Joey Green - Amazing Pet Cures

Hellbent on Insanity

The Gilligans Island Handbook

The Get Smart Handbook

The Partridge Family Album

Polish Your Furniture with Panty Hose

Hi Bob!

Selling Out

Paint Your House with Powdered Milk

Wash Your Hair with Whipped Cream

The Bubble Wrap Book

Joey Greens Encyclopedia of Offbeat Uses for Brand-Name Products

The Zen of Oz

The Warning Label Book

Monica Speaks

The Official Slinky Book

You Know Youve Reached Middle Age If...

The Mad Scientist Handbook

Clean Your Clothes with Cheez Whiz

The Road to Success Is Paved with Failure

Clean It! Fix It! Eat It!

Joey Greens Magic Brands

The Mad Scientist Handbook 2

Senior Moments

Jesus and Moses: The Parallel Sayings

Joey Greens Amazing Kitchen Cures

Jesus and Muhammad: The Parallel Sayings

Joey Greens Gardening Magic

How They Met

Joey Greens Incredible Country Store

Potato Radio, Dizzy Dice

Joey Greens Supermarket Spa

Weird Christmas

Contrary to Popular Belief

Marx & Lennon: The Parallel Sayings

Joey Greens Rainy Day Magic

The Jolly President

Champagne and Caviar Again?

Joey Greens Mealtime Magic

The Bathroom Professor: Philosophy on the Go

Famous Failures

Joey Greens Fit-It Magic

Too Old for MySpace, Too Young for Medicare

You Know You Need a Vacation If...

Sarah Palins Secret Diary

Joey Greens Cleaning Magic

For Doug and Suzy

One beautiful morning, I walked out the front door of our house to discover that a neighbors dog had left an unwanted present on our grassy swale, right next to our mailbox. So I took a Ziploc Storage Bag from the kitchen, turned it inside out, and put in on my hand like a glove. After picking up the bothersome mess on the lawn, I turned the plastic bag right-side out, sealed it shut, and put it in the trashpleased with my ingenuity.

The next day, I walked outside to check the mail only to discover not one but two unwanted presents sitting in the exact same spot as the day before. This time I left the evidence untouched and put up a sign that read, Please clean up after your dog. Three days later, the sign and the proof remained on the lawn. So I grabbed a large Ziploc Storage Bag, cleaned up the mess, and removed my ineffective signmuch less pleased with my ingenuity.

Realizing that I couldnt retrain this inconsiderate neighbor, I decided to retrain the dog. I took a canister of McCormick Ground (Cayenne) Red Pepper and peppered the swale where the dog had done his business. In fact, every other day for the next two weeks, I went out and peppered the grass to make sure the dog, with his acute sense of smell, got the message loud and clear. The dog never soiled in front of our house again. He had instinctively sought greener pastures.

Meanwhile, our family cat Einstein (named after someone famous, I cant remember who) started unrolling the toilet paper in our bathroom. At first we simply kept the bathroom doors shut, but Einstein (inspired by his namesake) figured out how to open the doors by leaping up at the handles. When I hung the toilet paper roll in the opposite direction so that the paper unwound from underneath, Einstein changed his strategy and began shredding the entire roll of toilet paper.

I refused to be outsmarted by a cat. Instead, I mischievously filled a Dixie Cup halfway with water and balanced it on the top of a full roll of toilet paper. When Einstein tried to use the new roll as a scratching post, an unexpected splash of water and the crash of a paper cup sent him darting across the house. He quickly ceased clawing our toilet paper and shifted his attention to our furniture. Not to be outdone, I filled a spray bottle with rubbing alcohol, added one-half teaspoon Country Time Lemonade drink mix, shook it up, and gently misted the sofas. Like all felines, Einstein hates the smell of lemon, and he has learned to keep his claws off the furniture. The side-benefit? Our house now smells lemon fresh.

When I told family and friends about my animal misadventures, they all suggested that I stop hoarding my knowledge and write a book to reveal all the miraculous ways to use the brand-name products you already have around the house to cope with your pets.

But I know nothing about animals, I insisted, until I realized that Ive spent my life surrounded by animals. Growing up, we had two aquariums filled with tropical fishuntil my father decided model trains were a less demanding hobby. We had a dog named Ruff (who was petrified of thunder) and a second dog named Smokey (who was petrified of Ruff). My grandmother had a parakeet that she taught to say, Gimme gelt, Harrythe world gelt being Yiddish for money and Harry being the name of my grandfather. When I got married, my wife came with a cat named Lionel, who once survived a fall from a five-story window, accumulated more frequent flier mileage than most people I know, and lived for twenty-one years. When we bought our house, the previous owners bestowed their rabbit upon us, and over the years weve taken care of bunnies named Bugs, Bugsly, Hopscotch, and Ernest. Our kids won a goldfish at a carnival, and, while carnival fish tend to die within a month, my wife managed to keep Rainbow alive for five years. I also happen to be related to a horse. My cousins owned the Triple Crown winner Affirmed, which I consider my greatest claim to fame.

And so, to help pet lovers everywhere, I decided to unearth and divulge all the incredible alternative uses for brand-name products kept secret from the American public. During my quest I made some remarkable discoveries. Downy Fabric Softener softens your pets fur coat. Arm & Hammer Baking Soda deodorizes a cat litter box. Tabasco Pepper Sauce prevents cats from scratching furniture. Leggs Sheer Energy Panty Hose double as a muzzle. Maxwell House Coffee stops cats from digging up houseplants. Huggies Baby Wipes clean a dogs dirty paws. Morton Salt kills fleas. Pam Cooking Spray silences a squeaky hamster wheel. But I had to know more. Who invented Milk-Bone dog biscuits? Where is Hartz Mountain? What the heck is catnip? And where can I buy Purina Loch Ness Monster Chow?

The result of my obsessive journey into the animal kingdom is a book thatIm proud to saycontains hundreds of unusual yet practical ways to take care of your dog, cat, bird, fish, gerbil, horse, or rabbit using brand-name products youd never expect, like Bounce, Dannon Yogurt, Listerine, Miracle Whip, Quaker Oats, and Vicks VapoRub. Sure, these tips might sound outlandish and absurd, but they really do work, and your pets will love you for your uncanny ingenuity. I hope these quirky hints help you shower your pets with love and care, so in return, youll be greeted with loyalty and affectionrather than the unwelcome gifts I found on my front lawn.