Daniel J. Siegel - No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Childs Developing Mind

All identifying details, including names, have been changed except for those pertaining to the authors family members. This book is not intended as a substitute for advice from a trained professional.

Copyright 2014 by Mind Your Brain, Inc., and Bryson Creative Productions, Inc.
Excerpt from The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., copyright 2011 by Mind Your Brain, Inc., and Bryson Creative Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Bantam Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

B ANTAM B OOKS and the H OUSE colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Siegel, Daniel J.
No-drama discipline : the whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your childs developing mind / Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
pages cm
ISBN 978-0-345-54804-7 (hardback) ISBN 978-0-345-54805-4 (ebook)1. Parenting.
2. Child development.3. Child rearing.I. Bryson, Tina Payne.II. Title.
HQ755.8.S5327 2014
649.1dc23
2014008270

Illustrations by Tuesday Mourning

www.bantamdell.com

Title-page illustration: iStock.com/Leontura

v3.1

To the youth of the world, our vital teachers (DJS)

For my parents: my first teachers and my first loves (TPB)

A cereal bowl gets thrown across the kitchen, splattering milk and Cheerios all over the wall.

The dog runs in from the backyard and has inexplicably been painted blue.

One of your kids threatens a younger sibling.

You get a call from the principals office for the third time this month.

What do you do?

Before you answer, we want to ask you to completely forget about everything you know about discipline. Forget what you think the word means, and forget what youve heard about how parents should respond when kids do something theyre not supposed to.

Instead, ask yourself a question: Are you open to at least thinking about a different approach to discipline? One that helps you achieve your immediate goals of getting your kids to do the right thing in the moment, as well as your longer-range goals of helping them become good people who are happy, successful, kind, responsible, and even self-disciplined?

If so, this book is for you.

Y ou are not alone.

If you feel at a loss when it comes to getting your kids to argue less or speak more respectfully if you cant figure out how to keep your toddler from climbing up to the top bunk, or get him to put on clothes before answering the front door if you feel frustrated having to utter the same phrase over and over again (Hurry! Youre going to be late for school!) or to engage in another battle over bedtime or homework or screen time if youve experienced any of these frustrations, you are not alone.

In fact, youre not even unusual. You know what you are? A parent. A human being, and a parent.

Its hard to figure out how to discipline our kids. It just is. All too often it goes like this: They do something they shouldnt do. We get mad. They get upset. Tears flow. (Sometimes the tears belong to the kids.)

Its exhausting. Its infuriating. All the drama, the yelling, the hurt feelings, the guilt, the heartache, the disconnection.

Do you ever find yourself asking, after an especially agonizing interaction with your kids, Cant I do better than this? Cant I handle myself better, and be a more effective parent? Cant I discipline in ways that calm the situation rather than create more chaos? You want the bad behavior to stop, but you want to respond in a way that values and enhances your relationship with your children. You want to build your relationship, not damage it. You want to create less drama, not more.

You can.

In fact, thats the central message of this book: You really can discipline in a way thats full of respect and nurturing, but that also maintains clear and consistent boundaries. In other words, you can do better. You can discipline in a way thats high on relationship, high on respect, and low on drama and conflictand in the process, you can foster development that builds good relationship skills and improves your childrens ability to make good decisions, think about others, and act in ways that prepare them for lifelong success and happiness.

Weve talked to thousands and thousands of parents all over the world, teaching them basics about the brain and how it affects their relationship with their kids, and weve seen how hungry parents are to learn to address childrens behavior in ways that are more respectful and more effective. Parents are tired of yelling so much, tired of seeing their kids get so upset, tired of their children continuing to misbehave. These parents know the kind of discipline they dont want to use, but they dont know what to do instead. They want to discipline in a kind and loving way, but they feel exhausted and overwhelmed when it comes to actually getting their kids to do what theyre supposed to do. They want discipline that works and that they feel good about.

In this book, well introduce you to what we call a No-Drama, Whole-Brain approach to discipline, offering principles and strategies that will remove most of the drama and high emotions that so typically characterize discipline. As a result, your life as a parent will be easier and your parenting will become more effective. More important, youll create connections in your childrens brains that build emotional and social skills that will serve them now and throughout their entire lifeall while strengthening your relationship with them. What we hope youll discover is that the moments when discipline is called for are actually some of the most important moments of parenting, times when we have the opportunity to shape our children most powerfully. When these challenges ariseand they willyoull be able to look at them not merely as dreaded discipline situations full of anger and frustration and drama, but as opportunities to connect with your children and redirect them toward behavior that better serves them and your whole family.

If you are an educator, therapist, or coach who is also responsible for the growth and well-being of children, you will find that these techniques work just as well for your students, patients and clients, or teams. Recent discoveries about the brain give us deep insights into the children we care for, what they need, and how to discipline them in ways that foster optimal development. Weve written this book for anyone who cares for a child and is interested in loving, scientifically informed, effective strategies to help children grow well. Well use the word parent throughout the book, but if youre a grandparent, a teacher, or some other significant person in the life of a child, this book is also for you. Our lives are more meaningful with collaboration, and this joining together can begin with the many adults who cooperate in the nurturing of a child in the earliest days of life onward. We hope all children have many caregivers in their lives who are intentional about how they interact with them and, when necessary, discipline them in ways that build skills and enhance their relationship.