Mark Miller - 500 Dates: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars

Foreword by Julie Spira

Skyhorse Publishing

Mark is a very good friend and brilliant writer. He is like a brother to me. At first, I wrote that he is like a sister to me, but he seemed upset by that, so I revised it.

Kevin Nealon, Cast member of Saturday Night Live and Weeds

Mark and I used to perform our stand-up acts at the same L.A. comedy clubs. Hed always tell me, Michael, one day youll be starring in a major, respected TV comedy show. And Id always tell him, Mark, one day youll write a book about 500 women turning you down.

Michael Richards, Cast member (Kramer) of Seinfeld

Having known how funny and insightful Mark is since our early days in the San Francisco comedy scene, it brings tremendous joy to my grateful heart that hes finally decided its safe to share this hilarious and helpful book with the world at large.

Kevin Pollak, Comedian, actor, writer

Ive appeared on hundreds of shows without making it big. Mark has dated hundreds of women without finding his soul mate. Its comforting to know Im not the only one with elusive dreams. Plus, I laughed a lot while reading his bookmuch like his women must have reacted when he brought up the subject of a second date. Your pain is our entertainment, Mark.

Fred Stoller, Actor, comedian, author of Maybe Well Have You Back: The Life of a Perennial TV Guest Star

This is the book I would have writtenif I had the stomach to date 500 guys and then reveal all about those experiences. Kudos, Mark, and thanks for saving me the trouble!

Annabelle Gurwitch, New York Times best-selling author of I See You Made an Effort: Compliments, Indignities, and Survival Stories from the Edge of 50

500 Dates is a godsend, because now when you get back from your own 500th date, youll have something exciting to look forward to. Yes, its a book and not a human, but its likely a lot more entertaining and fun to be with than your date was.

Lori Gottlieb, New York Times best-selling author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Mark Millers essays made me jealous that Im happily married and not dating. Not because I could get laid a lot, but because Id be writing funny essays like these.

Joel Stein, Time Magazine columnist

If theres only one single book everyone should read about dating, this isnt it. But this one is laugh out loud funny. I laughed my Yak-off!

Yakov Smirnoff, Comedian and professor of psychology at Missouri State University

Mark Miller was always funny, way back when we were writing for the great Jimmie Walker, and has continued to be. Now in the world of online dating he has done it again! Im sick of him being the funny one!

Louie Anderson, Comedian, actor, author, Family Feud TV host

Ive dated hundreds of frogs. And none of them was Mark Miller. Hes not only a Princebut a hilarious one at that. His book is a fun-filled bible of dating disasters, sure to make you laugh.

Marilyn Anderson, Dating, Flirting and Kissing Coach on TVs Extreme Makeover and author, NEVER KISS A FROG: A Girls Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp

Any guy whos had 500 dates must know what hes talking aboutor be in need of serious psychological care. Either way, youll enjoy Marks very funny and insightful book.

Robert S. Levinson, Bestselling author of The Evil Deeds We Do, Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers

I use humor to teach you how to speak successfully. Mark uses humor to teach you how to date successfully. Between the two of us, you can have a pretty humorous, romantic, outspoken life!

Judy Carter, Motivational humorist, communications expert, bestselling author of The Comedy Bible and The Message of You

As a publicist, Ive represented hundreds of major celebrities. Mark Miller has dated hundreds of women. Perhaps we should combine our talents and start a dating service for celebrities. Until then, enjoy his very funny book about the highs and lows of romance, specifically his, in the 21st century.

Michael Levine, Acclaimed Hollywood publicist, best-selling author, motivational speaker

Bravo, Mark Miller, for not giving up on love. 500 dates later and he still has the cock-eyed optimism of a hormone-infused teenager!

Marla Martenson, Professional Matchmaker/Certified Life/Dating Coach, author of Hearts on the Line

Some guys are funny on stage, some are funny on the page. Mark Miller is that rare breed whos funny on both. Why hes not making out like a bandit on the dating scene is beyond mebut thank God hes not or we wouldnt have this very entertaining account of whats going on out there!

Robert Masello, Author of What Do Men Want From Women?, Roberts Rules of Writing, The Romanov Cross, former columnist for Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Elle

I enjoy Mark Millers stories about dating so much I hope he never finds love.

Sam Greenspan, Author of 11 Points Guide to Hooking Up

Mark Millers anything-but-objective look at the dating scene is sweet, funny, and insightful.

David Misch, Screenwriter, teacher, and author of Funny: The Book: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Comedy

Copyright 2015 by Mark Miller

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 100 18.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Owen Corrigan

ISBN: 978-1-62914-466-5

Ebook ISBN 978-1-62914-848-9

Printed in the United States of America

To my mother and stepfather, Diane and Edward, for being the best mother and stepfather on the planet. Yes, in fact, I did research all the others and, as suspected, confirmed their standing. And a special thanks to my mother, a former high school English teacher and college English professor, for instilling in me a love of reading, writing, and words.

To my father, Stewart, who departed the planet way too soon, but whose long-term, loving relationship with my mother showed me what a committed, romantic relationship could beand inspired me to embark upon on a mere 500-date quest for it.

To my sister, Karen, the sweetest and most generous one in the family. Which I think is absolute proof she was adopted. But dont let her know; Im waiting til the right time to break it to her.

To my son, Joseph, who makes me proud of him every day and is already way smarter than Ill ever bea sure indication that genetic traits skip a generation.

To my daughter, Susie, who is so beautiful, both inside and out, that my friends and relatives demanded I take a paternity test.

To all my friends, ex-girlfriends, former dates, and ex-wife for making this book possible. Special gratitude and love for friendship and support above and beyond the call of duty to: Lauri Fraser, Barri Segal, Nira Beer, Barbara Miller, Miriam Gabay, Catherine Clinch, Richard Rossner, Rahla Kahn, Eileen Rosenbloom, Gail Langer Reznik, Melinda Benedek, Andrew Johnson, Terry Williams, Mel Sherer, Lyne Noella, Joan Becket, Leo Brereton, Andy Cowan, Rhonda Erlanger, Joan Reid, Marina Orebic, Katherine Lee, Steve Mittleman, M. K. Timme, and Melissa Wender.