Kelly Clinton - Freakin Fabulous Holidays

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Oh, I just freakin love the holidays! For me, this season is all about spending quality time with the people I loveand proving to them, once again, that I am a remarkably astonishing human being. I mean, not only can I dress well (and teach you how to make your butt look smaller), but Im also a master entertainer, an impressive cook, and a happy-go-lucky mixologist.

But this eBook isnt about ME. Its about how YOU can become me.

Oh, Im laughing so hard right now because we both know that will never happen. But you should try your hardest anyway. Ive carefully selected excerpts from my book FREAKIN FABULOUS to bring you FREAKIN FABULOUS HOLIDAYS, where youll find everything you need to execute a perfect holiday party so you can truly enjoy your family and friends company, their sparkling conversation, and their shiny chaos.

Merry, merry!

CK

In this section youll find important tips and tricks for throwing a successful seasonal shindig. But theres one tip I forgot to add: Whatever you do, keep the dog away from the clam dip. Not cute.

(Excerpted from FREAKIN' FABULOUS)

I n general, Id rather throw a party than attend a party, mostly because I really get off on people telling me what a fabulous host I am. Honestly, how could I tire of hearing over and over and over, Well, dont you look handsome... the hors doeuvres are delicious... the apartment looks gorgeous... how do you do it?

Its amazing that with the constant praise, Im as down-to-earth as I am.

I will admit that entertaining isnt always easy. However, to be a good host, you MUST foster the impression that, for you, entertaining requires less effort than picking up the phone to order some Kung Pao chicken. A frazzled host produces uneasy guests. And a host who talks about slaving away in the kitchen for three days prior to a party is a big ole bore. Believe me, your guests will be more relaxed, jovial, and engaging if you give them the impression you threw together a cocktail party for 50 people in half an hour. Nobody in their right mind would actually believe it, but the more effortless your attitude, the more comfortable and at home your guests will feel.

A successful party requires planning. You cant just invite a bunch of people over and hope for the best, as you may have done in college. You have to do some math. Yes, math. Here are some magic numbers to keep in mind when planning your next shindig:

People need about 4 to 5 feet of personal space during a cocktail party. So, if your unfurnished living room is 400 square feet, you can accommodate 80 to 100 people.

In general, about 80% of invited guests will RSVP in the affirmative. Of those people, 5% will flake out and not show up. So in general, for every 100 people you invite, plan on 75 attending.

Take it from me: Always hire a bartender for parties of 30 or more, otherwise you will spend the entire evening serving drinks. If your friends like the sauce as much as mine, hire a bartender for more than 20 people.

If youre not serving dinner, expect that each person will eat 10 appetizers over the course of the evening. If they know dinner is coming, your guests will eat about 6 each.

For a cocktail party, people consume about 2 drinks each for the first hour or so and then about 1 drink per hour after that (4 hours = 5 drinks per person).

You can get about 16 drinks out of your basic 750-ml bottle of liquor.

If youre primarily serving wine, figure about 1 bottle of wine per guest.

Figure about 1 quart mixer or nonalcoholic drink per person, which includes tonic, club soda, ginger ale, and sodas.

Youll need about 1 pound of ice cubes per person for an indoor party, and 2 pounds per person if its an outdoor party in warm weather.

GIMME THE KEYS

Dont be a schmuck. If one of your guests is drunk, do not let him or her drive home. A good host protects his friendsand himself from lawsuitsby inflating the air mattress when necessary. Sometimes when I throw a party, Ill invite a do-gooder acquaintance who doesnt drink. You know, the type that likes to save other people from themselves. This type comes in very handy as the impromptu designated driver, even if he or she is not necessarily the life of the party.

When throwing a party, you must sanitize and guest-proof your bathroom. If the bathroom that will be used by your guests is not absolutely spotless, you will quickly get a reputation as a dirty birdy. And then, nobody will eat the food youve made because theyre afraid of catching hepatitis.

You must also consider the contents of your medicine cabinet, because you cannot count on even your closest friends honoring your right to privacy. In fact, you should pretty much expect their curiosity to get the best of them, especially if youve been known to brag about how easily your doctor prescribes Xanax. In other words, hide the good stuff.

Knowing my friends propensity for snooping, I enjoy playing a little trick, which Ill pass on to you: Get yourself a couple of marbles and place them precariously in the medicine cabinet so that the first person who opens it gets a little surprise. That little boink-boink-boink off the counter and onto the tile floor is enough to embarrass the crap out of your nosiest guest.

OTHER BATHROOM ESSENTIALS

A SCENTED CANDLE. Just in caseGod forbidsomeone makes a doodie.

PAPER HAND TOWELS. Nobody wants to use the same terry-cloth towel as that guy who made a doodie.

HAND SOAP IN A PUMP. People dont like sharing bar soap.

A WASTE CAN, preferably with a foot-activated lid, so the used paper towels arent visible.

EXTRA TOILET PAPER. Put it under the sink so your guests can find it if necessary.

SPRAY CLEANER. Also leave this under the sink just in case you need to do a little mid-party tidying up, which you should be doing about every hour. Being seen carrying the Fantastik from the kitchen is just not fabulous.