Chung - The irresistible introvert: harness the power of quiet charisma in a loud world

Copyright 2016 by Michaela Chung

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Rain Saukas

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-0478-7

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-0479-4

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Introduction

W hy do you always disappear like that? my friend asked. I had no idea where you were.

By fifteen, I had been wandering off for as long as I could remember. To me, it was as natural as daydreaming. Now my friend was telling me that she had noticed my disappearing acts, and it bothered her. My invisibility cloak wasnt working as well as I thought it was. What else had others noticed about me that wasnt to their liking?

I already sensed that I was different, but it wasnt until high school that people began to comment on it. Youre really quiet, they said. Whats wrong? Usually nothing was wrong; I was happily fantasizing, or observing. After a while, though, I began to think that they were right. Maybe there was something inherently wrong with me. I would later learn that about one-third to one-half of the worlds population feels just as flawed and misunderstood as I was. But well get to that later.

There was something else about my teenage years that I think I should mention. After the awkward puberty years passed, there was a certain comment I received even more often than youre quiet. Once again, my invisibility cloak was failing and people were eager to tell me their observations about me. This time, what they had to say was more complimentary. People were telling me I was beautiful by the time I entered high school. I had a pretty face, good hair, nice eyesgreat! According to the popular shows at the time ( Dawsons Creek ; Party of Five ; Beverly Hills, 90210 ), being beautiful was the ultimate VIP pass. It got you into the cool crowd and made boys like you. More importantly, it gave you something to work with. Beauty was a winning hand to play when love and acceptance were on the table. However, when I still felt like an outsider among my peers despite my outward beauty, I was left to wonder: Do I have an ugly personality?

Our culture is great at reinforcing the idea that an introverted personality is unattractive. Introversion has long been depicted as the ugly little sister of extroversion. To extroverts are attributed all the attractive qualities: charisma, friendliness, confidence. Meanwhile, introverts get the tattered hand-me-downs. We are labeled as withdrawn, antisocial, and depressed. A while ago I received an email from an introverted man from Switzerland named Claude. The story he shared sounded all too familiar:

Yesterday, I started an English course. The first lesson was about finding the real you. We had to match character adjectives with meanings 1-10. I had matched introversion with self-reliant and gave it a positive meaning. No, said our teacher. Introversion matches to withdrawn and is generally seen as negative. And extroversion is seen as positive. BAAH. It made me furious. Immediately felt that feeling of something is wrong with me again.

Stories like Claudes are quite common. With all the misconceptions about us, you would think that introverts are a small and freakish minority. As alluded to earlier, introverts make up roughly one-half to one-third of the worlds population. Yet, the qualities that are as natural to us as breathingthe very same qualities that we share with millions of other introverts across the globemake us feel defective. Just like me, many introverts come to believe that there is something wrong with them. I have received countless messages from introverts who say that they felt a sense of vindication after discovering their introversion. Somehow, learning that they are not the only ones who are quiet and inwardly inclined made them feel like it was finally okay to be who they were. They breathed a sigh of relief knowing that they were not strange or defective. They were simply introverts.

The most basic definition of an introvert is someone who gains energy by turning inward and loses energy in stimulating environments. Introverts are more easily overstimulated than extroverts. This is why we tend to enjoy contemplative, quiet activities. Meanwhile, extroverts prefer to direct their energies outward. They require more stimulation to feel good. This leads them to seek out busier environments that give them a buzz. Extroverts also tend to be risk-takers, while introverts are often risk-averse. In addition to our inward orientation, we introverts share several other qualities, preferences, and quirks.

Some introverted traits seem to be ingrained. Others are a result of the culture we live in. For example, many introverts have learned to cope with constant over stimulation by putting up a wall. This leads people to believe that introverts are cold or standoffish, but this is not our true nature.

The innate qualities that most introverts share are a love of introspection, a need for solitude, and a slower, more focused communication style.

Love of Introspection

Introspection is a favorite pastime for introverts. We love to explore the colorful landscapes of our imagination. Many of us have been criticized for our wandering minds. Weve been told to get our head out of the clouds and stop daydreaming. What people dont understand is that there is a good reason for our inwardly focused ways. The outside world often feels like an assaulting force for introverts. At every turn there are energy vampires threatening to suck us dry. Turning inward is as much a means of survival as it is a source of comfort. Our love of introspection also brings meaning and direction to our life.

The Need for Solitude

An introverts desire for solitude is more than just a preference. It is crucial to our health and happiness. We need time alone to restore ourselves. Introverts are pressured to push ourselves to the point of exhaustion in social situationsthen we feel guilty for becoming irritable and grouchy. We blame ourselves for not being able to be on all the time. But when we give ourselves permission to seek the solitude we crave, life becomes lighter. Social situations are more bearable. Even annoying small talk is easier to endure when weve fortified ourselves with solitude.

A Different Approach to Communication

Introverts are known for being quiet. This can feel like a liability in the noisy world we live in. While extroverts are verbal processors, who speak as they think, introverts need to think before we speak. This leads to a slower, more thoughtful communication style that involves fewer words and longer pauses. We prefer to explore topics more in-depth, instead of flitting from subject to subject as many extroverts do. If the conversation doesnt interest us, we often go quiet and retreat into the wonderland that is our imagination. We find endless entertainment in our ideas and fantasies.