Stella Harris - Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

UNTANGLING COMMUNICATION IN SEX, KINK, AND RELATIONSHIPS

STELLA HARRIS

Copyright 2018 by Stella Harris.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Suite 3705, Jersey City, NJ 07302.

Printed in the United States

Cover design: Allyson Fields

Cover photograph: iStock

Text design: Frank Wiedemann

First Edition.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778-266-1

E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-267-8

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

IN A LOT OF WAYS, IVE BEEN REALLY LUCKY. IVE had amazing people in my lifemany who showed up at just the right timewho have helped me learn about sex, love, relationships, kink, communication, and more. As early as middle school, I was fascinated by sex, poring over the anatomy sections of the encyclopedia and dog-earing the pages where sex scenes happened in the paperbacks I was reading.

By late high school, when I started exploring with other people, I was incredibly lucky to find partners who were open-minded and contributed to my education. My first serious boyfriend gave me the books Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns and Bi Any Other Name , books that influenced my early education in kink and sexuality and showed me that I wasnt alone.

At seventeen I started attending local munches in West Hollywood, which were held in coffee shops and open to all ages, as well as local poly and bisexual meet-up groups. I was lucky that I lived in LA, and in such a big city there were meet-ups for everything. The people I met at those groups had a big influence on me, and some of them are still friends today.

The thing that really blew me away about these communities was how well everyone communicated. It quickly became clear that to do these activities well, and safely, good communication was a must.

Aside from liking the kinky sex and the open relationships, I felt at ease with these people because I knew I could trust them to say what they meant. That was the norm for me for so long that when I was finally out of school and in an office environment, I was utterly baffled by the complete lack of communication skills people demonstrated. People were passive-aggressive and manipulative. People didnt speak to each other directly but instead complained about coworkers behind their backs. It was unbearable.

After a decade behind a desk, I became a full-time sex educator and I was back among my peopleback in spaces where I knew people would speak up about their needs, not just in sexual situations, but in professional and interpersonal situations, too.

In the field of sex, kink, and relationships, Ive attended numerous conferences, classes, trainings, and seminars, and Ive read more books than I can possibly count. Ive had amazing friends and colleagues Ive learned from and workshopped ideas with. I know that Ive sponged up ideas from every partner Ive ever had, every class Ive taken, and every book Ive read.

As Ive worked on this book, the generosity of my friends has blown me away. Everyone has been willing to brainstorm, talk, share their stories, and give me encouragement. One friend even let me stick Post-It notes all over her house. And while I couldnt have done it without my whole community, I want to give special thanks to my coworking group, my mastermind group, and every friend, teacher, partner, and therapist Ive ever had. Communication skills cant be learned or practiced in a vacuum, and everyone Ive ever known has been essential to getting me where I am today.

INTRODUCTION

IN MY YEARS AS A SEX EDUCATOR AND COACH, the number one question and concern I hear is about communication (even when the people asking dont realize it). From not knowing how to bring up vulnerable topics to not having the language for the things they want to try to fearing that talking at all will ruin the mood.

I hear these things so much that all of my classesregardless of topicinclude segments on communication, and its a big part of all my private coaching sessions, too. Interested in bondage? Youve got to talk about it. Want to open your relationship? So much talking. Eager to try new kinds of sex? You guessed itthat requires a conversation.

Despite how vital communication is to our sexual health and well-being, most people have no idea how to talk about sex, or even bodies. The combination of a lack of factual information, combined with a shroud of shame, leaves many people paralyzed.

I got a stark lesson in just how uninformed people are about bodies when I was only thirteen years old. My sex-positive mother, who raised me with shame-free and factual information about sex and bodies, passed away, and I moved in with my paternal grandparents. The shame-free information came to a screeching halt.

When I got my period, it was no surprise, because, thankfully, Id been prepared for that by my mother. So I hopped on my bike, rode to the local drugstore, and got some tampons. Some time later my grandmother saw the tampons and had a fit. While some of her argument had a moralistic tone that I wasnt ready to refute at that age, her argument also had factual inaccuracies that I was ready to point out. She told me that using tampons would break my hymen.

So I used the tools that were available to me in the pre-Internet age, and I pulled out the encyclopedia, turned to the section with the layered transparency pages that showed genital anatomy, and I taught my grandmother about hymens.

That experience left a mark on me, and Ive never shaken what it feels like to be shamed for natural things that bodies do, or what its like to have to confront inaccurate information with your own hard-won knowledge.

These days talking and writing about sex and bodies is my full-time job. Ive gotten to a point where its not just easy, its second nature. But theres no chance Ill forget how scary it is for most people. I hear that every day from my students and clients. Its a guarantee that every time I teach a class someone will ask, But wont talking ruin the mood? My heart breaks for all the people suffering through mediocre sex in silence.

Doesnt bad sex ruin the mood all on its own? Whether its an oops in a kink scene or a sexual encounter gone sideways, I find it hard to believe mustering the courage for a conversation would be worse.

Sometimes I explain this. Sometimes I demonstrate dirty talk. Maybe its because Im a language nerd, but talking about what were going to do is one of my biggest turn-ons. When a partner whispers that hes been thinking how good it feels to have his fingers inside me, my pulse quickens. When a partner tells me she cant wait to try out a new toy on me, I tingle just thinking about it. Not only is anticipating whats going to happen part of the fun, but if I dont want thator I want something elseI have time to say so.