Webb - Data, a love story: how I gamed online dating to meet my match

DUTTON

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Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First printing, February 2013

Copyright 2013 by Amy Webb

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Webb, Amy, 1974

Data, a love story : how I gamed online dating to meet my match / Amy Webb.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-101-60971-2

1. Online dating. 2. Dating (Social customs) 3. Webb, Amy. I. Title.

HQ801.82.W43 2013

306.730285dc23

2012029016

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the authors alone.

For Brian,
who continues to score a perfect 1,500.

And for Bella,
who would have given him 100 points extra.

Contents

Introduction

This isnt a typical introduction.
Start here first!

I want to tell you from the outset that my story has a happy ending. I eventually met the man of my dreams, and we had a storybook wedding. We started a family, bought a great house, and are in the process of living happily ever after. But the events that led up to my finding him and settling down were sometimes harrowing, were often depressing, and at one point involved me taking a trip with a color-coded set of spreadsheets to see a therapist.

Im getting ahead of the story, though.

For many years, I dated the wrong men, and though we were initially happy, all of my relationships came to a pretty terrible end. In between, I patiently agreed to be set up. I went to bars and clubs, trying to appear nonchalant and relaxed, as if that would attract the perfect man. I quickly found that least expecting it was not a reasonable path to true love. After a particularly bad date one night, which culminated in my drinking a whole bottle of wine and scribbling a bunch of formulas and theories down on notebook paper like a crazed mad scientist, I realized that weve all been going about finding our matches the wrong way. Whether were dating in the real world or online, were relying too much now on hope and happenstance. And these days, algorithms, too. We dont allow ourselves to think about what we really want in a partner, and then we dont sell ourselves in order to get it.

The problem, you see, doesnt have to do with a lack of good people left to date.

The problem is us. Its you and me. Our friends, our families. Hell, Im even going to place blame on all the dating and relationship books on our physical and virtual shelves. Men arent some strange foreign planet women must explore and conquer. And not all women are emotionally intelligent or have mysterious hormones coursing through them. Were complex beings. If you want true love and a long-lasting marriage, you need to start by figuring out what makes you happy.

When you turn this page, youre going to join me in the middle of a storybook romance that ended in heartbreak. Then youll follow me on all the terrible dates that followed. Youll be there on the night that I smoked too many cigarettes, drank too much wine, and made a very long list of requirements for all future dates. And for what inevitably came next: making a decision to game the system, using math, data, and loopholes. Youll learn, as I did, which keywords, types of photos, and other qualities make for a successful online dating profile. And once youve found the right person for you, what it is you should do next: how soon to make contact, how to keep scoring your own list, and how to approach those critical first few dates.

You will probably laugh at memaybe out loud, while youre reading this in bed or commuting on a train. You will most definitely shake your head. What in the hell was this woman thinking? youll wonder. In fact, youll say that a lot in Chapters 6 and 7. Your cheeks will grow hot a few times. Its okaymy sister was deeply embarrassed for me too.

But dont worry. All of my initial missteps and eventual dating experiments were worth the effort. Like I said, this is a story with a happy ending.

1 Missed Connections

He quoted me to me.

H ilary pierced the heaviest of my cardboard boxes with a pair of opened scissors, trying to penetrate the layers of tape Id used to secure everything. You pack like Dad, she said. This thing is hermetically sealed. What do you have in here?

Books, I mumbled, standing between two suitcases in the living room of what was now my new home. It was a small one-bedroom row-house apartment near the Philadelphia Museum of Art. From the window, I had a gorgeous view of the river and trees below, which provided a good alternative to what was behind me: a dusty old futon in place of the plush couch Id been sitting on for the past year, mismatched chairs next to my parents old dining room table, and a kitchen with a two-burner stove, an oven that had no visible temperature settings, and a refrigerator that only came up to my armpit.

Still, I was relieved to be in this crappy old apartment, unpacking boxes with my sister. It was the best space available on such short notice. Id never imagined that Id find myself in this situation.

A year and a half earlier, Id left Tokyo International Airport en route to Chicago to see my family. It was my second stint living in Japan; I was working for Newsweek magazine covering pop culture and tech trends. I was twenty-eight and exploiting every opportunity that crossed my path. Did I want to jet over to Korea for the week to cover the World Cup soccer finals? Sure! Would I mind traveling to northern China to report on factory workers? Im there! Could I meet up with Japans biggest pop star and interview him about his music? You bet!