Heather Bryant - My Trans Parent: A User Guide for When Your Parent Transitions

My
Trans
Parent

A User Guide for When
Your Parent Transitions

Heather Bryant

Be proud of your family structure. There are people out there that are like you with similar experiences, you just may not know it.

CAMERON V., AGE 22

Books like this one didnt exist when my dad was transitioning. I thought I was the only person on the whole planet with a family like mine. We met a few people through my dads therapist, but none of my friends at school, as far as I knew, had parents transitioning like mine. At the time, there were no trans people on television or in mainstream movies. We had no reference points. We didnt even have a language to talk about it. No ones family looked like mine.

This book aims to fill a gap in conversations about the many shapes of families. I hope that reading this book will provide you with a built-in community of people like you. Like me. Like all the people around the world with trans parents. This book answers questions and gives a space for more questions.

This is the book I needed as a kid, but its not one I would have sought out. I would have been reading it with the cover wrapped in brown paper under my bed with a flashlight. Nothing is different about my family. Dont look at me. I would have had Amazon deliver it to someone elses house and then gone in the night to pick it up. At the same time, I needed to know that we werent the only ones. Im still surprised to hear of other trans families, though now I know we are everywhere, across the planet and around the world.

I talked to people in Canada, Australia, Europe, and the United Kingdom, as well as every corner of the United States. Whether we were in Tennessee, or California, or Wisconsin, our feelings were often the same. There was a little boy in Oslo, Norway, back in the 80s whose family also watched the movie Tootsie . Our families were looking for our stories even though the story told in Tootsie wasnt the exact same as those of our families.

Had I known that at the same time as my parent transitioned, there was a little girl in Michigan named Sharon and a boy in Tennessee named Justin who had parents like mine, I would still have had to go to school every day with kids who didnt have trans parents, but maybe I would have felt less alone. Its important to know that youre not the only one. Yet so many of us looked outside and around us while our families were changing, and felt like we were the only ones.

I had expected to find a sea change since the days when my parent transitioned, but I was amazed by how similar the experiences of kids with trans parents are today when compared to my story three decades ago. The truth remains that it is still the world that needs to change, not our families. As Becca L. said about the neighbors who drifted away when her dad started to transition, They just need to get over themselves.

Often what I found in talking with kids in our community was a sense of isolation, of having to go through this alone. It felt like unknown territory for many families. There were no manuals or guides, no suggestions given for the right path.

In the course of creating this handbook, I reached out to trans families all over the world in search of stories. I interviewed, surveyed, and talked to over 30 kids of trans (people with trans parents), trans parents, and therapists and experts working with trans families. COLAGE, a national organization that supports people with one or more LGBTQ+ parent, linked me to the wider community of trans families. The more I shared about the project, though, the more I found people all around me with trans parents. Friends of friends and people I met in writing workshops popped up saying, Hey! I have a trans parent, too.

I talked to one parent and child whod just reconnected after 38 years of not talking, and to a girl who knew her parent only as trans. I talked to someone with two trans parents and someone with both gay and trans parents. Some had known for many years and some had just found out. Some had never met anyone else with a trans parent and some are now leaders in advocating for kids with trans families. One of the parents came out before my parent did and one is still coming out today. Her daughter still doesnt know. Some of the kids grew up in the 80s with trans parents, and some are still growing up today. How is it that someone whose parent came out in 1987 and someone whose parent came out this year could have so much in common? I thought by now everyone was broadcasting about their families and parading around their neighborhoods in celebration. Yet backlashes have delayed progress.

Pride in trans families is a part of daily life in some small pockets of the United States and other countries. Places where people are more aware. In some places, kids grow up in communities where schools celebrate rainbow days and educate students about gender expansiveness from a young age. As more kids grow up in a world that understands that gender identity is not a matter of checking a box and that this is part of human experience, more families will start with trans at the center instead of in the margins. Jordan L. found that everyone he told in recent years had one degree of separation from someone trans: trans kids, trans parents, trans people in their communities. All across the world, people are transitioning. The more we tell our stories, the more well know were not alone.

We are at the very beginning of a bigger conversation about families. Theres no one shape for families, just like theres no one way to be trans. As Jennifer said, Theres not one universal experience that all of us have had. People transition in so many different waysso many different degrees of being out. Thats another thing that people should knowour stories are so different but equally important.

Theres still a need for open conversations about our families. My parent still does not feel safe to be open in her community. There are backlashes as we make progress. There are parts of the world that get it, and parts that dont. Communities are forming, but not everyone has caught up yet. We need more stories about our families. Lets keep trading stories until no one thinks theres one way to have a trans parent, to be transgender or just to be.

We need more stories where the fact of our parent being trans is in the background. The everyday moments: eating breakfast, watching TV. Its powerful to look out into the world and see your story. The more people hear about our ordinary lives, the more theyll get to see that this is part of their lives, too.

I didnt expect so much of my own story to find its way into these pages. As I talked to kids and parents around the world, my memories came back. I didnt want to think about times when Id rejected my parent, when I wanted nothing to do with her, or the times when I laughed along with my friends about something that made fun of crossing the gender lines. It hadnt been too long since Id played the pronoun gamewhen you avoid pronouns to try to fit in. I still play it when I dont want to launch into a big long explanation of my family. I had to look at myself, too, at the ways Id learned that my family was somehow wrong.

There are still more stories to tell. This book doesnt represent all trans families everywhere. More stories are needed from kids all over the world with parents stepping out as non-binary and gender queer. From kids with more than one trans parent. From kids with trans parents from birth. From kids who just found out when their parent was a senior citizen. From kids who identify as trans alongside their parent. Many more stories are coming. As Becca said, Everyones stories are unique and different, even though theyre all fundamentally the same. Each story I found along the way told my story in different ways.