Lauren Kozlowski - Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Overcoming the Traumatic Bond in a Narcissistic Relationship

The Trauma Bond Test

I n order to understand if this is the right book for you, Id like to begin with a trauma bond test. This will help you work out if youre in an abusive relationship and are trapped in a toxic trauma bond, or if youre still trauma bonded to an ex-spouse. Answer the following questions honestly, taking the time to think about the truth of your situation before you answer them.

You may be in the undeniably tight grasp of a suffocating trauma bond if you exhibit the following behaviors or thoughts:

You know that your partner or ex is abusive and purposely manipulative, but you cant seem to be able to let go of them. You give a lot of thought and rumination to the many incidents of abuse youve endured, you engage in bouts of self-blame, and the abuser is the negotiator of your self-esteem and self-worth. Despite the pain and hurt they make you feel, letting go isnt something you feel capable of.

You often walk on eggshells in an attempt to try to appease or please your abuser. Despite the fact that they give you very little in return (apart from perhaps a few crumbs of affection), you find tiptoeing around them is something you have to do in order to keep the peace in your search for normality.

You feel like youre addicted to them. You seek out their validation and approval, and you feel like you need this from them, as it acts as a source of comfort for you. Their approval is a shelter of comfort, particularly after incidents of abuse. This indicates a strong psychological attachment to the abuser.

You find that you defend your abuser no matter what they do, and keep their wicked, hurtful side a secret from others. You might have been in a tough situation where youve refused to press charges against your abuser, or youve defended them against those who tried to tell you that theyre toxic. In all likelihood, you perhaps even present your relationship as a happy, loving one to your peers and family, attempting to minimize their abusive tendencies. You may also find that you exaggerate any positive behaviors they offer out occasionally, in an attempt to show your abuser in a favorable light.

Should you attempt to leave the abuser, you find that you always give in to the abusers fake remorse, their pitiful crocodile tears, and their promises to change in the future. Despite the pattern of abuse and its toxic cycle being clearly evident, you grasp onto the misplaced hope that things can get better.

You may have developed some self-sabotaging behaviors and could engage in some form of self-harm to dissociate yourself from the pain of the abuse. You may also find that youre prone to engaging in other self-sabotaging behaviors, such as heavy drinking or taking drugs; this is often to mask the profound sense of shame caused by the abuse.

You are fully prepared to lower your standards for this cruel, toxic person, accepting what you previously thought of as unacceptable or a deal breaker. This happens time after time, and you may find that as the abuse continues, you accept more horrific and damaging abuse each time.

You change your behavior and personality in an attempt to meet the abusers ever-moving goalposts, despite the fact that the abuser rarely (if ever) changes their behavior to please you.

Did some of these resonate with you? Did you read these and find that you could apply them to your own situation, or that some of my descriptions run parallel to your circumstances? If the answer is yes to any of these, then its likely youre in the tightly wound grip of an abusive relationship, bound to your abuser by a toxic trauma bond.

It can be hard to accept the notion that youre in an abusive relationship, let alone accept the idea that youre traumatically bonded to this person; for a lengthy period of my life, I shunned the idea I was trauma bonded. Instead, I chose to believe I was pursuing the chance of happiness that I had with my abuser (although I didnt refer to him as my abuser at the time). I believed I was fighting for a true, genuine love, and that obtaining happiness wasnt easy or everyone would have it. Enduring tough times with my abuser was just testing my commitment to this person, I thought.

Looking back on myself then, I can see I was merely making excuses as to why I was staying in such a toxic, nasty, hurtful, soul-crushing relationship. I didnt want to face up to the truth that I was being abused, nor did I ever want to believe that I was attached to my abuser so deeply that I would endure any amount of pain to be with him. So, instead, I maintained my stance that I was with him because I loved him, and in his own way, he loved me back.

Confusing genuine love and the trauma bond is incredibly easy to do. Lines get blurred beyond comprehension, particularly when youre in a foggy state of mind due to being treated so despicably.

If you did connect with any of the scenarios I mentioned, then I think this book can be of use to you. Itll help you understand what a trauma bond is, focusing on the bond that is developed when youre in an emotionally abusive, narcissistic relationship. It will give you a broad overview of this toxic bond and how it develops and eventually wraps around your entire being. More than this, I want to offer some advice on how you can go about breaking this toxic bond. I understand that just because youre reading this, it doesnt mean youre ready to leave your abuser yet - I know how long it took me to muster the strength to break away from my abuser. But having the tools you need already embedded into your mind is a helpful asset to have when you come to want to sever the ties you have with your abuser.

You may have already left your abuser, but are still struggling with the trauma bond. The invisible cord that ties you to them isnt so easily cut, and simply leaving the relationship isnt always enough to snip that malignant thread thats tethered to you. If this is your situation, then this book can help you get a deeper understanding of why its so difficult to let go, as well as offering you some survival tips on your journey to recovering from a trauma bond.

What is Trauma Bonding to a Narcissist?