Maggie Hartley - Too Scared to Cry

The other day I sat down and worked out how many children Ive looked after ever since I started fostering over twenty years ago. And you know what? Even I was shocked when I counted over 300 kids. That includes children who have stayed with me for one night and those who Ive fostered for years, until theyve reached adulthood.

Every child that comes through my door has a story to tell and now I want to share some of them with you. For this particular case Im going back quite a few years. Out of all the hundreds of children Ive looked after, this placement sticks in my mind because I had never seen such a traumatised young baby as Noah. The younger they are, the harder it is to bear.

My main concern is to protect the children that have been in my care. For this reason, all names and identifying details have been changed, including my own, and no locations have been included. But I can assure you that all my stories are based on real-life cases of the many children that Ive been lucky enough to have cared for.

Thanks for reading,

Maggie Hartley

It wasnt your normal Sunday night in our house. While most people were having a quiet evening in front of the telly, getting ready for their first day back at work or school after the weekend, we were having a showdown.

You see, my seventeen-year-old foster daughter Kate had just dropped the bombshell that she was pregnant.

Oh Kate, I sighed. Why?

After everything thats happened with my family, I just want a family of my own, she told me.

But we are your family, I said.

I know you are but its not the same, she said.

I understood what she meant because Id seen it in teenagers who had grown up in the care system many times before. That desperate need to have someone who biologically belonged to them. A blood relative. A baby would love her unconditionally, whereas her own parents hadnt. It didnt mean I was happy about the news though.

You know that you and the baby can live here, I said. Theres no question of that. Im just a little bit disappointed thats all.

Kate was halfway through a course in nursery nursing at the local college. She and her boyfriend Karl had a volatile relationship and they werent together any more. Id wanted her to finish her course and find a job, not be struggling to get by as a single mum. I had wanted her to get settled on her own and enjoy independence for a while first.

Do you want to ring your social worker and tell her the news or shall I? I asked.

Please, Maggie, will you do it? she said sheepishly. I dont think shes going to be very happy about it.

I think youre right, I said.

Kates social worker Marion wasnt one to mince words, and would be sure to tell her straight. Kate was seventeen and would be out of the care system in less than a year, on her own and with a child of her own to care for. Although there was nothing we could have done to stop her getting pregnant, I knew Marion would be as disappointed as I was.

Id been fostering Kate for the past four years, ever since her relationship with her parents had broken down. Her father had thrown her out and Social Services had placed her with me. Since then, shed slowly taken steps in the right direction. I couldnt help feeling that this was a bit of a setback.

Why are you arguing? asked eight-year-old Oliver, coming down the stairs.

Were not arguing, lovey, I said. Kate and I are having a discussion about something.

Oliver had come to live with me around the same time as Kate. Hed been put into care by his mother who couldnt cope with his disruptive behaviour. With his big blue eyes and golden ringlets, he looked like butter wouldnt melt in his mouth. But hed run rings round me to start with. Hed lashed out, had awful tantrums and used terrible language. Id soon realised that it was about attention which he hadnt got much of at home and hed soon settled down. No attempt to rehome him with his mum had worked, so hed been with me ever since.

We were interrupted by the phone ringing.

Let me just get this and well talk some more later, I told Kate. And Ollie you need to get to bed.

Its OK, she sighed. Im tired. Im going to go up to my room too.

I could see she was upset that I was disappointed in her.

Maggie? said a voice as I picked up the phone. Its Clare, one of the duty social workers from Social Services.

Oh, hi Clare, I said. What can I do for you?

Weve got a bit of a situation with Pat and I wondered if you might be able to help.

Pat was another single foster carer who lived in the same area as me.

Shes got a chest infection, she told me. Its been hanging around for weeks but its got worse and shes really poorly. Shes on antibiotics and I think she just needs a week or so in bed to recover.

Poor Pat, I said.

That obviously means she cant look after the children shes got living with her at the minute, continued Clare. So I wondered if youd be willing to help out as respite and have them for a couple of weeks while Pat gets herself right?

Of course, I said. I know Pat would do the same for me if it was the other way round.

I only had Oliver and Kate living with me, and it had been a couple of weeks since my last foster child had left a twelve-year-old girl called Ruth who had been reunited with her birth mother. So I had a spare bedroom with bunk beds and a single bed in it.

Whos Pat fostering? I asked. To be honest I didnt even know that shed got any new children in.

They only arrived four days ago. Clare explained that it was a three-year-old and a four-year-old boy.

Damian is the younger and Ben is the older, she said. I doubt theyll give you any trouble, Maggie. Ive never seen such quiet, timid little ones. Pat says theyve barely said a word.

Theyd arrived with nothing but she said that Pat had already got them kitted out with clothes and basics.

Well it sounds as if theres hardly anything for me to do, I told her.

OK, Ill drop them round to you tomorrow morning, said Clare. I dont know much about this case to be honest but Ill try and give you a bit of background on the kids then. Thanks again for helping out.

No problem, I said.

Well the week ahead was certainly shaping up to be a bit different than I had expected. With a pregnant teen and two new children coming to live with me, I had a feeling I was going to have my hands full.