Mock - Redefining realness: my path to womanhood, identity, love & so much more

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Copyright 2014 by Janet Mock

Poem on

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First Atria Books hardcover edition February 2014

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Interior design by Jill Putorti

Jacket design by John Vairo

Jacket photograph by Aaron Tredwell

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Mock, Janet.

Redefining realness : my path to womanhood, identity, love & so much more/ by Janet Mock. First Atria Books hardcover edition.

pagescm

1.Mock, Janet.2.Transgender peopleUnited StatesBiography.3.Racially mixed peopleUnited StatesBiography.4.Gender identityUnited StatesCase studies.5.Self-actualization (Psychology)Case studies.I.Title.

HQ77.8.M63A32014

306.76'8dc232013047625

ISBN 978-1-4767-0912-3

ISBN 978-1-4767-0914-7 (ebook)

For Aaron, who loved me because of myself, held me accountable to my truth, and became home

You become strong by doing the things you need to be strong for. This is the way genuine learning takes place. Thats a very difficult way to live, but it also has served me. Its been an asset as well as a liability.

AUDRE LORDE

T his book is my truth and personal history. I have recalled facts, from events to people, to the best of my ability. When memory failed me, I did not seek answers in imagination. I sought clarity through conversations with those whove shared experiences with me. When my recollection of events varied from theirs, I sided with my memory and used their voice, often direct quotes, to contextualize events.

Many people featured in the book gave me permission to use their names; others I changed or labeled with an initial to protect their privacy, whether they were guilty, innocent, indifferent, or somewhere in between.

As for terminology, I prefer to use trans over transgender or transsexual when identifying myself, although I dont find either offensive. I do not use real or genetic or biological or natural to describe the sex, body, or gender of those who are not trans. Instead, Ive used cis , a term applied to those who are not trans and therefore less likely to experience the misalignment of their gender identity and assigned sex at birtha matter we do not control, yet one that continues to frame who is normalized or stigmatized.

Finally, though I highlight some of the shared experiences of trans women and women of color throughout this book, it was not written with the intent of representation. There is no universal womens experience. We all have stories, and this is one personal narrative out of untold thousands, and I am aware of the privilege I hold in telling my story. Visit JanetMock.com for more information, resources, and writings.

I was shopping for dresses I didnt need at a vintage store near my apartment when I read the e-mail that changed my life. It was May 13, 2011, and the messagetitled Drum roll please... Marie Claire contained a three-page PDF of what would become known as my coming-out story. I hope you like it, the editor of my profile wrote. We are very pleased with it. Very proud of it.

I downloaded the file on my iPhone and read the article for the first time, seated on a curb outside the boutique. It was a brisk and sunny Friday in the East Village, one of those days that hadnt decided what season it wanted to be. My palms were moist and my heartbeat was hasty as my eyes glided across twenty-three hundred words written by journalist Kierna Mayo. I read the article three times from the same spot on that cold cement. After each reading, I was moved but strikingly detached.

It was a strangers story to me. It belonged to some brave girl who defied all odds, crossing sexes, leaving her past behind, making it to People magazine, and living to tell her story in a major womens magazine. I found myself applauding this heroine for embodying the do-it-yourself bravado that Americans celebrate. Although the facts correlated with my life, the story belonged to Marie Claire through the reportage of Kierna. The profile was a compilation of a series of meetings, phone calls, and e-mails from the past few months that disclosed one aspect of my identity: I am a trans woman, or, as Marie Claire put it, I Was Born a Boy. The fact remains that the girl in that article didnt resonate with me because it wasnt really my story.

When Kierna approached me back in 2010, only the people closest to me knew I was trans: my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. They were people I trusted, who nurtured me, with whom I was intimate. I took Kiernas call because a friend to whom I had opened up told me I could trust Kierna. This friend was the same person who had disclosed to a well-known journalist what Id shared with her in confidence. Regardless, I was not ready for the vulnerability that comes with public openness when I spoke to Kierna at age twenty-seven. During our conversations, I withheld parts of myself and details from my journey (partly because I was unpacking my own shame; partly because I needed to save those details for my own story). As a result, the girl in the piece seemed untouchable, unscathed, a bit of an anomaly.

I was reluctant to open up to the world for the same reasons I had been afraid to reveal myself as Janet to my mother and siblings at thirteen, to wear a dress through the halls of my high school, to tell the man I loved my truth: I didnt want to be othered, reduced to just being trans. I struggled for years with my perception of what trans womanhood was, having internalized our cultures skewed, biased views and pervasive misconceptions about trans women.

Growing up, I learned that being trans was something you did not take pride in; therefore, I yearned to separate myself from the dehumanizing depictions of trans women that I saw in popular culture, from Venus Xtravaganzas unsolved and underexplored murder in Paris Is Burning , to the characters of Lois Einhorn (played by Sean Young) in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective , and Dil (played by Jaye Davidson) in The Crying Game , to numerous women exploited as modern-day freak shows on Jerry Springer and Maury . Lets not forget the tranny hooker credits seen everywhere from Sex and the City to every Law & Order and CSI franchise. According to the media, trans women were subject to pain and punch lines. Instead of proclaiming that I was not a plot device to be laughed at, I spent my younger years internalizing and fighting those stereotypes.

I dont want to be seen as one of them , I told myself a number of times as I grappled with making the decision to tell my story publicly. I remained silent because I was taught to believe that my silence would protect me, cradle me, enable me to have access, excel, and build a life for myself. My silence and my accomplishments would help me navigate the world without others judgments and would separate me from the stereotypes and stigma.