Joey Green - Last-Minute Survival Secrets: 128 Ingenious Tips to Endure the Coming Apocalypse and Other Minor Inconveniences

The author has conducted all the survival secrets in this book and has made every reasonable effort to ensure that they are safe when conducted as instructed. However, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any liability for damages caused or injury sustained from conducting these survival secrets.

A responsible adult should supervise any young reader who conducts the survival secrets in this book to avoid potential danger or injury.

Copyright 2015 by Joey Green

All rights reserved

Published by Chicago Review Press Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN 978-1-61374-985-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Green, Joey.

Last-minute survival secrets : 128 ingenious tips to endure the coming apocalypse and other minor inconveniences / Joey Green.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-61374-985-2

1. SurvivalMiscellanea. 2. HandicraftMiscellanea. 3. Emergency managementMiscellanea. 4. Consumer goodsMiscellanea. I. Title.

GF86.G728 2014

613.69dc23

2014022852

Cover and interior design: Andrew Brozyna, AJB Design Inc.

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

For Laurie Abkemeier

I magine the situation. You fall off a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, or the ship unexpectedly smashes into an errant iceberg, gets hit by a tsunami and flips upside down, or capsizes after the drunken captain steers too close to shore and collides into underwater rocks. Unfortunately, you dont have a life vest. How do you make one while treading water?

While visiting Tahrir Square in Cairo, reoccupying Wall Street, or encountering the inevitable Martian invasion, you get a face full of tear gas, pepper spray, or heinous Martian vapor. Too bad you forgot your gas mask. What can you do besides cough and wheeze?

A massive hurricane knocks out the electricity for miles in every direction, making your electric stove and microwave oven useless. The torrential rain drenches all your firewood, and silly you forgot to fill the propane tank for the barbecue grill. How do you cook up some macaroni and cheese?

Fortunately, you can easily overcome any dire situationduring a natural disaster, terrorist attack, hostage crisis, or catastrophic emergencyby putting simple household items to use in unexpected ways. Yes, hundreds of quirky yet ingenious survival techniques are hidden in everyday household items.

In this book, youll discover an abundance of handy and unusual secrets to outsmart the unexpected, escape perilous situations, and circumvent life-threatening dilemmas. Youll learn how to think like a resourceful, problem-solving survivalist, triumphing over complex emergency situations on the spot with everyday materials, instead of relying on months of preparation and expensive equipment. Should all hell break loose in the wake of a major disaster or calamity, youll instinctively know how to make a radio antenna with a Slinky, revive a dead car battery with aspirin, and start a fire with potato chips.

Inside youll discover how to defend yourself against intruders with dishwashing liquid, improvise an alarm system with dental floss, and make a flame-throwing torch with deodorant. Youll find step-by-step instructions on how to use everyday products to construct the tools needed to escape harrowing situations and survive unforeseen cataclysmsusing ingenuity to transform common objects into rescue devices. Youll learn how to make a life vest with condoms, build a solar-powered cooker with aluminum foil, start a fire with steel wool and a battery, hide valuables in a tennis ball, fashion a sling with panty hose, and build an emergency lantern with baby oil and a tampon.

How did I discover all these offbeat survival secrets? Growing up in Florida, I lived through several hurricanes, stood in the eye of the storm, and experienced days without electricity. While backpacking around the world on our honeymoon, my wife and I fled the military occupation of La Paz, Bolivia. Shortly after we moved to Los Angeles, the 1994 Northridge earthquake ravaged our apartment. While visiting New York City on September 11, 2001, we witnessed the terrorist attack on the World Trade Towers and wound up stranded in the city for a week. To survive, Ive broken into my own locked suitcase with a ballpoint pen, filtered and purified puddle water with a bandana and iodine, treated dehydration with a disposable diaper, cooked food with a clothes iron, carried an emergency kit inside an Altoids tin, disinfected a wound with Listerine mouthwash, and splinted a broken leg with a pizza box and Bubble Wrap. You can too. All you need is the gumption to live by your wits. And perhaps a paper clip and a pair of panty hose.

By the way, if you ever find yourself in the midst of a third-world revolution or postapocalyptic hellhole, return to your hotel room, fill the bathtub with water, and then go to the hotel bar and buy all the bottles of liquor. The filled bathtub becomes your emergency water supply, and you can use the alcohol as an anesthetic, an antiseptic, fuel to start a fire, orshould the economy completely collapsethe new currency. Cheers!

You cant get cell phone reception. Your burglar alarm goes on the fritz. You desperately need a helmet. Fortunately, a slew of seemingly innocuous household itemsan empty soda can, a bag of potato chips, or a simple mop bucketcan be used to create an extensive arsenal of handy gadgets.

• Two condoms
• Two shoelaces (or 3-foot length of dental floss)

Unwrap the first condom, unroll it, place your lips against the opening, and inflate as if it were a balloon. When the condom reaches roughly 18 inches in diameter, tie a double knot in the free end.

Tie one end of a shoelace above the knot of the inflated condom and knot it securely several times.

Repeat with the second condom, fastening one end of the second shoelace to just above the knot.

Tie the free ends of the shoelaces together securely.

Holding one inflated condom in your left hand, guide the second condom under your left arm, around your back, and under your right arm. Position the inflated condoms at the height of your chest.

Enter the water slowly to prevent the inflated condoms from popping, or the dental floss from breaking. (If you can enter the water only by jumping, do not assemble the life vest until you are in the water.)

Once you are in the water with the life vest around your body, the water displacement created by the inflated condoms will keep you afloat. The condoms, made from sturdy latex, are surprisingly rugged and will not pop.

The US Coast Guard estimates that life jackets could have saved the lives of more than 80 percent of the people killed in boating accidents. Most boating accidents happen with terrifying speed on the water, giving individuals little time to reach for a stowed life jacket. Life jackets designed to keep your head above water can prevent you from drowning should you be knocked unconscious and overboard during a boating accident. A snug-fitting life vest can also help you survive in cold water, insulating your body and preventing hypothermia.

• To make an effective lifesaver (a buoyant device, not the candy), fill a clean, empty bleach jug with an inch of water, secure the cap in place, and tie a rope to the handle. Holding the free end of the rope, toss the jug to the drowning person. The water gives the jug just enough weight so you can toss the jug a significant distance.