Sophia Dembling - The Introverts Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World

The Introverts Way

Living a Quiet Life
in a Noisy World

Sophia Dembling

A PERIGEE BOOK

Quiet Riot

M ild though we may be, it also turns out that introverts are kind of a pissed-off bunch.

I know this because Ive seen them online, talking about introversion, relieved to find other people who truly understand, and happy for the opportunity to let their pressure cookers blow. And boy, do they have some steam to let out.

Many introverts have internalized societys message that their way of being is wrong and that extroversion is better. Some have all but given up the fight and let friends and family rearrange them into some semblance of extrovert, however awkward it feels. But when they find other introverts online confirming the validity of their ways, they are first relieved. And then, they get mad.

Ive seen introverts accuse extroverts of being shallow and stupid. One reader wrote that she refuses to feel badly when Im called antisocial or not outgoing enough or when I refuse to go to a stupid wedding or dull cocktail party... My friends and I call this phenomenon the tyranny of the extroverts.

I realize that we are a minority in American culture, but why are we the ones who always have to explain ourselves? wrote another. (Actually, recent research shows that introverts are not a minoritywere about 50 percent of the population.)

And another complained, Why is it that when an introvert causes a crime he/she is portrayed as a loner, as if that was a terrible thing to be and something to watch out for. If an extrovert commits a crime, they dont say: Yes, he/she seemed to be a nice neighbor; but, in hindsight, I thought it was strange that he/she was always talking to someone and always seemed to around other people!

Yet another wrote, I think being called emotionless by my sisters as a child has been one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. Because of my extreme introversion I often appear very calm and disinterested on the outside, even though inside I am often a seething mass of emotion and very interested in whats going on.

With all this frustration and misunderstanding, is it any wonder that we feel like kicking some ass now and then? Ive been tempted to pop people in the kisser from time to time when theyve gotten all up in my face, trying to drag me out of my shell. They mean well, Im sure, but I like it in my shell. And if they cant take a pleasant No, thanks or Im fine for an answer, then they may not get to enjoy my friendly side.

Of course, extroverts pop up now and then among the online introverts and complain about the hostility theyre seeing toward their type. I understand that, too. Who knew that being peppy and friendly and trying to persuade others to get up and boogie in the big party of life could kindle such ire? I try to reassure extroverts that this is something we all just need to get out of our systems. And we do.

And thats fine. A little griping among like souls is cathartic. Were a group thats been kind of beaten down and we need the bravado anger provides before we can settle into quiet confidence. Besides, you cant change what you cant identify, and in venting our spleen we can start pinpointing exactly what makes us feel diminished, bullied, unappreciated, or just plain exhausted. And once we know where and how things feel wrong, we can start righting them in our own minds and in the perceptions of others.

Ive been thinking about introversion long enough now that Im not terribly angry anymore. At the same time, Im not above correcting people in no uncertain terms when they try to foist their ideas of introversion on methe shy/anxious or people-hating/misanthropic ideas. No, sirree, thats not me and Im not taking it anymore.

I dont think anyone has to worry about a bloody uprising of introverts. Thats not our style. Its too loud. But theres nothing wrong with letting the world know that were onto this whole extrovert-bias thing. And were not staying silent about it anymore. Quiet, maybe. But not silent.

Just Intense Enough

E ver been accused of being too intense? Yeah, me, too. Ive also been accused of being scary or intimidating. It kinda hurts my feelings.

Part of the reason for this is because introverts are not random smilers. Our default expression tends to be serious and opaque. Of course, smiles are opaque in their own way, but they are the socially preferred mask. Impassive faces are off-putting.

But our real intensity is usually on display in our conversations, and it can knock extroverts on their asses when we unleash it. Were the people who might actually tell the truth when asked, How are you? Our questions are not idle, and they require thought and focus. We are inclined toward conversations that require extended eye contact and we like to go deep, sometimes into intense territory.

Some people like that and will plunge into the deep with you right away. Other people back away slowly. Or they flee. You know how that goessuddenly they see someone across the room and with a wave and a hurried apology, theyre gone. Thats one way of knowing you were a little too intense.

But whats so bad about intense? So what if we like to express deep thoughts? So what if we think them?

Well, for one thing, rumination has been shown over and over to be a good way to feel lousy, and introverts are nothing if not ruminators. At the very least, were thinkers, and its a fine line between thinking and ruminating. Elaine Aron points out that sensitive peoples awareness of subtleties and deep processing of information doesnt always work for us. We might go to the doctor with such detailed descriptions of our problems, she wrote, that we sound more like hypochondriacs than people with a legitimate problem. We may take news stories of gloom, doom, and disaster too much to heart. And, she says, because were so sensitive ourselves to harsh comments, and because criticism can wound us deeply, we couch things in terms so gentle when speaking to others, they might not take us seriously.

Yeah, okay. People do have to say, I was just kidding, to me a lot. Ive been accused my whole life of being too sensitive. This actually kind of pisses me off, but maybe thats just because Im too sensitive.

Our intensity is one reason pointless prattle can be intolerable to us. I absolutely hate listening to superficial small talk and avoid it whenever possible, one introvert seethed. Yes, I am judgmental about it. That can make social situations stressful, to say the least.

But heres where theres some good news. At least one study finds that substantive conversation does more for our well-being than chatter. In this study, researchers found that the happiest people spent less time alone and more time talking than less-happy people, and they had more than twice as many substantive conversations and one-third as much small talk as the unhappiest people. And thats across the board. Even grumpy, pessimistic people were happier with substantive conversation.

Of course, we dont know if deep conversations cause greater happiness or if happiness causes more deep conversations. Its possible that the cheerier you are the more conversations you attract. Which brings us back around to not smiling and looking intimidating.

But we can live with that. We might not go around with talk-to-me smiles, and we tend to be reserved in large groups, but when we feel comfortable in a small group or one-on-one, we can get plenty of that good-for-you conversation, and we have plenty to say. Sometimes, if truth be told, a little too much. If our intensity tends toward self-disclosure, we can have some pretty awkward getting-to-know-you conversations. Passionate monologues on esoteric subjects also dont work very well, although being intense about ideas is a generally preferable to being intense about what cheese does to your digestion or how your mother almost ruined your life.