Gary Harper - The Joy of Conflict Resolution: Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR

THE JOY OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Garys warmth, knowledge, and experience shine through this lively, fresh and inviting approach to conflict resolution.

He guides us through the rough waters of conflict to the joy that comes when we connect deeper than our differences.

Gary, is truly a Warrior of the Heart in every way.

Jerilyn Brusseau, Co-founder, PeaceTrees Vietnam

In language we can all understand and with situations weve all suffered through, Joy of Conflict is a must for employees, managers, parents and anyone who values their relationships with others.

Paul Choudhury, P.Eng. Manager, System Control,

British Columbia Transmission Corporation

This book provides us with a new refreshing perspective, presenting difficult concepts in a very user friendly way which allows us to better understand the sources of conflict around us, providing practical tools that can be put to use by everyone. It is by far one of the best books

Ive seen on workplace conflict.

Jaylene Chew, Human Resources Professional

By using easy to relate to everyday stories, Gary encourages us to move from being stuck in our reoccurring patterns of conflict. The opportunities to reflect and practice at the end of each chapter makes learning new ways to

respond in conflict accessible to everyone.

Pam White, Director, Centre for Conflict Resolution Justice Institute of BC

Gary Harpers adroit use of the story-telling model and his common sense narrative approach casts a fresh perspective on the dynamics of conflict and is rich with the kind of insight that enhances problem-solving tool kits for

organizations and individuals.

Kevin Evans, Vice President, Western Canada,

Retail Council of Canada

This is a valuable read for anyone wanting a quick and accessible understanding of the conflict that has captured them and how to get out of it.

Gerald Monk, author of Narrative Mediation

The Joy of Conflict manages to open doors to the world of conflict and conflict resolution with humor,

creativity and insight. Its an adventure in reading and reflection that I would recommend to anyone who

lives or works with anyone else.

Michael Fogel, J.D., LL.B., M.Ed. (Counselling

Psychology) former judge, presently a mediator

and conflict resolution/leadership educator

The Joy of Conflict Resolution and its simple portrayal of victims, villains, and heroes has enabled me effectively address issues by being aware of the role I play during a conflict. Through Garys illustrative humor, this book is an easy read and contains a wealth of information and tools on how to

effectively deal with people. I think The Joy of Conflict Resolution would be a welcome addition to any technical support

persons daily reading.

George Young, MCSE

Bentall Capital, Manager, IT Infrastructure

Garys story-telling approach transforms theory and experience into living colour. A wonderful approach of insight and skill development that I recommend without hesitation.

Neil Godin, President, Neil Godin International Ltd.

NEW SOCIETY PUBLISHERS

Cataloguing in Publication Data:

A catalog record for this publication is available from the National Library of Canada.

Copyright 2004 by Gary Harper.

All rights reserved.

Cover design and illustration by Diane McIntosh.

Illustrations by Derek Toye.

Printed in Canada by Friesens.

New Society Publishers acknowledges the support of the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program (BPIDP) for our publishing activities.

Paperback ISBN: 0-86571-515-7

Inquiries regarding requests to reprint all or part of The Joy of Conflict Resolution should be addressed to New Society Publishers at the address below.

To order directly from the publishers, please add $4.50 shipping to the price of the first copy, and $1.00 for each additional copy (plus GST in Canada). Send check or money order to:

New Society Publishers

P.O. Box 189, Gabriola Island, BC V0R 1X0, Canada

1-800-567-6772

New Society Publishers mission is to publish books that contribute in fundamental ways to building an ecologically sustainable and just society, and to do so with the least possible impact on the environment, in a manner that models this vision. We are committed to doing this not just through education, but through action. We are acting on our commitment to the worlds remaining ancient forests by phasing out our paper supply from ancient forests worldwide.

This book is one step towards ending global deforestation and climate change.

It is printed on acid-free paper that is 100% old growth forest-free (100%

post-consumer recycled), processed chlorine free, and printed with vegetable based, low VOC inks. For further information, or to browse our full list of books and purchase securely, visit our website at: www.newsociety.com NEW SOCIETY PUBLISHERS

www.newsociety.com

To the bridge builder and peacemakerin each of us

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments.....................................

Introduction.........................................

CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES................

Fairy tales of conflict................................

Roles we play......................................

Beyond the drama triangle............................

CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX.................

Grow up, already..................................

My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor...........

Themes from the playground.........................

Its hard to see the picture when youre in the frame.......

Conflict as its own reward...........................

The roots of defensiveness...........................

CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES......................

Elements of conflict stories..........................

What drives us?...................................

Our conflict dramas................................

When did the knife go in?...........................

The journey from confrontation to collaboration..........

CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-OIL INC..................

Co-workers in conflict..............................

Black Friday......................................

CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG...................

Book em, Dinah..................................

Motive and impact.................................

Book em, Dinah (revisited)..........................

CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT.............

The three legs of conflict............................

Big Bob goes bananas..............................

Diagnosing resistance..............................

Respecting process needs............................

Stabilizing the emotion.............................

Big Bob goes bananas (revisited)......................

CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN.............

Responses to anger................................