Melissa Urban - The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

Melissa Urban has written the playbook for creating connection, protecting our peace, and expanding our lives. At once insightful, personal, funny, and direct, The Book of Boundaries should be required reading for anyone who has relationships with other humans.

Ellen Vora , MD, psychiatrist and bestselling author of The Anatomy of Anxiety

If you are a people-pleaser, cant say no, or constantly put other peoples comfort ahead of your own, you need Melissa Urban and The Book of Boundaries. Through her entertaining stories, years of research, and personal experience, Urban helps you identify your needs, gives you the right words to communicate them effectively, and empowers you to transform your relationships, self-esteem, and confidence.

Sara Kuburic , existential therapist, author, and creator of @millennial.therapist

If you want to bring the truest version of yourself to your relationships, this book is required reading. In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban invites you into a conversation about boundaries that is unlike any youve likely had before. With disarmingly honest scripts, personal stories that will have you nodding along or cracking up, and glorious advice on how to gracefully navigate your greatest relationship quandaries, Urban deftly delivers the answer to your most pressing questions about how to set, maintain, and follow through with the boundaries you ache for.

Mara Glatzel , host of the Needy podcast and author of Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty

Helpful as hell and lovingly direct, Melissa Urban is the boundaries big sister we all so desperately need. Through her insightful advice and easy-to-follow scripts, Urban teaches you how to stand up for yourself without walling yourself off from the people you love.

Tara Schuster , author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies

In the last decade, Ive talked to thousands of people about their boundary issues. The stories youll read in this book came from those conversations. A few stories have been told without alteration, using real names and circumstances, always with that persons blessing. In most cases, Ive changed names and other details as needed to protect peoples privacy. In still others, Ive merged multiple conversations into one cohesive story. Always, I have tried to capture the full depth and breadth of the many issuesand opportunitiesthat arise when we set boundaries.

When it comes to gendered terms (like wife or hers), Ive preserved what was sent to me by my readers. If you see a specific gendered term, that story was told to me using those terms or pronouns. In the scripts or stories in this book, there are instances where Ive merged multiple narratives into one. In those cases, Ive used the gender-neutral pronouns they/them and gender-neutral terms like partner or manager.

Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. (And if youve never thought about it like that, its probably because, like me, you have a lot of unearned privilege.) Because I am white, straight, able-bodied, financially secure, and thin, I am afforded a certain degree of power in our society. Those privileges and that power mean I can speak a boundary with relative confidence, and generally expect others to respect my wishes. People who belong to historically marginalized groupswhether people of color, disabled, plus-sized, or LGTBQ+dont have the same privilege, the same power, or the same relationship to boundaries that I do. Without that privilege, youre likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (Thats how systems of oppression work.)

I have to be conscientious of this power disparity in my work, but awareness has value only if it leads to changed behavior and sustained action. This recognition is just one small step, and an acknowledgment that I will not accurately capture everyones lived experiences in this book.

I am grateful to each and every person who has so generously shared such intimate details of their life with me. And if weve never spoken, I hope that you will see your own stories reflected in those I tell here, and that they will give you the confidence you need to set the limits that will set you free.