Gasbarre Kristine - Raising Ryland: our story of parenting a transgender child with no strings attached

I t happened two years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday: in his Batman zip-up pajamas and with his chin quivering, five-year-old Ryland stood in the doorway of his bedroom. His face streamed with tears as he looked up at me, struggling to understand why hed been the kid chosen to walk such a difficult road.

Its amazing how one question can hold the power to change everything in your life. It was profound in its simplicity, and the most incredible part of it was the fact that it came from a toddler. But thats who Ryland is: the innocent, self-aware, strong, and compassionate child who has already educated millions of people about what it means to be transgender.

The moment when I knew we could not ignore Rylands journey had actually occurred the night before he asked me that question, after hed told me that he would wait for our family to die so he could cut his hair. To him, only being free of the very people who loved him most would make it possible for him to exist on the outside as the same person he was on the inside.

Its hard for most people to imagine that starting as young as age two, a child could feel so much anguish about being categorized as one gender when he identified with the other. As parents, its our job to guide our children into making healthy, wise decisions for their future; but few parents ever face the degree of challenges that weve experienced with Ryland. As devastated as we were to get the diagnosis that our child was deaf, just after his first birthday, no one could have prepared me for the news that this same child, my little Ryland, was also transgender.

But there was no fighting it. At two years old, Ryland underwent a procedure to receive cochlear implants that made it possible for him to hear. But almost as soon as he was able to hear our words and communicate with us verbally, he needed us to listen to the truth that he was trying to express: Im a boy, our child would tell us, even though Ryland had been assigned female at birth.

It grew impossible to try to talk him out of it. After much conflict, many sleepless nights, and stacks of books written by developmental psychologists, gender experts, and individuals who had made their own gender transitions, we knew that we had to allow our daughter to become our son.

This was our child, and we would love Ryland unconditionally, but our fears came from how the world would view our child. Wearing external devices on each ear that make it possible for the cochlear implants to do their job, Ryland was already visibly different... but as the reality of our childs gender identity grew clear, I didnt want Ryland to go through the pain of feeling different. As his mother, when I read the statistic that 41 percent of transgender people attempt to take their own lives by age twenty, I felt speechlessbut it ignited a certain empowerment in me. Prior to that, Id been lost, but now I had direction. I would not lose my child this way... even if that meant sacrificing my marriage to the man I lovedRylands father, Jeff.

Through it all, however, we remain together, and Rylands knowledge of who he is never wavers. This is part of what many people find so lovable and admirable about him.

Raising Ryland is our story of raising a child who lives with not one, but two factors that have threatened to make him an outcast in todays world. Primarily, this book chronicles our journey as a family with a child who has voluntarily stepped up before the public in an effort to bring understanding to the plight of the seven hundred thousand Americans, plus those unknown numbers of people, who are transgender like him. Our goal in writing this book is to let them know that they are not alonethat there is love here for them.

Were also eager to bring more understanding about this topic to all families, teachers, and individuals who are open and even interested to learn more about it. Were not here to single-handedly sway all of society to accept Ryland and the transgender population. Instead, were here as a mother and a father who are determined to do everything we can to create an environment where our child can grow up with the chance to cultivate the same self-love and confidence to which every child has the right when he or she is born.

This book is also the revelation of the private turmoil we have faced as the parents of a transgender child, the resistance weve encountered from some of our family, the overwhelming amount of love and support that pours in to us from friends and strangers, and our commitment to our mission to make the world a better, more loving place for both of our childrenRyland and his little sister, Brynley.

Denial is the most common way for parents of transgender children to deal with the signs we noticed early on... and most transgender children are not as fortunate as Ryland is. Having known what the book is about when you picked it up, readers might marvel at the irony that we encountered as we recalled some of the early events of Rylands lifebefore we were aware that on the inside, our child was a boy. Most transgender children dont have parents who accept them and embrace them for who they really are. For us, and for those children, its time to uncover the truth. There are many transgender children in this world who will become part of that terrifying statistic.

Ryland is one of the lucky few who can be himself. We wouldnt have it any other way.