found the section on caregiving and care-receiving valuable. It is crucial for critically ill people to feel supported and loved. This is foundational to healing the immune system.

Ellen Tart-Jensen,

Health Is Your Birthright

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I give permission to include my Dads story in your book. What you are doing is very good. It will help a lot of people.

Ronald Medicine Crow, son of Chief Joe Medicine Crow

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Endorsement from a reader prior to publication: After reading your book, I woke up at 3 a.m. with many thoughts, one of which was that everything would be OK in my relationship with my 32-year old daughter. She never seemed to grow out of the teenage condescending attitude towards parents. Now that shes a surgical resident working 80+ hours a week, two things are working against us: one up/one down reciprocity (inherent in people with medical degrees?) and emotional-cutoff (due to her demanding schedule).

Yet I now have a sense that everything will be fine, remembering how deep our preteen connection was, and even have ideas on how to rekindle that. I cant tell you how astounding this is for me. I have a date to meet two friends as we are all troubled by our strained/estranged relationships with our adult children. I attribute my new hope to the Bowen material in this book.

Shared anonymously

Client Breakthroughs

Emily: Since my iBE work with you, I have joy! My husband hasnt seen joy in me for a long time!

Paul (in his 70s): I can see the changes happening in my daughter through her iBE therapy, so I feel you can help me, too.

Kyle: Ive made more progress with you in 3 months than in 20 years of talk therapy.

Jan: I just learned about I positions and used one with a sarcastic family member. Normally I wouldve let it bother me and avoided family events. Instead, I asked him to stop, gave him a reason, stood my ground, and like magic, there is no more issue. Seems like an easy thing, but not to someone who is used to just letting things be.

Sandra (seeing her overfunctioning pattern): The more I gave the more they took.

Find inner strength by calm, courageous, daily practice of your most beloved principles.

Your character will shine and light the generations to come.

Dana Elken Terrell

When I Do Relationships

SO RIGHT

How Do They Go

SO WRONG

Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come

Dana Elken Terrell

Copyright 2018 Dana Terrell, LCSW, EAC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and retrieval system without the authors written permission.

Written by: Dana Elken Terrell, LCSW, EAC (LCS 13773)

Published by Comprehensive Therapy Approach, Inc.

3537 Boundary Street, San Diego, CA 92104

619 283-5665

This book is accurate to the themes that universally affect humankind. But all names and identifying characteristics of individuals who have shared their stories have been changed, when requested, to protect their privacy.

Cover design: Michael James Canales

Interior graphics: Austin C. Donnell

Editors: Jan Tucker, Debbie Rosenblatt

Proofreader: Maggie Edwards

First edition: May 2018

ISBN:

paperback: 978-1-948711-01-2

hardcover: 978-1-948711-00-5

E-ISBN: 978-1-948711-02-9

Audiobook ISBN: 13:978-1-948711-03-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018901785

United States of America

Dedicated with love

To my dear, departed parents, Lucille Evanson Elken and Richard Guy Elken, for their noble examples of loving commitment to one another and to all they loved, for their positive outlook, doing their best and for Dads believing in me as a writer and encouraging me to write a book. I gave him one of the first drafts shortly before his passing in 2012.

And to my dear husband, David Loren Terrell (1951 to 2017), for his sweet love and joy, his commitment to the love and practice of high principles, and for finding countless ways to support my purpose: to serve the cause of greater emotional maturity. He called this our book.

David was a great believer in EMDR therapy and Bowen theory. He served at my June 2017 workshop as the emotional protection team member. When he introduced himself, he shared how many EMDR sessions he experienced. Thus, he set a great example that it is ok to get your needs met and heal. He overcame more significant difficulties (alcoholism, anxiety, and cancer) than anyone I know personally (Im not speaking clinically now).

I say he overcame cancer because he often said cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. He sincerely meant it. For one thing, he never knew how much he was loved till his diagnosis. In his last months, he was in a beautiful state of loving everyone and everything. For another thing, once he got on disability, he used his free time for spiritual effort and was filled with joy and bliss much of the time. So, it was a true statement. With his super positive attitude, he turned it into a total blessing.

When he introduced me at the workshop, he claimed I was a world famous EMDR therapist. Feeling embarrassed, I didnt want to contradict him, so I simply hinted at his bias by saying, he is my greatest fan. The group erupted in applause.

Introduction

Human beings are social creatures. We develop many relationships throughout our lives. These relationships are critically important for our survival. Our family, friends, and others in our social network sustain us through good times and bad. We need others in our lives to feel validated. Sometimes we need them to help us feel safe or simply to share our life experiences.