Mia Warren - Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: a Complete Guide to Divorce a Narcissistic Ex and to Heal from a Toxic Relationship. How to be a Good Mother While Recovering from Emotional Abuse.

CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST

A complete guide to divorce a Narcissistic Ex and to heal from a Toxic Relationship. How to be a good mother while recovering from emotional abuse

Mia Warren

Copyright 2020 Mia Warren

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Introduction

Choosing to divorce is especially difficult when it is unclear whether divorcing will improve the lives of your children or make their lives less happy or less safe. Many parents base their decisions about divorce on the best interests of their children, but it is not always evident which path will better serve the childrens needs. Staying together in an unhappy marriage may mean that children grow up in an unhappy family. This could affect how children learn to view relationships, which could hurt their future partnering. However, if parents who stay together in these marriages do a good job of insulating the children from their conflict and treating one another with respect, the children may end up relatively unscathed. For some families, on the other hand, divorce is the best option for the well-being of the children.

The need to develop a working co-parenting relationship is another crucial task faced by parents. Joint parenting has challenged even intact families, as we each have preferences for how our children should be raised and our priorities for how to spend time and money. During and after divorce, these challenges increase. There are logistical issues to consider, such as the need to exchange the children and some of their belongings back and forth from one parent to the other, often several times per week. There is also the need to communicate about decisions that must be made about the children, even though the parents may have a hard time speaking to each other civilly about anything.

One of the biggest pitfalls for families of divorce is parental conflict. For many families, conflict lessens after the divorce is finalized, but for others, the conflict remains a key issue. It may occur because of strong feelings each parent has about the divorce itself, but it may also result from fundamentally different beliefs the parents hold about how to raise their children. If not kept in check, the conflict between co-parents is arguably the most damaging aspect of divorce for children.

Now that we have touched on some ways that divorce affects parents, we want to take a close look at how divorce affects children. This information will be useful as you prepare a parenting plan with your co-parent and as you engage in day-to-day parenting and co-parenting after the divorce.

The decision to divorce is complicated when divorce conflicts with a parents values, such as when a parents religious beliefs prohibit divorce or when a parent feels a moral obligation to stay with a spouse due to that spouses physical, emotional, or financial needs. Finances become particularly relevant when resources are insufficient to provide for two homes. If one or both parents have limited social support, this too may influence the ultimate decision about divorce.

If a couple decides that a separation would be appropriate and safety issues are not a concern, the separation should occur only after a plan is in place for how the parents will share time with the children and how other matters affecting the family will be handled. During the separation, both parents are still parents, and coordination of co-parenting is critical. Good co-parenting is necessary to help the children cope with such a major change in the family. How the parents handle this period is a good measure of how they will handle these issues in the future. Successful co-parenting during separation affirms for parents that they will be able to work as a team on their childrens behalf if a divorce does occur.

While the length of the separation depends on the specific circumstances of the family, it is our experience that a period of three to six months is appropriate to achieve the goal of determining if the marriage should continue. A period shorter than three months may not be a sufficient test of what it feels like to live separately, and it is not long enough to expect marriage therapy to resolve the couples issues. On the other hand, a period greater than six months is rarely necessary. With few exceptions, if parents are unable to decide on the fate of their marriage within six months, it is unlikely that they will gain clarity just by taking a larger amount of time apart. There is also a danger inherent to overextending a separation, as it may lead both spouses to stay stuck in marital limbo.

Marriage and the Narcissist

H ere is a compilation of questions you can ask yourself to determine whether you married a narcissist.

Your partner seems to be two different people

He's the decent guy in public and a cruel, vicious fright at home. Sound acquainted? If it does, you could be living with a narcissist. The narcissist is highly concerned with what people think of him, and he is often a quintessence citizen in public.

At home behind closed doors, he is displeasing, lewd, cruel, or even physically abusive. This can be for any reason - or no reason at all that you can decipher - but most often, when he does not get his way or does not receive the reverence he feels he deserves. He reacts with unbelievable rage when criticized - or when he assumes he was criticized.

Your partner attempt to manipulate others against you

A narcissist lies about you to your friends, family, and even your children. He propagates nasty rumors about you; he tries to share your secrets all in an attempt to turn other people against you. The narcissist perceives you as a rival for attention from these people, and as such, he has to destroy your reputation so that they do not give you any of the love, admiration, or attention he yearns all for himself. He wishes to destroy your good qualities and bring you down to his level.

Your partner gaslight you or play mind games

It's a form of crazy-making created to make the other person feel unsure of reality. It keeps them off-balance and vulnerable to the narcissist's domination. It's a way of controlling the other person and the conversation. Only a strong person can endure successfully repeated gaslighting. It's an alluring but harmful form of abuse that hinders a person's very perception and reality to the point that they become compliant with whatever the narcissist says. Do not be fooled; he knows very well who is manipulating who.