Natalie Lue - The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

For Emmon, Saria, and Nia.

Every day, you remind me of the joy

and the gift of saying no.

The Joy of Saying No

Copyright 2022 Natalie Lue

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published by Harper Horizon, an imprint of HarperCollins Focus LLC.

Book design by Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Any internet addresses, phone numbers, or company or product information printed in this book are offered as a resource and are not intended in any way to be or to imply an endorsement by Harper Horizon, nor does Harper Horizon vouch for the existence, content, or services of these sites, phone numbers, companies, or products beyond the life of this book.

ISBN 978-0-7852-9045-2 (eBook)

ISBN 978-0-7852-9044-5 (HC)

ISBN 9781400335480 (ANZ)

ISBN 9781400335497 (UK)

ISBN 9781400337323 (India)

Epub Edition October 2022 9780785290452

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022934018

Printed in the United States of America

22 23 24 25 26 LSC 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Information about External Hyperlinks in this ebook

Please note that the endnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication

I m Natalie Lue, and Im a recovering people pleaser. Suppressing and repressing my needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions to try to influence and control other peoples feelings and behavior was as natural to me as breathing. I thought it was normal to tell people what they want to hear (read: lie) to make them feel better. I believed I was ticking the boxes of being a Good Person by being kind, generous, hardworking, conscientious, loving, eager to help, attractive, and intelligent, and doing what others needed and wanted. It baffled me though that, well, I felt like shit most of the time. It didnt make sense to me that I devoted so much time, energy, effort, and emotion to trying to do the right thingbeing a Good Girlmaking sure others were pleased and sacrificing myself, yet I did not feel good.

I saved no for 911 occasions where my back was against the wall, expressed it in an over-apologetic fashion that suggested I was doing wrong, or said it belatedly in an eruption of pent-up anger and frustration. I thought that saying no because you wanted to, whether it was out of necessity, desire, or even obligation, was something other people didyou know, the ones whod earned that right with their worthiness. This meant that I typically signed, sealed, and delivered a no with pain, anxiety, guilt, resentment, and shame.

* * *

ONE MORNING IN early August 2005, I discovered that I could say no simply because I wanted to. On that particular day, I sat in a consultants office in the lung clinic of a North London hospital braced for the bad news I knew was coming. For eighteen months, Id traipsed in and out of various departments, sometimes weekly, for chest X-rays, lung function tests, blood tests, CT scans, and general poking and prodding after being diagnosed with a mystery immune system disease (sarcoidosis) that had nearly left me blind in one eye and made me an expert at hiding severe joint pain. A few weeks earlier while on holiday in Egypt celebrating finishing a years course of aggressive steroid treatment, Id found a lump in my neck that signaled the disease was back. Now I knew what it felt like to be Jamie Lee Curtiss character in the Halloween films thinking that Michael Myers was gone only for him to reappear to destroy everyones lives, again.

... the steroid treatment hasnt worked... As you know, we dont know what causes it, and there is no cure, so you will need to take steroids for life... Crucial that you start straight away... avoid pulmonary heart failure by the age of forty... no other options... preserving mobility...

Id recently turned twenty-eight, and as my consultants voice slipped into a monotone, it hit me: Id been sick for at least two years, and while Id understood that my illness was serious, Id done whatever doctors told me, and my focus had been being at everyone elses service even when I didnt want to be.

Instances of compliance and self-neglect flashed through my mind. Id decided not to burden my family with too much information about my illness because I knew they couldnt handle it (and admittedly, their attitudesincluding being more concerned about how much weight Id put on with the steroidsstressed me out). My boss and colleagues were in the dark about the extent of my illness because Id decided to act as if I werent ill and to compensate for any inconveniences, such as appointments and putting steroids in my eye every hour, with high performance. Id start the day screaming in agony, and by the time I got off the Tube and entered the office, I had a veneer of calm.

Thats why when I heard no moments laterresonant, unapologetic, and decidedI looked around to see who had said it. The look of confusion and irritation on my consultants face made it clear that it had been me.

Normally Id feel anxious about saying no to an authority and appearing difficult, but this feeling was absent. Fear of dying by age forty far outweighed the potential discomfort I tended to sense in others when I so much as contemplated saying no, never mind verbalizing or showing it. It hit me that no one was coming to save me. It was my responsibility to make decisions and take care of myself.

So I explained that since they didnt know why I had the disease and the steroids clearly werent solving anything, I was going to explore other options. Cue him reiterating everything hed already said, pooh-poohing alternatives, and telling me I didnt have any options.

It would have been easy to back down and then spend the next few months or even years stewing over my silencing myself. Instead, I said, I hear all of that, but Im still going to explore other options. I promised to attend all of my checkups and that if they werent seeing any improvement in three months, Id begin steroid treatment. But that never happened.

Eight months later, I was in remission from my incurable disease, had begun radically overhauling every area of my life, and was in a new relationship with my now husband. Yes, I did employ some alternative therapies (kinesiology and acupuncture), but it was hearing the term boundaries not long after that appointment that changedand savedmy life. Over the seventeen years since that fateful day, time and time again, the solution to almost every struggle and problem has proven to be the same as it was back then: embracing the joy of saying no.

WHEN I SAID no in the consultants office, I hadnt been in even one healthy romantic relationship. Even my dates turned into toxic encounters where, due to rationalizing inappropriate behavior or feeling guilty about my lack of interest, Id continue to experience violations and/or upgrade the person to boyfriend. Thanks to my mommy and daddy issues stemming from abandonment, criticism, and chaos, I was in a constant cycle of family drama and was burned-out at work and even in some friendships. I hated myself and my life because it felt like nothing I did was ever enough. Even so, in my mind,