Rosellini Gayle - Of Course Youre Angry: Guide to Dealing with the Emotions of Substance Abuse

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

1985, 1997 by Hazelden Foundation

All rights reserved. First published 1985. Second Edition 1997 Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rosellini, Gayle.

Of course youre angry : a guide to dealing with the emotions of substance abuse / by Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden.rev. ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 1-56838-141-7

Ebook ISBN 978-1-59285-935-1

1. AlcoholicsFamily relationships. 2. Anger. 3. Alcoholics

Psychology. I. Worden, Mark. II. Title.

HV5132.R674 1997

362.2923dc21

96-37533

CIP

02 01 00 99 98 97 6 5 4 3 2 1

Book design by Will H. Powers

Cover design by David Spohn

Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.

Editors note

Hazelden offers a variety of information on chemical dependency and related areas. Our publications do not necessarily represent Hazeldens programs, nor do they officially speak for any Twelve Step organization.

All the stories in this book are based on actual experiences. All identifying information has been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

Dedicated

to the memory of

Michelle Abdill

and Roxanne Ellis

Its after midnight and Donna is furious.

Why do I put up with it? Does anyone really need this torture? Why isnt Jim home yet? He left for his AA meeting at a quarter to eight. Its a quarter to one and hes still gone! The damn meeting only lasts an hour and a half. Where is he? If hes in a tavern

No, dont even think it. Its been a year. Jims been sober a year. He wouldnt. He couldnt.

Where is he?

Crouched into a corner of the sofa, Donna huddles in an agony of fear, worry, and resentment.

Questions swirl through her mind. Wasnt Jims getting sober supposed to make everything better? Wasnt it supposed to be the start of a bright new life, a life unmarred by the turmoil and arguments of the old drinking days? Hadnt she gone to all those meetings and read all those books just like the counselor recommended? Hadnt she accepted the fact that substance abuse is a family disease; that, in her own way, shed been just as sick as Jim? Hadnt she done her share, for Gods sake, to patch together the shreds of a marriage slashed to pieces by too much drinking and too much gambling at the local casino?

She herself hadnt been to the casino in a year. Shed given up bingo and video poker. That hadnt been easy. And when she went to one of her Twelve Step meetings, she came straight home afterwards. Why couldnt Jim do the same?

Where is he?

If recovery was so wonderful, why was their marriage still awful? Why the pounding heart? the clenched jaws? the aching, crushing pressure in her chest every time Jim pulled another one of these stunts? Didnt he know what they did to her?

No, he doesnt care what it does to me. Hes too insensitive, too self-centered to care about my feelings. Hed never understand the depth of my fury. He just doesnt care.

Donna groans audibly. She feels like shes going crazy. Whats wrong with me? Why do I feel so much hatred? Why do I feel so much?

Baffled, she looks down at her mug and sees the dregs of her coffee. Cold and bitter, she thinks. Very appropriate. Then she tries to shake off her venomous thoughts. Jims sober. Thats the important thing to remember. I have to concentrate on that. Sobriety comes first. Thats what the counselors always say. Sobriety is the most important thing.

But her anger remains: Yeah, Jims sober. Big deal. Nothing else has changed. Hes out doing his thing while I sit home, sick with worry.

The memory of all those terrible nights stabs at her heart. Why dont I just get a divorce and be done with it? Jim doesnt care. Oh, he pretends to, but all he really cares about is himself. Otherwise, he wouldnt treat me this way, would he? Would he?

She wants to cry. How many times has she tried to solve these problems? But what can I do about it? I certainly cant let Jim know how I feel because if I do, if I lose control of my temper for one minute, everything will come pouring out in a roaring flood of anger, a torrent of pain, a relentless surge of savage and ugly resentment.

And then it will be too late.

Shes afraid. If she starts to cry, she might not be able to stop, and itll all come out, all of it. Their marriage will be shattered by the pent-up fury of her soul. She might start screaming and never be able to stop. And then Jim might drink again.

Headlights flash in the window. Jim is home.

She greets him at the door, her bravely smiling face hiding her anger, masking the inner turmoil. Hi, honey, she says with a strained voice. The smile on her trembling lips hardens. Youre late.

You didnt have to wait up, he says defensively. Some of the guys and I went to the coffee shop after the meeting. Guess I lost track of the time.

Oh, well She shrugs. A pretense of indifference. Jim bends to kiss her. Clamping her lips tight, she turns a cheek to his lips, sniffs, inhales deeply. Cigarettes and coffee and stale Old Spice. Safe, friendly smells. No alcohol. Donna sighs with relief.

Jim stiffens. For crying out loud, he complains, a sour smile twisting his mouth. What did you expect?

She turns away. Im going to bed, she says. Im tired.

Wait. He grabs her arm. I want to talk.

Shaking loose, she snarls, If you want to talk, go back to your friends at Dennys. Her voice is low, sarcastic.

Jims eyes narrow. Sighing, he says, You wanted me to quit drinking and I did. Now, youre mad because I go to meetings. I cant win.

Im not mad. Her voice is flat, her jaw tight. Im just tired.

Yeah, tired. Youre always tired. They glare at each other for a moment. Then Jim turns and heads for the bedroom. As he walks away, he mumbles just loud enough for Donna to hear: One of these nights I may not come home at all. He slams the bedroom door behind him.

Donna stands staring into space, an empty feeling in her stomach. Were getting better, she commends herself. A tear rolls down her cheek. Neither one of us lost our temper. Maybe things will work out after all.

If you understand what Donna and Jim are feeling, it means one thing: Youre normal.

Everyone gets angry, feels the arousal of resentment, the turmoil of rage, the heart-thumping seething of fury. We feel irked, exasperated, irritated, vexed, annoyed, enraged.

We may not like to admit it, but all of us experience anger.

Anger is a normal human emotion.