Lauren Kozlowski - How to go No Contact With a Narcissist

Introduction: Why You Need to Go No Contact

L et me start this with a cold, hard truth. Your reaction to this fact will determine whether or not you are ready for the contents of this book:

In order to overcome a narcissistic relationship, there are two ways out: be discarded for the final time from the narcissist, or go no contact and cut yourself away from your abuser.

If youre ready to know all about no contact and are willing to give it your all in order to free yourself of your abuser, then read on.

Neither option is pretty, and I cant deny that both are painful. However, when you claim back your power by making the decision to go no contact, you give yourself the ability to leave the relationship with dignity, newfound self-respect and the makings of a solid foundation to build your future on. In stark contrast, if your abuser has left you high and dry with no explanation, effectively ending your relationship with one final heartbreaking discard, you will be torturing yourself with getting them back.

Youll be driving yourself crazy with thoughts about who theyre with, what theyre doing, and youll be anxiously checking your messages and social media waiting for them to come back into your life. The upsetting truth may be that this could be the time they dont come back - this discard could really be the final one; they wont come crawling back as they have before.

Ive been discarded more times than I can recall, and I know it hurts - the pain you feel when your abuser drops you quicker than you can realize whats happening is utterly crushing.

Even if youre in the discard phase right now, you can still go no contact. If your abuser has left and isnt refusing to speak with you, no contact is still an option - you can train yourself to stop getting in contact with them, and rewire your brain to focus on other things. Eventually, the trauma begins to heal. I cant say youll ever forget how the narcissist has made you feel, but I can assure you that eventually, it wont have the same knife-in-the-heart reaction you once felt thinking about the abusive phases of the relationship.

I want this book to help guide you through leaving your abuser, if you havent already done so, and finding the courage and resolve to be able to cut the narc out of your life completely with no contact. Scattered throughout this book will also be stories of survivors of narcissistic abuse who successfully went no contact, those who are currently trying to go no contact, and those who are struggling to stick to cutting the narc out of their life. This is to give you hope but to also show you that going no contact isnt as straightforward as you think it should be. There may be blips you may give in, but ultimately, that wont stop you from reaching your end goal of healing if you retain your determination to rid yourself of your toxic abuser.

I want to solidify in your mind exactly why you need to go no contact with the narc in your life. Chances are, after picking this book up and committing to reading it, you already know that you ought to be looking to sever the narcissist out of your life entirely. Whats hard is actually putting this into action and sticking to it. You need to conjure up consistency if you are to really work through going no contact for good.

When I began looking at ways I could leave my abuser, and started seeking help on detaching myself emotionally from my abusive other half, I found myself overwhelmed; I truly didnt think I had enough strength to leave my partner. I was so codependent, believed I was in love with this person, and doubted that Id ever meet anyone else ever again. More than this, I didnt want to meet anyone else. I was in the non-stop abusive cycle, and despite knowing what I needed to do, it took me such a long time to really put no contact into action.

During no contact, you shouldnt be initiating any kind of contact with your abuser. No phone calls, texts, Snapchats, Facebook messages, Instagram posts with them tagged, etc. Youll be tempted to text, call or reach out in the middle of the night when youre feeling the most alone and heartbreakingly vulnerable. Regardless of this, you must restrain, because theres a lot to gain from successfully carrying out no contact.

No contact provides you time for focusing on you and improving yourself and giving you time to properly reflect on the relationship and the events that have affected you so badly. It also allows you to get a more objective perspective on the abusive youve endured, which isnt something you could ever do whilst in the relationship. Itll allow you to eventually gravitate towards a more emotionally stable state.

You have a lot to gain by going no contact, and a lot to lose by skipping it. I want this book to be a tool for you to utilize, refer to, and come back to when you need a source of support through no contact.

Chapter One: How to Leave a Narcissist

S o, youve decided .

You know you just cant live with the mental abuse and emotional torment of being in a relationship with a narcissist. In fact, youve probably known this for a while. But acting on this knowledge is hard - I understand. Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things youll ever do. Getting out with your sanity intact may seem impossible, but its not - you just need to make sure youre committed, consistent and understand that it will be hard (but ultimately worth it).

The first thing you need to do is leave your abuser. Much, much easier said than done, I get that, but its not beyond your remit, regardless of your situation. I know financial situations, family circumstances, and stability play a big part in many victims staying with their abuser, but you can still leave - you just need to plan, prepare and be willing to give it your all when you finally execute your departure from the relationship. This is how I finally broke free from my abuser, and its how almost every other survivor has freed themselves from an abusive relationship.

With all of the gaslighting, manipulation, nasty comments and constant battles, youll already be emotionally and mentally exhausted, so leaving the relationship can feel like such an overwhelming thing to do. But youre reading this book, so your gut is telling you that leaving and cutting contact is what you need to do. I always tell people to trust their gut, and trusting your own instincts is something a narc tries to stop you from doing. As well as trusting your instinct, you need to make sure you have firm boundaries and remember at all times why you need to walk away.