Natalie Lue - The No Contact Rule

When I finally decided to cut contact with a Mr Unavailable (emotionally unavailable man) who also had a girlfriend, I also had the unfortunate predicament of working with him. Unlike all the other times when Id told him it was over had yelled, and ranted, raved, and no doubt shrieked like a banshee - this time, it was done with no fanfare simply because I couldnt take the embarrassment of yet another thing Id sworn that I didnt follow through with.

After overhearing him cooking up an alibi with my friends boyfriend outside my bedroom door, I suddenly realised that after eighteen months of bullshit, Id had enough and that not only was he most definitely not my man but that I would rather be miserable on my own. Despite the fact that he could offer me no more now than the day wed become involved, he had a huge stranglehold over my life. Emotionally, and even healthwise, Id hit rock bottom.

Breakups are bad enough and when you have to do it with a work colleague, its even trickier but for the sake of my sanity and for my own self-respect, I just had to cut contact and distance myself from him. First came me saying that I was busy for lunch, shocking him as we used to have lunch together as often as possible. Then followed me saying that I was busy that evening and ignoring his calls and texts. Of course emails followed and what with us working together we crossed paths, but I kept myself distant and polite, and tried not to get drawn into anything. Without realising it, I was attempting to teach him that I wasnt going to do what he expected anymore instead it would be a case of No Contact and setting boundaries, although I didnt even know that this is what it was. It was instinct, gut and self-preservation.

Its also important to note that as we werent in a proper relationship after all its pretty difficult to break up with someone whos already in a relationship with someone else I had no choice but to let my actions do the talking. Id kept waiting for him to do the decent thing and spare me from any more pain by walking away but I realised, he was never going to do the decent thing; I had to do it.

The following week, Im pretty sure that he expected things to return to normal, but they didnt, and week after week after week passed. At times it was agonising. Id pace my flat close to tearing my hair out as I wondered if Id made a mistake, whether Id been too hasty, too demanding, too a lot of things, but I gradually realised that I didnt miss the drama and feeling like second best and cold turkeyed it out.

The times when I was tempted to cave often coincided with something else stressing me, or the sting of rejection making me want to avoid the truth of our involvement. I didnt want to see myself. Reaching out seemed like the perfect solution because Id fantasise that he was afraid of getting in touch with me because Id cut contact with him. Id imagine that I would get in touch and hed be delighted to hear from me, apologise profusely and announce that he was going to leave his girlfriend. But, every time these thoughts crossed my mind, Id remember not one, not two, but countless examples where hed disappointed me and I just couldnt face feeling that way again.

It was hard and along the way there were several major confrontations, normally caused by him getting drunk at an event, getting jealous, professing his love and then admitting that his situation hadnt changed.

Just before lunch one day, he managed to catch me on my own and quizzed me about a guy from work who Id had an entirely innocent conversation with.

Im not talking about this. Ive told you to leave me alone! and I walked away from him. Feeling a bit deflated, I decided to go to Pret a Manger and grab some lunch. I admit I was wondering if I was being too harsh on him. Heading back to the office, I froze, open mouthed in shock, when I spotted this fool coming out of our building with a bunch of flowers walking towards his girlfriend less than ten minutes after hed accosted me. It was all I could do not to grab those flowers and ram them up his arse!

This incident toughened me up and restored my resolve. It also no doubt helped to limit the pain when I bumped into him in a club while I was out with a group of friends including a platonic male friend from work. He threw a major tantrum and accused me of all sorts of things, only for me to see him a while later dancing with his girlfriend (who I hadnt known was there) and she had on an engagement ring .

I moved on to someone else (another Mr Unavailable but theres a whole other book on that) which admittedly helped to distract from the hurt. When I finished it with him, I spent more time focusing on me and managed to avoid falling off the wagon a few times and then I finally did, almost a year after starting No Contact. I instantly regretted it and got right back on the NC saddle.

I could have agonised over what had, in effect lasted all of a few hours, but I realised that while I would have preferred not to have slipped up, the experience had actually only cemented my reasons for cutting contact in the first place. It empowered me to continue and move on. I didnt have to wonder What if? or ponder the Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas . And from that moment onwards, what little power he thought hed had evaporated. I never looked back because I knew what was there.

I knew that I was no longer No Contact and was in fact just Living My Life when one day it occurred to me that Id stopped anticipating whether hed get in touch or wondering what was going on with him and his girlfriend.

To be quite frank, I just didnt give a shit anymore. He knew it too his attempts were becoming half-hearted and he was increasingly wary of creating more conflict. He ended up having to see me with dates at social engagements where we had mutual friends, and to eventually see me happy with someone else. This was major progress considering that Id believed that I couldnt be happy with anyone else and that he was my last chance at love when Id first initiated No Contact. I mistook the source of my misery for also being the sole source of my happiness.

One of the things that I learned through being in a number of relationships and cutting contact was that in or out of the relationship, I was creating my own pain. Im not saying he or any of my other exes werent doing what they were doing, but in terms of how long I stuck around, what I put up with, how receptive I was, and my own relationship habits, that was all me. This turned out to be very empowering knowledge because I realised that I could also be in charge of creating my own happiness.

Hes not the only man Ive had to cut contact with; my past is littered with texts, emails, letters, dropped calls, instant messages, voicemails, and nostalgic calls that Ive either fallen for, or had to ignore for the sake of my own sanity. My life has moved on dramatically since those days, but every day through my blog Baggage Reclaim ( www.baggagereclaim.com ) and also my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl , I still help thousands of people recognise that they have to cut contact and teach the object of their misguided affections to expect something different from them, so that they can move on and be free of destructive relationships.