Sheff - Stories from the polycule: real life in polyamorous families

Praise for
The Polyamorists Next Door:
Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships
and Families

By Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, 2013

Elisabeth Sheff has dared to go where few researchers and sociologists have gone before: into the diverse private lives of polyamorous families. This book is a rich resource packed with fascinating portraits of people living, loving, and learning in nontraditional rel ationships.

Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open R elationships

The Polyamorists Next Door is an amazingly comprehensive book that is easy to read and relate to. Poly or Mono, youll find successful ways to navigate relationships interspersed in this fascinating read. I particularly loved Elisabeth Sheffs personal story for its unabashed frankness.

Allena Gabosch, Executive Director of the Center and Foundation for Sex Positive Culture and poly activist, educat or and coach

Sheffs new book is a must read for anyone with a curiosity about folks who are able to love more than one person at the same time.

Winston Wilde, DHS, LMFT, doctor of human sexuality, licensed marriage & family therapist, certified s ex therapist

We should all be so lucky as to live next door to polyamorists. Their flexibility and willingness to explore alternatives offer clues as to how all families might become more resilient. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff has made a valuable contribution to our understanding of f amily life.

Ann Schranz, Unitarian Universalists for Polyamo ry Awareness

Theres relatively little written about polyamorists, much less filled with real-world experience, making this a top pick for any collection strong in rel ationships.

Midwest Book Review

Stories From the Polycule

Stories From the Polycule

Real Life in Polyamorous Families

Edited by
Elisabeth Sheff, PhD, CSE, CASA

Stories from the Polycule

Real life in polyamorous families
Stories and illustrations 2015 by the individual contributors
Introduction and commentary 2015 by Elisabeth Sheff
Cover illustration 2015 b y Tikva Wolf

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

E-book edition v1.2

Thorntree Press, LLC
PO Box 301231
Portland, OR 97294
press@thornt reepress.com

Cover illustration by Tikva Wolf,
creator of Kimchi Cuddles
E-book layout by Franklin Veaux
Cover and interior design by Val Heimpel
Copy-editing by Roma Ilnyckyj
Proofreading by Amy Haagsma

Publishers Cataloging-In-Publication Data
(Prepared by The Donohue Group, Inc.)

Stories from the polycule : real life in polyamorous families / edited by
Dr. Elis abeth Sheff.

1 electronic resource : illustrations

Issued also in print.
ISBN: 978-0-9913997-8-9

1. Non-monogamous relationships--Literary collections. 2. Non-monogamous relationships--Anecdotes. 3. Families--Literary collections. 4. Families--Anecdotes. 5. Anecdotes. I. Sheff, Elis abeth, 1969-

HQ980 .S76 2015eb
306.84/23

Preface

This is a collection of stories written by people who are, have been, or could possibly be in polyamorous families. Contributors range in age from five years old to sixty-five years old. Some stories are brimming with optimism, others filled with despair. All of them come from the heart.

Stories from the Polycule is composed of six sections. Part 1, In the beginning, is a collection of stories about how people intentionally start or accidentally end up in poly relationships, when poly folks try to figure out how to be together and ride the exciting feelings at the beginning of relationships. In part 2, This is what a poly family looks like, contributors explore the range of emotions and complexities, and mundanities, that come with daily life in poly families. At the kids table, part 3, presents stories by and about children and parents, and about growing up in a poly family. Part 4, Things fall apart, explores the difficulties and endings that can come with poly relationships. For the long haul, part 5, explains how some families stay together, even when they are far apart. The book closes with part 6, Racy bits, a lighthearted peek at the erotic side of adult poly f amily life.

I hope you enjoy reading the anthology as much as I have relished putting it together. Thank you to all of the wonderful contributors who made this book possible, the fabulous team at Thorntree Press, and my excellent family, who have supported me while I have brought this project to fruition.

Part I: In the beginning

Five lessons on the learning curve

Zac

Q: What happens if you fall in love with someone whos polyamorous, when you arent even aware it is an option?

A : You learn.

I dont even know if this is unusual in the poly community, as I only experience it via my poly partner. About a year ago, I fell completely head over heels in love with a poly woman.

Who was seeing one of my b est friends.

He, and his wife, had recently started seeing her, and I only found out about their relationship a piece at a time. Having known them both for twenty years, I was a little surprised that they never mentioned it to me. It was my future love who did that. I was only a little surprised, and then only at their coyness about it. I had rather hoped that this was the sort of thing they could have mentioned to me without shame. I am, and always have been, comfortable with anyones sexuality or gender decisions. However, I had never (knowingly!) been around someone who was polyamorous.

From the first moment we met, M and I seemed to need to flirt with each other, there were long lingering looks, lots of laughter and me trying very hard to be comforting, funny and impressive, though I certainly didnt think this fabulous, free person would be interested in me, let alone make room in what seemed to be a very busy life, as she talked happily about other partners.

My long-atrophied radar never picked up that she was flirting back. Just as well she was well-versed in the art of flirting with nerdy men. Ill come and stay with you for the weekend and we can get to know each other a little better, she said with a wink, before sending me off to my own bed. The next morning she left to deal with a family crisis after a short phone call. I made her tea and helped carry her bags, clinging to what I thought were to be the last moments I could spend with her, under the guise of help, wishing I could say something to soothe her anguish. I thought Id never se e her again.

However, in the following weeks there were e-mails , IMs and phone calls, slotted in around our lives like packing materials (if packing materials were ever more interesting than the objects they protect), and finally a date was set for the visit.

In all the heady rush and excitement I realised I hadnt given a great deal of thought to what would happen if I actually got to be with this woman. What would her lifestyle mean for me? I had kinda thought I could flirt with impunity, that this vivacious, sexy woman, with wit, brains and a wealth of common sense was so far out of my league that it was never going to happen.

Lesson 1 In poly, the pressure to be everything to someone is lifted. A single facet of a person ca n be enough.

I devoted a great deal of time trying to focus on whether I was being honest, right down to the personal level, about my feelings about poly. Intellectually, I was more than fine with it. I am an anarchist at heart, and this new way of dealing with relationships seemed eminently logical. I internally role-played how it would feel for her to leave me to spend time with another lover, the worries that, compared to other partners, I wouldnt measure up (she did seem to move in a fairly intellectual crowd of very urbane, witty folk), and whether it would feel awkward to hang around with my friend afte r this date.