Haines - Abused: surviving sexual assault and a toxic gymnastics culture

Abused

Abused

Surviving Sexual Assault and a Toxic Gymnastics Culture

Rachel Haines

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham Boulder New York London

Published by Rowman & Littlefield

An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

www.rowman.com

6 Tinworth Street, London SE11 5AL

Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK

Copyright 2019 by The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

All rights reserved . No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Haines, Rachel (Gymnast), author.

Title: Abused : surviving sexual assault and a toxic gymnastics culture / Rachel Haines.

Description: Lanham, Maryland : Rowman & Littlefield, [2019] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018041560 (print) | LCCN 2019001066 (ebook) | ISBN 9781538123867 (electronic) | ISBN 9781538123850 (cloth : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Haines, Rachel. | GymnastsUnited StatesBiography. | Women gymnastsUnited StatesBiography. | Rape victimsUnited StatesBiography. | Sexual abuse victimsUnited StatesBiography. | GymnasticsSocial aspectsUnited States. | GymnasticsCorrupt practicesUnited States. | GymnasticsMoral and ethical aspectsUnited States.

Classification: LCC GV460.2.H35 (ebook) | LCC GV460.2.H35 A3 2019 (print) | DDC 796.44092 [B] dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018041560

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

Readers Note

Reader discretion is advised. My story contains vulnerable, personal, and explicit descriptions of my experiences as a gymnast. This includes multiple illustrations and depictions of my interactions with US gymnastics team doctor and convicted serial child molester Larry Nassar and Olympic US gymnastics coach John Geddert.

A plea: Please do not assume my experiences were the same as anyone elses accounts. Though there are hundreds of other survivors, my story is only mine, and I did not write this book to explain the accounts of others.

As a survivor, I wholeheartedly believe everyone has a voice that deserves to be heard. Everyones experiences matter equally and should be equally trusted and believed.

This story is mine, and mine alone. I am Survivor 195.

Letter to My Future Daughter

Dear Daughter,

I know one day youll hold this book in your small, sweet hands. Youll read these words Ive painfully strung together, and youll know how I feel about you doing gymnastics. Youll read what I went through, and youll know every detail, and it will hurt. Youll understand my fear of the gymnastics culture and my passionate desire to protect you from what I experienced. Youll read clear and haunting descriptions of what your mom went through, and I will hate it. I will hate having you imagine what my experiences were, and I will dread the fire in you that wants to be a gymnast yourself.

But dont let it stop you.

I will always fuel the fire that burns in your heart to do what you love. I will never push you to do anything, and I will not stop you from trying anything and everything that you want to try. If gymnastics ends up on that list, its okay. I will bring you to every practice and sit at every meet, embracing every second I get to watch you do what you love. I will feel joy watching your passion radiate through your sport. I promise to always and forever be your number one fan no matter what your heart leads you to do. Actress, bookworm, painter, musician, or gymnast, I promise I will be your loudest cheerleader. In the crowd. On the sidelines. Next to you.

I also promise to protect you with everything I have and every inch of my being. I will guard you with every ounce of strength in me from what I know the sport could do to you. I will build you up, I will pay attention, I will support you, I will listen. I will watch for warning signs, and I will fight for you. Just like my parents were for me, I will be your guardian.

Gymnast or not, I promise to help you become the strong and independent woman I know you can and will be.

Prologue

I am getting to the stage in my life where people frequently ask, Will you let your daughter do gymnastics? And I have a hard time answering. I struggle to imagine my little girl being thrown into the sport that, at points, tore me to pieces. I flash back to those dreadful days in the gym that brought me so much fear and anxiety. I remember those experiences with skills, coaches, meets, and trainers that still appear in my nightmares today. Each time I cautiously answer that question with, She can do gymnastics if she chooses to do so. But if I were completely honest, my answer would be, I will never put my daughter in gymnastics.

From the outside in, the sport looks to be the optimal choice for athletic development. At a young age, it teaches you balance, body awareness, how to safely fall, and coordination. As you progress and grow through the sport, it teaches you perseverance, coachability, and courage. It strengthens you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Young children always appear to be at the peak of happiness as they jump into the foam pits, bounce off of the football fieldsized trampolines, and swing from the ropes. It looks fun, teaches valuable life skills, and builds character. It checks all the boxes.

Which is every parents dream, right?

Only those who endure gymnastics through their childhood and teenage years see the sports true colors. As youre growing and developing, if you chose gymnastics, you are signing yourself up to be completely dedicated and focused on the sport, especially if you intend to be a college athlete or an Olympian. Your life revolves around gymnastics. No football games, no school dances, no sleepovers at your friends houses. The way you live, eat, and sleep is dependent on the demands of your practices. How can you be out late at a friends house on Friday night when you have a five-hour workout at 8:00 a.m. the next day?

The answer is: You cant.

Not only is gymnastics physically demanding, it also changes your mental development. I did not recognize the full effect gymnastics had on me until I was more than a year retired from it. I learned how being constantly compared to perfection had a toll on my confidence. My life revolved around striving for that perfect 10.0, and now my lifestyle outside of the sport reaches for it too. I saw how living in a leotard created an unhealthy expectation for my body image. I started comparing myself at a young age to other gymnasts, thinking their bodies looked better in leotards than mine did, and thinking that some gymnasts scored higher because they were skinnier. As a middle schooler, I was only wearing leotards that made me feel small, ones that were just a little baggy and dark colored. I was also trained to think that power and authority trumped comfort and morals. I was surrounded by figures who used intimidation as a method of control, figures who would use that intimidation to abuse me.