Joey Green - Last-Minute Kitchen Secrets: 128 Ingenious Tips

Copyright 2018 by Joey Green

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without the written permission of the publisher.

A responsible adult should supervise any young reader who conducts the kitchen secrets in this book to avoid potential dangers and injuries. The author has conducted every kitchen secret in this book and has made every reasonable effort to ensure that the kitchen secrets are safe when conducted as instructed. However, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any liability for damages caused or injury sustained from conducting the kitchen secrets in this book.

Published by Chicago Review Press Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN 978-0-912777-58-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Green, Joey, author.

Title: Last-minute kitchen secrets : 128 ingenious tips to survive lumpy gravy, wilted lettuce, crumbling cake, and other cooking disasters / Joey Green.

Description: Chicago, Illinois : Chicago Review Press, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017051837 (print) | LCCN 2017055906 (ebook) | ISBN 9780912777597 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9780912777603 (kindle) | ISBN 9780912777610 (epub) | ISBN 9780912777580 (trade paper)

Subjects: LCSH: CookingMiscellanea. | Quick and easy cookingMiscellanea.

Classification: LCC TX651 (ebook) | LCC TX651 .G74 2018 (print) | DDC 641.5dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017051837

Cover and interior design: Andrew Brozyna, AJB Design Inc.

Cover and interior layout: Jonathan Hahn

Cover and interior photos: Julia Green, Joey Green, and Debbie Green

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

I magine the situation. Youve invited family and friends over to your place for dinner. Youre slaving away in the kitchen. Youve timed everything perfectly. As youre setting the table, you suddenly smell something burning. You race back into the kitchen. Smoke rises from a saucepan on the stove. Its the gravy. Its no longer recognizable. How do you avert this horrid disaster? Can this meal be saved before the doorbell rings?

Cooking can be a madcap adventure, a series of exhilarating accomplishments, a nonstop banquet of incredible taste sensations. Or a cataclysmic fiasco.

We amateur chefs face a never-ending flood of seemingly insurmountable and unpredictable setbacks. A cut of beef shrinks to the size of a hockey puck. The mashed potatoes turn soggy and taste like wallpaper paste. A pot of overcooked beans morphs into sludge. A freshly baked cake gets hopelessly stuck in the pan, crumbling into chunks when you attempt to remove it. Baked-on food permanently bonds to a casserole dish. The refrigerator reeks of sour milk. And the sink is clogged.

Most kitchen mishaps seem catastrophic and overwhelming, but like John Lennon said, There are no problems, only solutions. Its just a matter of perspective. If youre willing to think outside the breadbox and embrace your inner master chef, youll discover ingenious solutions staring you straight in the face. You dont have to hurl those mushy vegetables in the trash, run out to the grocery store to buy a box of Hot Pockets, or scrap your plans and head for the nearest restaurant. You have several products in your kitchen right now that you can use to save the souffl.

Dont have a rolling pin? Use an aluminum baseball bat. Stubborn jar lid? Warm it with a blow-dryer. No cream cheese? Substitute yogurt. Need a salad spinner? Use a pillowcase. All out of sugar? Try pancake syrup. Onions bringing you to tears? Put on a swimming mask.

Preventing and salvaging any cooking disasters is as easy as pie, provided you know a few last-minute kitchen secrets to avoid burning the crust of that pie. In these pages, youll learn how to speed up a baked potato with a carpenters nail. Youll discover how to bread chicken croquettes with potato chips, how to strain fat from soup with lettuce, and how to make dough rise with a heating pad. Youll find out how to cover up a cracked cheesecake with sour cream, stop a baking pie from boiling over with pasta, and poach a fish with panty hose. Plus youll learn how to cook a salmon in a dishwasher, shrimp in the clothes dryer, and ramen noodles in a coffeemaker.

I hope this book gives you plenty of simple tricks, clever shortcuts, and innovative hacks to turn your cooking disasters into delightful surprises.

If not, you can always use this book as a meat mallet.

Bon apptit!

While getting ready to leave on a two-week vacation, I noticed an open jar of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. Afraid the mayonnaise wouldnt keep while we were gone, I placed the jar in the freezer.

When we returned home, my wife, Debbie, opened the freezer to find the mayonnaise jar filled with large white chunks floating in yellow oil. What did you do? she asked, holding up the jar.

I can fix it, I promised. I placed the jar on the countertop and let it thaw to room temperature. Then I shook the jar for a good five minutes to mix the emulsion back together.

But no matter how hard I shook that jar, the mayonnaise remained chunks of white curd in yellow oil. I even ran the mixture through the blenderbut to no avail. When Debbie left the house, I secretly drove to the grocery store, bought another jar of mayonnaise, and placed it in the refrigerator.

See, I told Debbie when she got home, holding up the jar. Good as new.

Nice try, she said. I saw you at the grocery store.

Hole puncher

Resealable plastic bag, gallon size

Fresh apples

Using a hole puncher, perforate a few holes in the resealable plastic bag.

Place the apples inside the plastic bag and seal the bag shut.

Store in the refrigerator or fruit bin.

If you see any apples going bad, remove the rotten apples from the bag before they contaminate the good fruit.

One bad apple really can spoil the whole bunch. The excessive ethylene gas produced by the bad apple triggers the healthy apples to rot. The holes in the plastic bag permit air movement while allowing the bag to retain the ethylene that hastens ripening.

If you dont have a plastic bag, store apples in the fruit bin in your refrigerator, but make sure they do not touch each otherto prevent bad apples from spoiling good apples.

Apples retain their freshness for at least two weeks and sometimes up to one month.

Rehydrate dried-out apples by cutting them into slices and soaking the pieces in a bowl of apple cider.

Airtight plastic container (or a resealable plastic bag)

1 or 2 slices of fresh white bread (or several marshmallows)