Yvonne Castañeda - Pork Belly Tacos with a Side of Anxiety: My Journey Through Depression, Bulimia, and Addiction

with a Side of Anxiety

by Yvonne Casta

This book is a work of creative nonfiction. The events are portrayed to the best of the authors memory. While all the stories in this book are true, in certain instances, the author has compressed events, and some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Copyright 2022 Yvonne Castaeda

All rights reserved.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part or in any form or format without the written permission of the publisher.

Published by: Santa Monica Press LLC

P.O. Box 850

Solana Beach, CA 92075

1-800-784-9553

www.santamonicapress.com

Printed in the United States

ISBN-13 978-1-59580-108-1 (print)

ISBN-13 978-1-59580-784-7 (ebook)

Publishers Cataloging-in-Publication data

Names: Castaeda, Yvonne, author.

Title: Pork belly tacos with a side of anxiety : my journey through depression , bulimia , and addiction / by Yvonne Castaeda.

Description: Solana Beach, CA: Santa Monica Press, 2022.

Identifiers: ISBN: 978-1-59580-108-1 (print) | 978-1-59580-784-7 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH Castaeda, Yvonne. | Bulimia--Patients--United States--Biography. | Depressed persons--United States--Biography. | Substance abuse--Patients--Biography. | Miami (Fla.)--Biography. | Cuban Americans--Biography. | Mexican Americans--Biography. | Hispanic Americans--Biography. | Self-actualization (Psychology) | BISAC YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / Biography & Autobiography / Cultural, Ethnic & Regional | YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / Social Topics / Eating Disorders & Body Image | YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / Social Topics / Depression & Mental Illness | YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / Social Topics / Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance | YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / People & Places / United States / Hispanic & Latino | YOUNG ADULT NONFICTION / Social Topics / Drugs, Alcohol, Substance Abuse

Classification: LCC E184.S75 C37 2022 | DDC 973.0568/092--dc23

Cover and interior design and production by Future Studio

Cover illustration: Michal Sanca/Dreamstime.com

DEDICATION

To Savannah, Emma, Karina, Nikki, Becca, Jessie,

Andrew, Alessandra, and Alessio.

May you never stray from the truth.

There is a life-force

within your soul,

seek that life.

There is a gem in the

mountain of your body,

seek that mine.

O traveler, if you are

in search of that,

dont look outside,

look inside yourself

and seek That.

RUMI

I HAD BEEN SITTING ON THE IDEA TO SHARE THIS STORY for many years, and it wasnt until I entered graduate school that I found the courage to articulate my thoughts and feelings on paper, to allow myself to be vulnerable. I feel strongly that when we share our experiences, we give someone an opportunity to see themselves reflected in the pages, and perhaps provide them with the hope and strength they need to find their own path forward.

To say that it was difficult to write this story would be a massive understatement. It was triggering and scary, at times embarrassing and painful. Using words like fat and chubby to describe myself were a constant reminder that the world in which I grew up was not fully aware of the negative impact words can have on our self-perception. I use these words throughout the book to provide context for the story; however, in no way do I endorse the use of these words today. I am grateful for the way in which we, as a society, have become more mindful of our words, more considerate of others, and more compassionate toward those who suffer from mental illness and addiction. We have a long way to go, but I am hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.

I am mindful that this story may be highly triggering for anyone who is suffering or in recovery from an eating disorder or mental illness, and my hope is that this book will encourage them to make use of the resources provided in the resource section.

Thank you, reader, for honoring my story.

YVONNE CASTAEDA

HILDA, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO TO SHAKEYS Pizza? Are you feeling okay? Its after midnight. Es muy tarde.

The weekly poker game had ended, my nine-months-pregnant mother more than satisfied with her winnings as she hobbled to Tio Lionels car for a midnight pizza run. Yes, she said, Dont worry, Ill be fine. Vmonos!

They drove away from the house on Gramercy Place in downtown Los Angeles, a sharp pain causing Mami to hunch over in her seat. Aaaaayyyyyy, she said, her hand dismissing Tia Leyas suggestion that they take her home. No, comadre, she said. Im fine, dont worry. Besides, were almost there.

My father was sound asleep in their apartment on St. Andrews Place, having tried and failed to get her to come home with him. No, shed said, Im on a roll! I cant leave the game now. ndale, let me stay, s? Papi had walked home, already accustomed to Mamis maniacal obsession with poker, this love for gambling the only thing to ever get in the way of her duties as a loyal esposa.

At Shakeys, Mami ate her pizza and laughed and purposefully hid the pains in her belly, God forbid she ruin the night by opening her mouth and saying something. The pains intensified and came more frequently as the night went on, and shed bitten her tongue a million times by the time she laid down next to Papi. Unable to contain the pain, her screams pierced the night, causing Papi to shoot out of bed and call Tia Leya. Oye, I think its time, come with us to the hospital.

Papi drove fast as Mami continued to scream with each sharp pain. She was confused and scared because this delivery was feeling very different from the one shed had only three years prior when shed given birth to my brother Raz.

They arrived at French Hospital in Chinatown, Mami barely able to walk but making it to the emergency entrance, their horror palpable as they realized the entrance doors were locked. They screamed and banged on the glass with their palms, alerting the staff to their emergency as Mamis water broke right then and there. Mami was quickly whisked away in a wheelchair and wheeled into a delivery room, where a young doctor was left with no time to prep or shave Mami or even put on gloves because I couldnt wait to come into the world, my little body bursting into the atmosphere, Mami crying as the doctor placed me on her stomach and said, Its a girl! And clearly she is ready for life!

Mami would later say the nature of my arrival was a sign, a clear indication that I would grow to be fearless and strong, that I would always be hungry for life and take great measures to satisfy this insatiable appetite, that I would run toward my life rather than away. The story of my birth thus transformed into a self-fulfilling prophecy, my determination to realize this prediction possibly the reason no one considered that perhaps Id shown up in the world with a sword in one hand and mental vulnerabilities in the other.