Ken Sande - Resolving Everyday Conflict

Resolving Everyday Conflict

Copyright 2011

Peacemaker Ministries

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations identified NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Published by Baker Books

A division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.bakerbooks.com

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

E-book edition created 2011

ISBN 978-1-4412-3217-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Contents

Introduction

W elcome!

Since you picked up this book, theres a good chance youre experiencing some conflict in your life. Welcome to the club!

Conflict is a normal part of life. As long as you live around other people, youre going to find your opinions and actions bumping up against someone elses. Sometimes youll be able to simply back off and go your own way. But you have probably discovered that sometimes walking away doesnt work.

Many relationships are too important to walk away from. Some issues are too big to give in to. And some people just wont let go until they get everything they want. Add a variety of intense emotions to the mix, and conflict can get very messy and painful.

But it doesnt have to be that way. If you keep reading this book, youll discover that conflict doesnt have to be painful or destructive. As you learn Gods ways of resolving conflict, you can approach conflict as an opportunity to make relationships closer and stronger, to find solutions that are fair for everyone, andbest of allto please and honor God.

Please and honor God? Ill bet that isnt the first thing you think of when conflict strikes. Well, it wasnt for me either. For the first twenty-five years of my life, my chief goal in conflict was to please and honor myself and get what I wanted. God was not in the picture. As a result, when I encountered conflict, I either walked over others or simply gave up on difficult relationships.

But while I was working as an engineer in the medical field, Jesus came into my life in a personal and powerful way. He began to change me in ways that turned my priorities upside down. He also gave me new insights and skills for dealing with difficult people. As a result, I became a more productive employee and was promoted. My friends told me I was a lot easier to be around!

God continued to transform me into a peacemaker during law school and my early days as an attorney. In one conflict after anothersome of which had been tied up in court for yearsGod was working through me to bring peace in seemingly impossible situations.

I found peacemaking to be so rewarding that I became a full-time Christian conciliator in 1982. Since then I have been privileged to see how Gods peacemaking principles can be used to stop divorces, rebuild marriages, restore friendships, reunite churches, settle lawsuits, and even bring peace between warring tribes in Africa and Asia. Seriously!

If you want to learn how to apply these principles in your life, keep reading this book. If you take these concepts seriously, your marriage, friendships, and job will never be the same. Instead of running away from conflict or being the one who always seems to make it worse, you can become the person others count on to bring understanding, justice, and reconciliation.

If you find the principles in this book helpful and want to dig deeper on specific peacemaking issues, read my book The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, which has been translated into eleven languages and is being used around the world to teach Christians how to resolve conflict. For more information on Peacemaker Ministries resources, testimonies, training, or services, visit www.Peacemaker.net .

May God transform you more and more into a peacemaker and use you to bring peace into the lives of those around you.

Ken Sande

The Nature of Conflict

What It Is and Where It Comes From

I travel often for work, and eating in restaurants can grow old. When I finally reach home, theres only one place I want to eat: our kitchen table. But while Im away, Corlettes hands have been full managing our family, so when I get back, she loves to eat any place but home!

In the early days of our marriage, our differing desires on where to eat could lead to ridiculously intense conflict. When Corlette met me at the airport, I would hug the kids, kiss her cheek, and then quickly ask, So whats for dinner?

Sometimes she responded, Ken, its been a crazy day. I didnt have time to make anything. Can we just go out?All too often my selfishness kicked in. With a deep sigh I replied, Okay, if you really want to. But I wish youd think of me once in a while. Ive been on the road for days, all alone in drab hotel rooms, eating out three times a day. Id just love a home-cooked meal.

Me think about someone else?! Corlette might reply. You didnt even ask what kind of day Ive had. The kids have been impossible. I had to take Mom to the doctor. And the dog threw up all over the carpet. But all youre thinking about is my pulling together a big meal for you!

Sometimes one of us realized we were sliding down a slippery slope and saw it was time to turn the conversation in a different direction. Other times, Im ashamed to say, we headed further downhill before we realized how selfish we were acting.

Never-Ending Conflict

Arent you tired of all the fighting? From our homes to our neighborhoods, workplaces, schools, and churches, conflict surrounds us. As a lawyer and full-time Christian mediator, I have seen thousands of conflicts up close. I have witnessed divorce and custody battles, neighborhood feuds, personal injury actions, contract disputes, and church splits. As a former engineer and now as a ministry leader, I know how quickly a workplace can become poisoned by disagreements. As a husband and father, I understand the day-to-day frustrations families face at home.

Because I live in the same world you do, I know that chances are, youve experienced conflict recently as well. Perhaps youre experiencing the anguish of an unreconciled relationship right now.

I want to give you another way of handling conflict that you can use the rest of your life. Even though conflict is present in every part of life, I have seen peace come even to the most hopeless situations. I have watched people learn to work through the most severe differences, turning frustration into opportunity. They overcome division and enjoy harmony. Their anger gives way to love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom. How do these amazing changes happen? Through a special kind of peacemaking . This peacemaking is applying the gospel and Gods principles for problem solving to everyday life.