Chris Carlton - Nice To Meet Me

NICE TO MEET ME

One Mans Journey Through Therapy for Sexual Abuse to Meet the Boy He Left Behind

BY CHRIS CARLTON

MUGWUMP PUBLISHING

Copyright 2011 Chris Carlton

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold

or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,

please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If youre reading this book and did

not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to

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of this author

Cover Design by Studio Grafik

www.studiografik.com

ISBN 978-0-578-09840-1

This book is available in print at most online retailers, as well as on the website www.nicetomeetmebook.com

For my beautiful wife, Ellen, who I know will always be there to accept and love me for who I am.

Acknowledgements

A special thanks to my wonderful parents who, instead of turning away, chose to go through this very difficult journey with me.

For my siblings, and in-laws, who spent hours upon hours helping me move forward, riding the roller coaster, always there to talk and listen.

For Eva, while her body has failed her, her mind is still as brilliant as ever.

For my editor, Christie, and my cover artist and loyal friend, Ryan, at Studio Grafik.

For Lainie, Paul and Robbie, Dorothy, Greg and Karen, Jayne and Tom, Lynn and Angel, Shannon McK, Laura H, Jim and Janan, Ceil and Jay, Tony and Sue, Mike and Rebecca, Paige and Dave, EJ and Stever, Jean and Bill, Terry and Mike, Ryan and Kristin, Mark D., TSK(C), Chris and Caroline, Andy and Laura, Mike K. and family, Justin and Christine, Nick and Christina, Hansi and Tim, Marcia, Justin and Amy, Shannon M, Seth and Vicki, Brent and Megan, Patricia W., Steve S., Rob S., Rebecca G., Alex B., Andre L., Caroline H.G., Stef, Karina F.B., Jay C., Katie D.T., The best boss Ive ever had-Bryan and wife Maggie, Christi M., Amanda D., Christina S., Adie S., Dave and Jenny, Don W., Ethel T., Frances and Andy, Kate McK., Barbara E., Heidi D., Jane T., Jenny H., Jenny V.S., Jill R.K., The Donoghues, The Wylie's, The Cahman Family, Nancy D., Kelly and Shawn, KMR, Angela and Mike, Katie M., Laurie and Mark, Stuff and Megan, Miriam S., Mary C., Randy R., Robynn N.D., Tasha S.R., My online friends-JP, Felicia, Prozacblogger, Sue Ann J.L., Sharon, Patricia, SwordDanceWarrior, Cathe, Wendy Y., butterfly, Ercan, Gaby, Michael, c, Kathryn M., Daisy, Shawn, Jason, whatjulieslearned, Clara, life is terminal, Lori, traillius, Mountainous Buck and my other brothers at MaleSurvivor, Annie, L, and anyone else I have inadvertently missed. For my friends at 1in6.org who I continue to be proud to be associated with.

To all of you, your continued support and encouragement at such a difficult time made the difference. All I can say is thank you.

Before We Meet Me

Ever have one of those dreams where youre being chased? You are determined to outrun a predator that is gaining ground on you, but your legs feel like cinderblocks? No matter how hard you try, you cant seem to generate enough speed. The predator is going to catch you. Suddenly, you wake up, frightened, confused, then delighted once you realize that your legs couldnt propel you forward because you are laying safely in bed, dreaming. A deep sigh of relief. Its over now.

For one in four girls and one in six boys, this isnt a nightmare that they can awake from; it is a daily struggle to outrun a sexually abusive past. No matter how many hours they work, miles they run, beers they drink, pills they swallow, their traumatic past gains ground, year by year. But there is hope. With the right help and a steadfast dedication to recovery, these people can separate from the relentless predator of their past.

This book is about what it took me to stop being chased.

Im a survivor of sexual abuse. Seven years of incest, to be exact. It took me twenty years after the abuse ended to realize I needed help. Before calling a therapist, I looked long and hard for a book that would explain to me what therapy for sexual abuse would be like. Zero luck. So, I decided to live my life in a fishbowl by turning my recovery into an open book for others. I may not be trained to write about the psychology of sexual abuse, but I am qualified to write about what its like to recover from sexual abuse. Ill forever be a student of recovery, constantly working to gain ground on my past, but after the last several years of hard work, I feel more like an honor student.

This is an honest, often flawed walk with me, from when my trembling hand first opened the door to a therapists office, to when I finally noticed myself enjoying life againand all of the fear, the pain, the confusion, the laughter, and the tears in between. Its a seat on the couch next to me, where you can safely witness me step back in time and re-connect with the boy I left behind. Compared to other books about sexual abuse, my approach is less clinical, and more personal. Rather than explain the six phases of guilt someone goes through in recovery, Im going to take you through what it feels like to pick up the phone and call a therapist for the first time. Ill talk about my physical reactions to cognitive psychotherapy, or EMDR, and the black hole of loss that arrives when I first realize my childhood wasnt as perfect as I thought it was. Ill take you through my frustrations with an arrogant therapist, and how I found a therapist that was right for me. This book was written to relate to sexual abuse survivors and non-survivors alike. Regardless of our past, we can all benefit from hearing an unpolished reality, so Im going to show you mine.

This book started as a journal. I started writing just after my first therapy session in March 2010. It was an attempt to keep my mind clear and share my deepest, darkest emotions as I navigated my recovery from childhood sexual abuse. It was also therapeutic for me, as I posted much of this to the Internet on a blog and received tens of thousands of visitors offering support and encouragement. Often, all it took for me to keep going was the support of a family member or friend, or just a comment from an anonymous fellow survivor that read, Me too.

As you read, youll notice that I tend to make light of some things. This isnt because I dont take recovery or sexual abuse seriously. In my opinion, embracing a healthy sense of humor is vital for a sexual abuse survivor. Without my sense of humor, and throwing up my hands and laughing when times were tough, I dont imagine Id be functional right now.

Walking into a therapists office for the first time is a terrifying experience for anyone, especially when it requires sharing such a private, dark secret to someone you have never met. After narrowly clearing this hurdle, I go on to journal my next twenty-seven sessions over an eighteen-month period, some in more detail than others. I describe the emotions: the loss, the guilt, the pain, the shame, and eventually, the hope, empathy and admiration for a young boy.

Between weekly sessions, I write about whatever was going on in my mind. Sometimes I didnt want to write, but the act of sitting down alone in front of a computer allowed me to share the feelings I couldnt share verbally. I write about a broad range of topics, usually trying to make it relatable, hoping that survivors will understand what I am saying and that non-survivors can gain a better understanding of what a sexual abuse survivor must deal with.

At one point in the book, I decide to do some creative writing about how I am feeling at the time, another way to connect with those less familiar with sexual abuse. I title these short paragraphs I Am. I do this at four different stages over a one-year period. Its an abstract way to briefly describe my mindset using everyday situations and language.