Alexandra Stoddard - The art of the possible: the path from perfectionism to balance and freedom

In memory of

my brother

ROBERT POWELL JOHNS, JR.

1945

Thank you for loving me

for fifty-three years.

Please continue to

watch over me.

Love, love,

Sandie

Dear Readers,

Whenever Id meet you on book tours you told me, I need this book badly, Alexandra. So many times Id hear stories of how youre trying to overcome perfectionist traits.

Each of us is trying to find greater meaning in our life. We find the path of perfection doesnt bring us freedom. Focusing on everything that is possible, however, is the way to seek and find joy, love, and happiness.

Many of you ask what was my favorite book to write. The book Im writing is always the most fun. The Art of the Possible is no exception. We all are struggling to do a good job with our lives. Ive met so many of you, and I know your character and values.

What each of us has to learn is to readjust our expectations to a more healthy, comfortable balance. The world not only wont break or melt down if we accumulatively feel more ease, more pleasure in all we do; together, we will be making a big difference in our society.

By making minor shifts in our attitudes and our willful standards, we will find everything eventually works itself out, maybe not exactly as we thought it would, but thats all right, too. To wake up in the morning and feel excited; to go to bed each night and feel reasonably content, this is possible when we get on the path from perfectionism to balance.

The glorious transformation comes from within when we are more accepting of our own humanity. When we become less self-critical, we will be more understanding of others. Habits, particularly old habits, are hard to change. But a warm heart is more important than a clean house. The outwardly perfect house could be one of denial. The controlling personality could actually be out of control inside.

Ask yourself some questions to get a better idea if you tend toward having perfectionist trait symptoms.

Do you have difficulty letting others help you, feeling you can do everything better?

Is neatness a priority over creativity?

If someone breaks something in your house, is your immediate reaction to let the person know how much you loved the object, forgetting it was an accident?

How upset do you get when you make a mistake? Are you overly hard on yourself?

Are you able to do your best and let go, regardless of the outcome?

What is your frustration level, day to day?

If youre not in the mood to wash the pots and pans, would you ever leave them soaking in the sink until morning?

When someone you love lets you down, do you ever admit that your expectations may have been unrealistically high?

Do you feel self-conscious that you are not good enough and, as a result, withhold love from someone for fear that he or she will discover youre human?

Do you feel guilty when you take time for a carefree moment when you are off limits, unavailable and having fun doing nothing?

Is all your playtime highly organized, scheduled well in advance and always an event?

Do you always find it difficult to leave work for later and take a break, in the office or at home?

Do you become irritated if you are a guest in a home where the overall neatness does not meet your high standards?

If you are not up to a social date, do you feel comfortable calling your friend and postponing, or do you feel the person is counting on you so much that you must go through with the motions?

Are you overly competitive in a sport, such as tennis or golf, to the extent that you dont enjoy playing unless you win?

Many of you tell me your spouse is a perfectionist with demanding expectations. Maybe you have a mother-in-law or a mother who tends in this direction, or perhaps you have a child who strives to be perfect. Possibly you have a boss or employees who needs to readjust the balance in their lives.

No one of us is spared the need to figure out and then work out ways to bring our inner self and our outer self in harmony with the possibilities available to us.

The way to have more perfect moments is to feel free inside your soul, free from guilt, free from compulsions, free from frustrations and unnecessary anguish. When we clear up the imperfections in our thinking, in our actions, and in our core, the possibilities are all around us, all the time.

By giving up being a perfectionist, we can feel joy in life as it unfolds to us.

I think I have earned some credentials along the way to write this book. Ive been a paid perfectionist for over thirty-five years. Im hired to help create perfect rooms in perfect houses and make clients perfectly happy. In my failure to reach my goal, oddly enough, I feel joy, love, and freedom.

Just being ourselves, whoever that is, is not only good enough, it might be the secret to the divinity within each of us. Here is where we lose our insecurity, and here is where we feel an acceptance, a balance that makes us intuitively know we are on our path, we are on our way.

Heres to more perfect moments. Heres to focusing on the possible. Heres to balance and freedom.

With affection, appreciation, and admiration,

Alexandra Stoddard

Stonington Village, Connecticut

Yield and overcome;

Bend and be straight;

Empty and be full;

Wear out and be new;

Have little and gain;

Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one

And set an example to all.

Not putting on a display,

They shine forth.

Not justifying themselves,

They are distinguished.

Not boasting,

They receive recognition.

Not bragging,

They never falter.

They do not quarrel,

So no one quarrels with them.

Therefore the ancients say,

Yield and overcome.

Is that an empty saying?

Be really whole,

And all things will come to you.

LAO-TZU

Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the earth.

DR. DEEPAK CHOPRA

A publisher once took me to lunch to ask me if I would write a book entitled How to Have a Perfect Day. I laughed and said, I could never write that book. Ive never had a perfect day. I dont believe its possible, even though Ive been a paid perfectionist for over thirty-five years.

Over the years, both in my personal and professional life, Ive come to see too many people destroy themselves because they demand of themselves and the rest of the world, perfection: Home must always be clean and tidy, children must always be happy, and everything must be in order, always. We can indeed have moments of perfection. When we do, they lift us up and delight us. But if the focus is perpetual perfection, there is no peace. With perfection, there is always more to be done because perfection is an illusion, and it always eludes us no matter how hard we try. Some people can do nothing for fear they will not do it perfectly. When we are under the rule of perfection, we can no longer choose what is in our own best interest, we can no longer direct our own actions.