Gary Chapman - The 5 Apology Languages

2022 by
GARY CHAPMAN AND JENNIFER THOMAS

This book is a revised and updated edition of The Five Languages of Apology ( 2006) and When Sorry Isnt Enough ( 2013).

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals, while some are fictitious or composites for the sake of illustration.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse
Interior design: Puckett Smartt
Cover design: Erik M. Peterson
Cover image: Light bokeh courtesy of Scott Hewitt, Unsplash
Author photo of Gary Chapman: Grooters Productions
Author photo of Jennifer Thomas: Ross Thomas Photography

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Chapman, Gary D., 1938- author. | Thomas, Jennifer, 1969- author.

Title: The 5 apology languages : the secret to healthy relationships / Gary Chapman, Jennifer Thomas.

Other titles: Five languages of apology | Five apology languages

Description: Chicago : Northfield Publishing, [2022] | Revised and updated edition of When Sorry Isnt Enough, originally published in 2006 as: The five languages of apology : how to experience healing in all your relationships. | Includes bibliographical references. | Summary: Whether fractured by major incident or minor irritation, the emotions provoked can often feel insurmountable, preventing a relationship from moving forward and the offended from moving on. Discover why certain apologies clear the path for emotional healing, reconciliation, and freedom, while others fall desperately short-- Provided by publisher.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021043381 (print) | LCCN 2021043382 (ebook) | ISBN 9780802428691 (paperback) | ISBN 9780802475039 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Apologizing. | Remorse. | Forgiveness--Religious aspects--Christianity. | Interpersonal relations--Religious aspects--Christianity. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Conflict Resolution | RELIGION / Christian Living / Family & Relationships

Classification: LCC BF575.A75 C43 2022 (print) | LCC BF575.A75 (ebook) | DDC 158.2--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021043381

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021043382

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To Karolyn, who has accepted my apologies and extended forgiveness many times through our five decades as husband and wife

_______

To my childrenRoss, Lydia, and Russell. My love for you knows no bounds.

M y daughter is late over and over again, a woman said to me. Shes a wonderful young woman, but shes just habitually lateto our house for dinner, to church, you name it. It isnt a huge deal, but I wish just once she would say she was sorry.

Another woman Ill call Lisa said, I love my husband dearly, but Im tired of repeated apologies without behavior change, especially when it comes to chores. Dont just say, Im sorry I forgot to mop the kitchen floor. Remember to do it!

Jack, fiftyish, is estranged from his brother because years ago his brother swindled him out of some money. Never has he told me he feels bad about what he did. I dont really care about the money, but I feel like he should make it right somehow, he said.

Michelle is recently divorced from Sam. However, she recognizes her part in the disintegration of their marriage, and God is leading her to seek reconciliation: Deep down, I believe that God is saying it is worth it to pursue this often untraveled road. These offenses range from annoying to life-shatteringbut in every case, a relationship needs mending. A wrong needs to be righted. Where do we start?

Sara was wondering the same thing when she came to one of my marriage seminars. Before the conference started, she came up to me and asked, Are you going to deal with the importance of apologizing?

Thats an interesting topic, I responded. Why do you ask?

Well, all my husband says is Im sorry. To me, thats not an apology.

So what do you want him to say or do? I asked.

I want him to admit that he is wrong and to ask me to forgive him. I also want him to assure me that it wont happen again.

Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have conducted extensive research on the importance of apologizing effectively, and what we have learned has convinced us that Sara is not alone in her desire to deal with issues of admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness. Apology, however, is not a word that means the same thing to everyone. That is because we have different languages of apology.

I have seen this often in my counseling, Jennifer said. One spouse says, If he would only apologize, and the other says, I have apologized. So they get into an argument about what it means to apologize. Of course, they have different perceptions.

I have observed numerous couples in my office exhibiting similar behavior. It was obvious they were not connecting with each other. The supposed apology was not having the desired effect of forgiveness and reconciliation. I also remember occasions in my own marriage when Karolyn would apologize but I considered it rather weak, and other occasions when I would apologize, but shed have a hard time forgiving me because she felt that I was insincere.

We believe that going beyond a quick Im sorrylearning to apologize effectivelycan help rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain. We believe that when we all learn to apologizeand when we understand each others apology languagewe can trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.

All of us are painfully aware of the conflict, division, anger, and strife in our world today. We will conclude, therefore, with a chapter that some may see as ethereal but we believe holds great potential: What would the world be like if we all learned to apologize effectively?

Join us as we explore what it means to be truly sorryand to move toward true forgiveness.

GARY CHAPMAN, PHD

JENNIFER THOMAS, PHD