Owens - BBQ Pizza: A Flaming Expose on Macho Cooking

What a great read! Such an entertaining book!
It's Erma Bombeck meets Ina Garten! Fabulicious!
~~ G. M. DePriest

SHAMELESS SALES PITCH: This is guaranteed tobe one of the most hilarious cookbooks you will ever read!Extraordinary, right? Ordinary cookbook sales pitches talk aboutdelicious, simple, quick, tasty and so on endlessly. And of courseall those things describe my book as well. But the extra hilarityis so unusual that you will probably never see a sales pitch likethis again.

This cookbook is for real people. There are47 simple recipes. (Had to be an odd number, so I'm counting thePina Coladas too!) Most of the ingredients are easily found at yourlocal store. The instructions arent full of strange words that youneed a dictionary to understand. There arent long chapters onobscure procedures. (Translation: Chapters are short.) The idea isto get you started making and eating delicious pizza quickly.

This book has the basics of what worked forus. It really is much more of a what NOT to do rather than a howto book. Remember those who do not learn from history are doomedto repeat it. Save yourself from fire department visits and patioremodeling by learning from our example. If there is a mistake tobe made, our macho cooks have made it.

Ive stolen some of the recipes from awonderful group of people who are delusional enough to enjoy mycompany. I invite friends over to cook pizzas, taste each pizza andpick only the best to write recipes from. (I have discarded eachand every recipe that used sauerkraut. Sauerkraut on pizza was avery bad idea.)

I hope that after trying some of theserecipes you will start experimenting and making your own creations.That is the real joy of pizza cooking; trying new ingredients orcombinations. Try, Taste and Enjoy!

Happy Grilling!

All rights reserved, retained, restrained, reiteratedand reconstituted. No part of this publication may be copied orused in any way without the express written consent of the author.(Express is difficult to achieve since this author types ratherslowly, but the author is easily motivated when bribed withchocolate. This increases typing speed, but rather adverselyaffects spelling and grammar.)

This work began as almost factual with additions,embellishments, embroidering and large doses of poetic licenseknitted together until it became a complete fabrication with noresemblance to reality. All names, characters, locations andincidents were altered to expose as many undergarments as possible.Any resemblance to actual events is totally intentional, but thetruth has been exaggerated, twisted and tortured until such actualevents should be entirely unrecognizable.

No life-threatening injuries were sustained duringthe creation of this book and all participants have gone on to leadsomewhat productive lives. Unfortunately Brians nose hairs didgrow back, a fact which his sixth grade students remark onfrequently.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoymentonly. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.If you would like to share this book with another person, pleasepurchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're readingthis book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for youruse only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase yourown copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of thisauthor.

This book features stunts performed by amateurs notunder the supervision of professionals. Due to the dangers ofcombining open flames with alcohol, the author must insist that noone attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activityperformed in this book. (Whew! Now Im safe from singed nose hairlawsuits!)

I want to thank all my friends and family forbeing such good sports. The only thing better than making fun of myhusband is getting to make fun of several husbands and assortedother folks as well. Like a bowl of mixed nuts, each one adds itsown peculiar flavoring.

Special thanks to all the wonderful peoplewho helped with this book. First I have to thank my husband Greg,without him none of this would be possible. Love you sweetie!

Rick and Marianne have been fantastic! Howmany best friends would let someone turn their husband into acomedic character? (Yes, the final decision is always the wife's.Don't you forget that!)

The wildly famous Jack Russo created themagnificent cartoons for me. Yvonne arranged the photographs fromwhich the illustrations were done. Steve and Yolanda critiqued mywriting and encouraged me to keep going. Grace and so many otherfamily members and friends have made suggestions, tested recipesand edited text. I am so grateful for all their help! Without themthis book would not exist. Thank you all!

How This Whole Thing Got Started

Every journey begins with a single step. Ifthat step leads over a cliff most sensible people dont embark. Wejumped. Our best friends, Rick and Marianne, introduced us tobarbecued pizza.

We all met when my husband Greg andMariannes husband Rick became leaders of the Boy Scout trooptogether. Basically when you put these two guys together you haveTim Allen, John Cleese and Peter Sellers all rolled into one. Thetwo of them get into more trouble than three people, and not evennormal people at that. Thankfully all the scouts survived theirleadership and have grown into responsible adults despite theexperience.

So, true to tradition, the two guysbarbequing a pizza together was not exactly a resounding successthe first time out, or even the fourth, but I get ahead of myself.Their first pizza attempt was more of a Laurel and Hardy finemess.

Problem number one the pizza did not wantto be cooked and clung tenaciously to the baking sheet it had beenassembled on. It took all four of us to dislodge it. One of us heldthe sheet, another worked two spatulas under the center of it andthe others grabbed the edges with their fingers.

The pizza, which had been a minor work of artbefore this process, finally ended up on the grill lookingconsiderably worse for wear. Id say like preschool fingerpainting, but that still implies some level of artistic merit.

Which brings me to problem number two theycooked the pizza directly on the grill. This was such a colossalerror that even our intrepid adventurers never attempted to do soagain. Problem number three compounded error number two. Theycooked the pizza for the length of time recommended for a pizza ina 350 degree oven.

Macho cooking rule number one is to never usean oven when unregulated flames are available. Rick, at this point,was a hard core macho cooker. No wimpy gas barbeques for him. Hewas strictly a charcoal or hard wood barbequer.

Now in an oven, the pizza is probably a goodeight inches away from the heat source. On a barbeque it might betwo, unless Greg and Rick are involved. The more heat the better,is the second rule of macho cooking, so they lowered the rack untilit was almost touching the coals. Once the coals were heated to anunknown temperature, somewhere between scorching and hell, theybegan cooking pizza.

Macho cookers (like hookers only with a c)dont need to measure the temperature. If you cant comfortablystand within five feet of the barbeque, then it is ready. Theyintended to cook the pizza for twenty minutes, but thankfully afterabout ten minutes, they got tired of listening to their wivescomplain about the smoke billowing out of the barbeque and decidedto check on the pizza. It was, predictably, a burnt offering to thegods of macho cooking.