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ISBN: Print 978-1-64739-952-8 | eBook 978-1-64739-563-6
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To anyone who has experienced the pain of relationship conflict, may these tools help diminish the likelihood of such pain in the future.
CONTENTS
Jessie was not happy.
Shed been working for me for only a few months when COVID-19 erupted and my company took a 90 percent hit in new business. In a scramble to stay afloat and keep my contractors working, I shifted my team members roles and hours, assigning each of them new projects to complete while their normal tasks were rendered temporarily obsolete. But it was obvious Jessie was aggravated and demotivated. I couldnt figure out why. As a conflict resolution specialist who teaches leaders and managers how to achieve and maintain employee satisfaction, this failure hit me particularly hard.
Thinking I was close to losing a valuable employee, I called Jessie. She opened the floodgates, explaining how frustrated she felt as a result of the sudden role changes, which happened without much collaboration or input from the team. Instinctively I felt defensive, not empathetic. Did she not understand I was doing my best? It took all my internal resources just to keep from hanging up.
But I stayed on the phone. I didnt react emotionally. I heard what she was saying and how she interpreted my actions. I took responsibility for my lack of clear communication, reassuring her that I valued her work. Eventually the dust settled, and I felt humbled once again by a fundamental yet challenging truth of conflict and peace psychology: Two people can have completely different understandings of the same event.
Despite my experience in the field, I still find myself in conflicts from time to time. And why shouldnt I? Conflict is a natural part of social life. In fact, its one of the key drivers of innovation, deeper relationships, and personal growth. Of course, that all depends on how we handle conflict. Certainly conflict can become destructive, but short of that, the friction affords us a tremendous opportunity to create new and exciting solutions to the same old problems. This is true both at work and in our personal lives. Whether arguments with spouses and friends, heated debates with coworkers, or disagreements with difficult managers or employees, all types of conflicts can follow a creative or destructive path (and sometimes both).
Often when people engage in conflict, they believe it is the other persons fault, as though one side could be solely responsible for the issue. They stew over it, clinging to any evidence that they are right and the other party is wrong, replaying the scenario in their heads, holding on to resentment and a sense of justice like badges of honor in their righteous fight.
In truth, conflict almost always requires the participation of more than one party. Though entering conflicts is natural, effectively resolving those conflicts and the feelings they rouse is not. It takes effort, knowledge, and the practiced application of conflict resolution skills, which are not always easy to implement but are worth the effort. They are among the most important skills I have learned, and continue to learn, with regard to building and maintaining professional and personal relationships, harboring less resentment, and creating collaborative environments. When you know how to use them, its like knowing how a magician does his tricks; they allow us to see past misunderstandings and misperceptions and direct conversations back to the here and now, where we can find common ground.
Over the past decade, my mission has been to help individuals and groups in all walks of life find greater peace within themselves and among one another. The mission of this book is much the same, although it focuses exclusively on interpersonal conflict resolution in both professional and personal relationships. youll discover strategies for dealing with common conflicts, like those involving gaslighters and bullies.
These strategies may not feel natural at first, but with time and a bit of practice, they can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
To build lasting peace in your life, its important to first lay a strong foundation. In this opening section, youll obtain a deeper appreciation for the basic human needs that drive conflict when unfulfilled. Youll also discover a set of basic communication skills that are critical for conflict resolution. Together, these two chapters will help you get the most out of the strategies in .
Conflict is tricky. It can show up in anticipated or mysterious ways, occur between enemies or lovers, and last for moments or decades. The field of conflict resolution is vast, addressing many themes with a variety of methods. To initially understand how to resolve conflict, its important to gain a better understanding of conflict itself, including where it comes from, why it cuts so deep, and how it can be valuable.
