Schneider - Soul Vampires

ISBN: 9781483559100

Copyright 2015 by Andrea Schneider, LCSW

For Bryan, Brendan and Graham, my loves and good men.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

This book would not have been possible without the support, editing, guidance and patience of my husband, Bryan Schneider. I am profoundly grateful for his steadfast writing/editing/marketing expertise. Above all, I am so fortunate to be in a long-term relationship with a healthy individual. I am also grateful for the patience of my sons during this process of writing.

I would like to thank the countless clients who have courageously shared their stories with me and embarked upon the healing journey. I also would like to thank colleagues Kristin Walker of everythingEHR.com; Michelle Mallon, MSW of Ohio State University; and Christine Louis de Canonville, therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, for their continual support and encouragement for this work.

The Myth of Echo and Narcissus

According to Greek legend, Narcissus was a gorgeous, chiseled, young man who falls in love with his reflection in a pond. A lovely wood nymph, Echo, is also taken with the beauty of Narcissus. She calls out to him. Time and again, Narcissus ignores Echo, distracted by his handsome reflection in the water. Echo is ultimately destined for unrequited love, as Narcissus loves only his image, projected as a mirror in the water.

Types of Narcissism the Spectrum of the Soul Vampire

I wonder if the course of narcissism through the ages would have been any different had Narcissus first peered into a cesspool. He probably did. Frank OHara, Early Writing

People can exhibit traits or strands of narcissism here or there, or they might have full-blown personality disorder, termed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. On the far end of the spectrum, some individuals have what is termed malignant narcissism, which borders on psychopathy defined as antisocial personality traits with enduring patterns of lack of empathy/remorse and disinhibited behavior.

As renowned forensic psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville discusses in her book The Three Faces of Evil (2015), narcissism exists on a continuum. Individuals can exhibit traits of narcissism and not develop the full-blown personality disorder. Those individuals are thought to be more flexible in their abilities to adapt and potentially evolve through circumstances. However, those who have malignant narcissism generally have very limited success in psychotherapy because they dont think they have a problem!

On the far end of the spectrum, malignant narcissists (referred to as MNs from this point forward) and psychopaths actually take pleasure in causing pain to their intended targets. The resulting sadism results in a fueling of the narcissists ego. Malignant narcissists are the focus of this book, existing on the more extreme side of a continuum, one step from the most extreme form of narcissism, psychopathy.

How do people become narcissists?

When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be loveable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Simply put, people who become narcissists typically have experienced some form of extreme trauma or neglect in their early childhood. Theyve often experienced spotty nurturance sometimes accompanied by intermittent excessive attention and smothering. In order to survive emotionally, they had to fake perfection and don a mask catering to the whims of their abusive caregiver, suffering under the burden of serving as an extension of their abusive parents identity (from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, referred to as DSM-5 from this point forward). Their primary caregiver may have been a narcissist themselves (or perhaps demonstrates evidence of another personality disorder).

Unless a child who experiences such neglect/abuse receives consistent emotional support and guidance, the individual is at risk of becoming a narcissist, a malignant narcissist or developing another personality disorder (for example, Borderline Personality Disorder). Personality disorders are mental disorders where an individual shows a pervasive pattern of maladaptive personality traits that are consistent across time. These traits interfere with the ability to have healthy communication and significantly impact relationships in work, family and love. (see www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html)

It is important to note that not all people who have emotionally abusive backgrounds become narcissists. In fact, many develop a keen sense of empathy because they were cared for by at least one solid, continuous empathic caregiver that provided refuge in an otherwise traumatic background. Some literature has alluded to the theory that there may also be a genetic component to malignant narcissism, antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy, but the findings have been inconclusive, leaning mostly to favor the nurture (versus nature) model of causation (DSM-5). Some researchers believe that a combination of nature and nurture contributes to the development of malignant narcissism (Brown, Sandra, 2009).

Signs Youre Dealing With a Malignant Narcissist

How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego. Amanda Torroni, poet

As a strengths-focused therapist, I prefer not to label someone with a condition. However, I found many of my clients showing symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) after leaving an abusive relationship. Top leaders in the field refer to this complex trauma as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. (Louis de Canonville, 2012). (narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/) For more study about both Complex-PTSD and Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, see references/resources at end of this ebook. These subjects are complex enough to fill an entirely separate book.

I sought to understand more about this common thread and uncovered a vast treasure-trove of information on narcissistic abuse recovery (see helpful resources section).

I realized that so many of my clients had been in relationships with toxic individuals exhibiting extreme forms of narcissism. There was a name for this very specific emotional abuse: narcissistic abuse.

I will get into more detail about narcissistic abuse recovery, but first I want to lay the foundation for understanding what malignant narcissism looks like. Here are a few signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, drawn from DSM-5, which form the underpinnings of malignant narcissism. Following this section, I will elaborate on how problematic a love relationship with a narcissist can be because of the following qualities:

*Grandiose, inflated self-esteem (used to mask underlying insecurity)

*Excessive sense of entitlement

*Arrogant, condescending toward others

*Thinks of self as special and will associate only with people s/he designates as special

*Lacks ability to reciprocate in relationships (i.e. give and take in conversation and action); in other words, its all about them