Merrill Mark - Lists to Love by for Busy Husbands: Simple Steps to the Marriage You Want

Before I married Susan, there were many things that attracted me to her. Two of those were her creativity and playfulness. She was very different from me. I was more disciplined and executed well on tasks. In many ways we are opposites. Before marriage opposites attract; however, many times after marriage, opposites attack. The things that once were cute and alluring can become the things that drive you the craziest.

Unfortunately, in my younger years, I thought pretty highly of myself. Early on in our marriage, I thought so much of myself that I thought Susan should be more like me. I wouldnt say that out loud, but I thought things like, If Susan was more organized and disciplined like me, then she would be able to keep the house cleaner. Or, I wish Susan just got things done that I want done when I want them done. I mean, when I commit to do something for her, Im on it and check it off the list. I became more and more critical of her.

Susan:In my mind Mark was like an ice cream shop. It seemed like every week there was something he wanted me to work on or change about myself. I called it the flavor of the week because it was always different from last week but equally important. Im a people pleaser, so I constantly felt as though I wasnt doing anything right. It was really hard for me to produce every flavor he wanted. I began to doubt myself, and my confidence was failing for the first time in my people-pleasing, overachieving life. After consistently being criticized I started to change and become more serious. I started to become more like Mark.

Since I thought Susan should think and act more like me, I didnt think about the incredible gifts of creativity and relational skills that Susan had. I didnt celebrate the unique strengths that make Susan, Susan. When she ultimately became more like me, I was surprised to find that I didnt like it. I missed her. The last thing we needed was two of the same person. We make a much more powerful team when our unique gifts are brought together. We are much more complete. I dont need Susan to change. I need to love her for who she is. That has been the lifes work of our marriage. It is learning how to love one another well.

The road has been long and challenging, but also good and full of joy. Susan would tell you that I am a different husband today than in those early days of marriage. Dont get me wrongI am still a work in progress today and will continue to be, but I have become much better at loving my wife. Any improvement that has been made began with a decision. Most people in the world believe that love is a feeling. That may be partially true, but its also a decision. Because I loved my wife I made a decision to change and, perhaps more important, show that change through my actions, attitudes, and words. The transformation has come little by little. Every day I attempt to take another step toward a better marriage. Unconditional love calls us to sacrifice and give selflessly whether or not we get anything in return. As a husband, that is what I am committed to living out.

But its hard. Really hard. I continue to fall down and get up and try again the next day. Our fast-paced lives of schedules, obligations, technology, and financial burdens make loving each other well even more complicated. Thats why we have broken down what we have learned into the lists in this book. No matter how busy you are, using it will help you love your wife well. Each day it will help you take the steps to love her more deeply when you feel like it and when you dont; when the love in your marriage is a two-way street and when its a one-way street.

How do we know that these lists are vehicles to carry love into a marriage? For over two decades weve been writing and sharing marriage content. Our posts have received tens of millions of page views during that time.

A careful analysis of our Google Analytics reports, combined with our experiences over these years, tell us that there is a recurring theme with most of our high-ranking marriage posts. Each post addresses one or all of the following common denominators: expectations, evaluation, or improvements. People are searching for ways to manage their expectations, evaluate how they are doing, and improve their marriage. The lists in this book will help you to do that conveniently and consistently. You are going to be tasked with understanding your expectations and how they have affected your marriage. Second, you will be asked to evaluate yourself and your marriage. Third, youll be challenged to make improvements, however small or large, with each list.

We all bring expectations into marriage and develop expectations during the marriage. Our personalities, upbringing, experiences, and influences all shape those expectations. I had many expectations for Susan and myself that needed to change.

And that is the goalto change the expectations that need to change. To do that we will have to answer some great questions. The big question is: What do I expect? Other questions include: Are my expectations realistic? Are they fair? What should I expect of myself in marriage? What should I expect of my wife?

In his book Leadership Is an Art, former CEO Max De Pree says that the first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. We need to stop and measure ourselves. We need to take the time to assess the track we are on before it becomes a runaway train. How are we doing as a couple, relationally? Thats one question you need to answer, but you also need to have a clear understanding of how your wife feels about your relationship. Does she feel connected, loved, and supported?

Most of the time, couples measure themselves against a very subjective standard: other people and other couples. Its called comparison. The problem with doing so is that others are always an unknown target. We never know whats really going on behind the closed curtains of their lives, and we dont know whether they are even pursuing a true standard. Thus, couples need an objective standard to measure against. One that is always true. God is truth and His revealed, God-breathed Word is completely true. In our lists to love by we always strive to communicate Gods precepts and principles for marriage. When people evaluate against Gods standards, either their existing expectations will be reinforced or negated, or a new expectation will be created.