Joan E Markwell - Softening the Grief: What to Say and Do to Comfort a Bereaved Mother

Copyright 2017 by Joan E. Markwell

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, except for brief excerpts used in a review, without prior written permission from the copyright holder, which may be requested through the publisher.

Dudley Court Press

PO Box 102

Sonoita, AZ 85637

www.DudleyCourtPress.com

Cover and interior design by Dunn+Associates, www.Dunn-Design.com

Author photos by Digital Alliance

Markwell, Joan E., 1951- | Fields, Janie, 1954- |

Hollingsworth, Patricia (Patricia Ralston), 1954- | McDonald, Suzie (Suzie Vickers), 1955- Softening the grief : what to say and do to comfort a bereaved mother / Joan E. Markwell with Janie Fields, Patricia Hollingsworth, Suzie McDonald.

1st ed.

p cm.

Sonoita, AZ : Dudley Court Press, [2017]

ISBN: 978-1-940013-41-1 (paperback) | 978-1-940013-42-8 (mobi) | 978-1-940013-43-5 (epub) | LCCN: 2017942227

Children--Death. | Children--Death--Psychological aspects. | Mother and child. | Mothers--Psychology. | Parental grief. | Bereavement. | Grief. | Death--Psychological aspects. | Loss (Psychology) | Consolation. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Death, Grief, Bereavement. | PSYCHOLOGY / Grief & Loss.

LCC: BF575.G7 M37 2017 | DDC: 155.9/37092-

ISBN (paperback): 978-1-940013-41-1

ISBN (mobi): 978-1-940013-42-8

ISBN (epub): 978-1-940013-43-5

LCCN: 2017942227

To the children who have gone before us

Melissa Dawn Fields

Jamie Flynt

Keeley Knuteson Hollingsworth

Cynthia J. Peterson

W e want to acknowledge all of the bereaved mothers who have contributed to this book. To those who have answered our questions, we thank you for your time and honesty. To those who could not answer our questions, we realize that says a lot also. Thank you.

We would also like to acknowledge:

Gay Barnard and Lisa J. Fields Thank you for letting us bounce ideas off you.

Lisa G. Fields, Debbie Moore, and Cheryl Powell Thank you for typing and listening.

Cheryl Steenerson Thank you for adding all the commas and comments.

Kathy Buckman Thank you for spending all of those hours typing and retyping and retyping.

Vicki Hicks - Thank you for digging through photographs.

John Greenwell and Suzan Johnson Thank you for reviewing our manuscript and providing suggestions.

Barbara McNichol Thank you for being the editor who saw the possibilities of using our experiences to help others.

Gail Woodard with Dudley Court Press Thanks for taking us up a few (lots of) notches.

Kenneth Stevenson and Andrew Bennett with Digital Alliance Thank you for the videos and photos.

Missy, Jamie, Keeley, and Cindy Thank you for the legacy you have left behind. In turn, it allows your mothers to leave their legacies behind through this book, Softening the Grief.

Through the pages of this book, we want you to know our four loved ones who left this earth too soon. By way of introduction, please read the brief descriptions of their lives and accomplishments in .

Janies daughter Melissa (Missy)

Suzies son Jamie

Pattys daughter Keeley

Joans daughter Cindy

W e belong to a secret society. Membership is mandatory to those who have lost a child. Without choice, they become lifetime members, keeping this secret close to their hearts until their final days.

We members stand by ourselves in a room full of people, but were never alone. We carry this secret of painful loss everywhere. Holding it in can make us react in ways we cant predict, much less understand. We do our daily chores clutching this silent secret that engulfs our hearts, minds, and souls. Often, it sits heavy on shoulders already burdened with sadness.

We crave to know our loved ones arent forgotten, yet we hide this secret inside because others run from its mention. Still, the sweet-sounding names of our beloved children remain our steadfast companions. And turning inward to hear their names again brings a spark of love that only we feel.

Joan Markwell
April 2017

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathing in, then breathing out; that will make it go away. Concentrate on that one thing, just breathing.

Y et try as we might, it keeps coming back. Our childrens pain, their passings, and the unimaginable circumstances of their deaths will not leave our minds. Theres no way of trying not to think that keeps the pain from enveloping our minds. Its simply not that easy.

Thus, we offer our help to assist bereaved mothers through a period that involves her worst nightmarelosing her child. Who knows the right thing to say or do for grieving mothers and those helping them cope with their loss?

I cant believe you just said that to me. That phrase reflects the thoughts we often experience. Others unintentionally painful comments and actions can make our grief journey all that more difficult.

A fresh understanding of this unimaginable loss prompted me to do something to ease the suffering of other grieving mothers. This is true for three other bereaved mothers who can provide insight into our minds as well as tools to assist other mothers needing comfort. Softening the Grief is the result.

We wrote this book to educate those who can make a difference in how bereaved mothers can be comforted, supported, and encouraged. Consider the advice within these pages a new way to console your grieving loved ones.

Our suggestions to you come from the heart. We dont condemn those who make thoughtless comments, nor are we angry with them.

We acknowledge that, until one experiences the life-changing trauma of losing a child, we are all pitifully uneducated to deal with grief of this magnitude.

Janie, Suzie, Patty, and Joan E.all mothers of deceased childrenhave written this book from a grieving mothers viewpoint, not only ours but dozens of grieving mothers weve talked with. Whats expressed in these chapters is felt by the majority of them. Softening the Grief doesnt pertain to a single event or something one person has said. Rather, these universal topics weave a common thread through the grief felt and shared by many we know and millions we dont know.

J OAN E. I am a mother who has lost her child. I cannot process this alone. I need you. I know you can be there for me, if only you knew how. Let me show you the way. I have experienced the terror and trauma experienced by those who have somehow survived our children. Writing this book allows me to share hard-earned knowledge that can help you gain a better understanding of any bereaved mothers in your life. It can also help other grieving mothers by assuring them they arent alone in their struggle to survive.