Daniel J. Siegel - The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

One message we deliver over and over whenever we write about parenting is that you dont have to be perfect. Nobody is. Theres no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (Well pause while you let out a deep, relieved breath.) So raise a warm, left-in-the-minivan juice box to all of us imperfect parents out there.

At some level we all know this, but many of usespecially committed, thoughtful, intentional parentsconsistently fall prey to feelings of anxiety or inadequacy. We worry about our children and their safety, of course, but we also worry that were not being good enough in the way were raising them. We worry that our kids wont grow up to be responsible or resilient or relational or(fill in the blank). We worry about the times we let them down, or hurt them. We worry that were not giving them enough attention, or that were giving them too much attention. We even worry that we worry too much!

Weve written this book for all the imperfect parents who care deeply about their kids (as well as for imperfect grandparents and teachers and professionals and anyone else who cares for a child). We have one central message full of comfort and hope: When youre not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, dont worry. Theres one thing you can always do, and its the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesnt exist, just show up.

Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence. Provide it when youre meeting their needs; when youre expressing your love to them; when youre disciplining them; when youre laughing together; even when youre arguing with them. You dont have to be perfect. You dont have to read all the parenting bestsellers, or sign your kids up for all the right enrichment activities. You dont have to have a committed co-parent. You dont even have to know exactly what youre doing. Just show up.

Showing up means bringing your whole beingyour attention and awarenesswhen youre with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment. In many ways, there is no other time but nowthis present moment of timeand you are in charge of learning how to show up in ways that will both greatly empower you as a parent and promote resilience and strength in your child. Its this power of presence that enables us to create an empowered mind for our childreneven if we mess up on a regular basis.

Depending on your background and what kind of parents you had as a child, showing up for your own kids might come naturally. Or, you might find it difficult. You might even recognize at this moment that youre not showing up for your kids in a consistent way, either physically or emotionally. In the coming pages well discuss how, regardless of your own childhood experiences, you can beand continue to becomethe kind of parent you want to be.

Of course we all make better and worse decisions as parents, and there are all kinds of skills we can attain to help our children develop in optimal ways. But when you get right down to it, parenting is about simply being present for our kids. As well soon explain, the longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns outin terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career successis whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them. Across cultures around the globe, these studies reveal a universal finding about how we can parent well, if not flawlessly.